Parenting a Teen - Without Having a Nervous Breakdown!

In her memoir 13 is the New 18, author Beth Harpaz explains how she deals with the attitdue, behavior - and smells - of her teenage son!

13 is the New 18... and other things my children taught me while I was having a nervous breakdown being their mother is an hysterical - and poignant - memoir about the year Beth Harpaz's son turned 13, transforming from sweet little boy to difficult teen.  From the smell of (too much) Axe, to the "chillin'" with friends to the mood swings, Harpaz's story will ring true for anyone who has parented a teen!

Following is our interview with author Beth Harpaz:

CommitmentNow:  13 is the New 18 is a memoir of how you survived your eldest son's 13th year. Although his transformation from sweet boy to difficult teen was wrought with difficulties, your book is hysterical! How did finding the humor in the situation help you get through it?

Beth Harpaz:  It was either laugh or ... drink heavily. Or have a nervous breakdown. Or turn myself into the Mommy Police. Stepping out of every situation and looking at it from the outside, I could usually find something funny about it.

CommitmentNow:  What is it about age 13 that makes otherwise normal children turn into ornery, selfish, Facebook addicted adolescents?
    
Beth:  One day you have a cuddly little boy and then somehow overnight you have a big, smelly, foul-mouthed, wildman on your hands. Honestly, I think a lot of it is physiological. It's hormones and the fact that their brains haven't developed the part that allows them to think five minutes beyond the present moment. (That brain function doesn't develop fully till they're 21, by the way).
   
And then some of it is cultural. When I was 12, I had pigtails and I played with Barbies. Twelve-year-old girls aren't like that anymore. They're all like Hannah Montana - fabulous, with beautiful hair and skin and teeth! And they want to be the center of attention. We live in a "Look at me" culture, and we didn't used to. When I was a kid, teenagers were always getting yelled at to "Stand up straight!" We slumped because we were hiding. We were ashamed of our bodies. When was the last time you heard someone tell a kid to stand up straight? You don't need to these days - they're not hiding. They're showing off. 

CommitmentNow:  Looking back on it, could you have done anything differently to make your son Taz's year any easier for you or for him?

Beth:  I'll get a lot of flack for this, but I'm just not sure punishment works. At some point, I watched an old movie called "The Great Escape" with Steve McQueen and I realized that my son was just like Steve. The Nazis kept putting him in a dungeon, and no matter how many times they did this, he'd come out whistling, bouncing a ball against the wall. Taz was like that. You could scream your head off, take away every one of his privileges and possessions, cut off all social contact ... and he'd come out whistling, bouncing a ball. We had a lot of fights about stupid stuff that year, and looking back I feel like most of my anger had no effect. Another parent once said to me, "I live by example," meaning that he just tried to model what he thought was right, rather than fighting to force his kids to do things his way. Those are words to live by.

CommitmentNow:  Now that Taz is safely in this teens, what advice do you have for moms of kids on the cusp of 13?
 
Beth:  Figure out what your values and rules are on all that scary stuff - smoking, drinking, curfews, online activity, parties, clothes, money, homework. Decide where you stand on everything before some crisis erupts, and communicate your values clearly and calmly and often. The experts say that kids do listen to their parents - even when you think they're not listening, and even when they're not acting like they're listening. And eventually they will incorporate what you say into who they are. It will take longer than the 13th year, but it will happen. Example: My kids want $100 sneakers. I don't want to spend that much. Instead of fighting, I say, "Here's what you get - $50, twice a year. If you want to spend more, OK, you come up with it." Teenagers are very resourceful - if they want more money, they will walk dogs, babysit, save up allowance, ask for gift cards for their birthday, etc. It totally takes the fight out of this issue, allows mom to stay true to her budget and her values, and empowers the teenager to solve his or her own problems.
 
CommitmentNow:  In 13 is the New 18, you seek advice from various sources, including Carmella Soprano from The Sopranos! Do you think that anyone other than moms can understand what it's like to have a child change before your very eyes?

Beth:  Oh sure, lots of other people get it. Dads get it. Teachers get it. Unfortunately, even neighbors get it - to the extent that they end up witnessing some of the characteristic behavior of the species (like teenagers screaming at their mothers in public, committing acts of petty vandalism, etc.). I don't even think you have to have a child of your own to get it. I think siblings get it, too, whether they are younger or older, because they live with it (and sometimes suffer from it, or derive glee from watching the conflicts that arise from it). I mean, if you lived with a werewolf who got hairy on full moon nights, it would be obvious to everyone, right? It's kinda like that.

CommitmentNow:  Your refrain throughout the book is “I am a terrible mother.” Is it a coincidence that an adolescent's terrible behaviors can make otherwise confident parents think that they are the ones with a problem?
 
Beth:  To me that lonely refrain is partly about the isolation we experience as mothers of teenagers. When your kids are little, you sit on the park bench with other mommies and you know that everyone is dealing with colic or potty training or tantrums. But when your kids become teenagers, you're not sitting on the bench with the other mommies any more. And nobody wants to admit that they smelled smoke on their kid's jacket, or that they saw a hickey on their kid's neck, or that their formerly A student of a child is suddenly getting Cs. Nobody blames you when your baby has colic. But if your teenager screws up, you face the moral judgment of the world. It's embarrassing, it's humiliating. You feel that you are responsible, you did something wrong and it's too late to fix it. Hence, "I am a terrible mother!"

CommitmentNow:  As a 13 year old, Taz suddenly began dousing himself with Axe, wearing $100 sneakers, “chillin'” with his friends, avoiding doing his homework and hiding contraband substances under his bed. What is he up to now?

Beth:  I am here to report that I have a truly sweet and wonderful young man living in my house. He is 16 years old and a junior in high school, and he is a joy to have around. He is considerate, he works hard, he is excited about getting ready for college. He has a very tender and kind side to him that I never imagined was somewhere inside that lunkhead of a stinker back when he was driving me nuts. He stands up for what he thinks is right, he makes a mean chicken quesadilla, he is a good big brother, and he walks the dog for me! YAY! Thirteen sucks, but they just get better and better after that. 

CommitmentNow:  You have a younger son, Sport. How old is he now and do you think his adolescent experiences will mirror those of his big brother?

Beth:  Funny you should ask. Sport is 11. One minute he is still that cute and cuddly little boy. The next minute, I see the future and it's a rerun of my past. He begs me for Axe, he wants those big sneakers, and um, just last week, he called me from school to inform me that he had "committed a federal crime and was about to go to juvie" (meaning juvenile delinquent court). Turns out he had dared a friend to put a soda bottle in the mailbox and the principal found out. (Bottle was closed, thank god!) The federal offenders were saved from "juvie" and sentenced to cleaning up the schoolyard instead. Part of me wanted to cry; but if I say that part of me also wanted to laugh, do you think they will send me to juvie?
 
CommitmentNow:  Toward the end of your book, you find yourself enamored with (addicted to?) Facebook. How is that going?

Beth:  I have seen the dark side of 487 friends. I am on a leave of absence from Facebook. It kind of took over my life, and I had to go cold turkey.
 
CommitmentNow:  Now that you have survived your eldest son's dive into adolescence, what have you learned from this crazy, trying year?

Beth:  Remember potty training? There are relapses, but eventually they all get potty-trained. It's kinda like that. Eventually even the most obnoxious adolescent matures. You will get through this, moms of teens! And I must say, I will miss Taz when he goes off to college. (Then again, Taz's little brother turns 13 the September of Taz's freshman year. It'll be deja vu all over again...) 

Beth J. Harpaz is the author of 13 is the New 18.... and other things my children taught me while I was having a nervous breakdown being their mother.  She has also written two other books:  The Girls in the Van, about Hillary Clinton's first Senate campaign and Finding Annie Farrell, a memoir about her family in Maine during the Great Depression.

Beth is the travel editor for the Associated Press, where she has worked for 20 years.  She lives in Brooklyn with her husband Elon, a Legal Aid attorney, their two sons, a dog and two cats.

Visit Beth at www.13isthenew18.com.