How To Handle A Fresh-Mouthed Sassy Teenager
Michael Bradley Ed.D., a psychologist specializing in adolescent behavior and author of “When Things Get Crazy With Your Teen: The Why, the How and What to do NOW” discusses how parents can get along better with their teenagers.
Commitment: Why are the teen years so difficult and challenging for parents?
Dr. Bradley: Mother Nature definitely has a sense of humor. She lulls us to sleep thinking how easy it is to raise a child (up to about age 12)and then she lobs in a hand grenade called adolescence. That’s where the child sets off on a journey to discover who she is as a creature apart from her parents, just when the parents think that their child is a part of themselves, sharing the same values and beliefs. When you add in the destabilizing brain changes that go on inside of young teen heads, you have the recipe for some tough times.
Commitment: Is difficulty in the teenage years an American phenomenon only? Is there something about our culture that makes the teen years so hard on parents?
Dr. Bradley: There’s a great question that some have researched. It turns out that the more a culture integrates teens and values them as important members of society, the less those teens act out. I’m afraid that in America we don’t do a great job of integrating teens. Actually, I find that we’re often biased against them in ways similar to racial prejudice. We frequently dislike their looks, their music, their language and so on because, you know, they’re so---different?
Commitment: Why do teenagers constantly fight with their parents?
Dr. Bradley: Actually, most don’t constantly fight with us parents, but that change from pre-adolescence can make a few fights seem like thousands. You could also ask why your next door neighbor constantly fights with you. It would likely be because you are different people with different values and codes of conduct AND that you tried to live together in one house with one of you being in charge. The perhaps scary fact is that your teen is becoming your next door neighbor, a unique human being who may be very different from you. The less you make room for that in the relationship, the more fights there likely will be.
Commitment: What can a parent do if their child argues with them constantly?
Dr. Bradley: Absolutely. First, take it on faith that your kid hates the fighting at least as much as you, although his sneer might suggest otherwise.
Second, wave a white flag of truce or ask for a time-out for a trip to the coffee shop (bribe to get him there if you must). There tell him that you are sure you are doing things that make him crazy, and ask how you can do things better. Be prepared to listen without arguing or justifying, instead trying to get a handle on his feelings, not his words.
Next, restate what he’s said so that he knows you actually listened this time. End by telling him that you love him like crazy, and you worry a lot about him. Then ask for his suggestions about how you can get what you need to help him be OK in the world (chores, grades, sobriety, and so on) in ways that he can get what he needs as well (autonomy, respect, privacy, a few bucks).
Don’t try to get it all done in one sit down, but ask that each think about what the other said, and then get another latte in a few days to talk further. If you make no headway, time to see a helper (counselor, psychologist, therapist, social worker)
Commitment: What are five things parents of teenagers should understand if they want to better get along with their teenager?
Dr. Bradley:
1. Teens are temporarily brain-challenged (can you recall your own 13-year-old brain?) Cut them some slack and don’t take their behaviors personally.
2. Teens are also brilliant and insightful if you can learn to listen well (as in quietly, without judging or arguing).
3. Teens need to push away from parents in order to become viable, independent adults. Much like with labor pain, adolescent conflict is the mechanism for the psychological breaking away of the child into adulthood. Put another way, if your kid does everything you tell him, he’ll be living in your basement when he’s forty. You don’t want that.
4. Our parental mission must not be to control our kids, but to help them to learn to control themselves. This means that parental rage (yelling, hitting, belittling) is no longer an option. We must rather be what we want to see in our kids (patience, compassion, tolerance, and so on). Modeling is the most powerful teaching.
5. Life is a sitcom and parenting a teen can be the funniest episode of all. Don’t forget the laugh track.
Commitment: How does rebelling against a parent help a teenager find their identity? Can you explain to us how the quest for identity is part of the reason teenagers are so oppositional and confrontational with their parents?
Dr. Bradley: If your neighbor gets a tattoo, would you call that “rebelling against a neighbor?” What parents often call rebellion is actually just the process of the child becoming an independent adult by discovering who she is (identity). The oppositional/confrontational stuff usually occurs because we parents try to fight those changes in our kids. We’re better advised to allow our teens as much power as safely possible so that they have the freedom to complete that number one job of adolescence: developing their identity.
Commitment: How can a parent help their teenager find their identity in a way that doesn't make them want to rebel?
Dr. Bradley: If a teen is allowed to develop her own identity (clothes, music, religion, and so on) there exists no reason to rebel. Further, if the parent can honor and even celebrate these changes (“Wow! I’ve never heard music like that. What is that?”) the teen will love the parent’s tolerance and acceptance.
Commitment: Why do teenagers suddenly want to dress in ways their parents often find embarrassing? How should a parent handle it when their child starts wearing weird hairstyles and clothing?
Dr. Bradley: Non-sexually provocative “weird” clothes and strange hairstyles should be welcomed by the parent as signs that their child is on the road to adulthood. The more the parent fights these things, the more the teen might use them to fight back by “embarrassing” the parent.
Commitment: What should a parent do if their teenager is fresh-mouth and sassy? Is there a way for a parent to get respect from the teenager? Or should the parent just give up on this for a few years?
Dr. Bradley: Before getting in a kid’s face about disrespect, we parents should get in a mirror to check out our own behavior first. In the game of respect, the parent always gets to go first, meaning that we must model respect by accepting our kid’s differences and issues with calm patience and tolerance especially when that’s difficult to do.
Beyond that, look for reasons to explain your child’s attitude which might include depression and/or anxiety, things which masquerade as disrespect in many teens. Finally, consider offering an incentive for respectful behavior.
Commitment: Why do most teenagers refuse to do chores?
Dr. Bradley: Because to many teens chores are boring, stupid tasks that seem to only reflect the neurotic needs of the parent.
Commitment: How can a parent get their teenager to help around the house without a major fight?
Dr. Bradley: Write out all of the household chores on a list and ask your teen to pick three things that she will take on since, as a young woman, she now has an obligation to help run the home. Just looking at the list’s length can be a dramatic life lesson. Then offer an incentive she can earn by doing those things without you reminding or nagging. Be sure the incentive is an important one for her. For example, she can earn the right to going out (and some needed cash) on weekends by doing her tasks. This places the power for her life into her hands, not yours.
Commitment: What are the five worst things parents can do when dealing with their teenager? What type of parental behaviors tend to make the teenager worse?
Dr. Bradley:
1. Rage
2. Duplicity/hypocrisy
3. Drug abuse (and alcohol is not A drug, it is THE drug.)
4. Over-parenting (enmeshed or “helicopter” parenting.)
5. Under-parenting (being the “cool buddy” to your kid.)
Commitment: How can a parent cope when their child refuses to accept responsibility, such as doing homework, but wants lots of privileges?
Dr. Bradley: Tie those two things together so that she can earn her privileges with her “job” of doing school well. Many schools will issue weekly reports to parents that can serve as “paysheets” for privileges.
Commitment: What advice do you have for parents whose teenager is going to get a driver's license soon? What can be done to keep their teenager safe, and at the same time, give them some freedom?
Dr. Bradley: Read Crashproof Your Kids (Fireside, 2006). After that you’ll likely agree with both me and the insurance company statisticians who believe that most teen brains are not properly wired to drive until at least age 18. If you’re still gutsy enough to allow 16-year-old driving, for the first year allow no more than one passenger, no accessible IPODs or phones, and no unsupervised night driving.
To purchase When Things Get Crazy With Your Teen click here.
About the Author: Michael Bradley, Ed.D., is a psychologist and award-winning author specializing in adolescent behavior and is certified by the American College of Professional Psychology in the treatment of substance abuse disorders.
He has appeared frequently on "Today," "Good Morning America," CNN, and National Public Radio and has authored several books including the bestselling Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy: Loving Your Kids without Losing Your Mind. Bradley holds a doctorate in psychology from Temple University and has received ten national awards for his books, including a Ben Franklin Award and William Penn Humanitarian Award.
