Does Your Child Hate Middle School? Or Are You Just Burnt Out On Their Bad Attitude and Social Problems?
Harriet S. Mosatche, Ph.D. and Karen Unger, M.A., authors of "Too Old For This! Too Young For That!: Your Survival Guide for The Middle School Years" have advice on how to help your pre-teen get through the middle school years successfully.
Why do some kids glide through the middle school years without problems, while others struggle continuously? Harriet S. Mosatche, Ph.D. and Karen Unger, M.A., authors of "Too Old For This! Too Young For That!: Your Survival Guide for the Middle School Years" have great advice on how to help your child with their friendship problems, low self-esteem and school challenges that plague preteens in middle school.
Commitmentnow.com: Why are the middle school years so tough on kids? What makes these years so extremely challenging?
Harriet S. Mosatche, Ph.D. and Karen Unger, M.A.: The middle school years are characterized by lots of physical, emotional, social, and cognitive changes. Making life even more difficult, adolescents develop in different areas at different rates.
A boy might be intellectually advanced, but socially immature. A girl might be fully developed, but not emotionally prepared to deal with the attention she gets from others. An important focus of our book Too Old For This, Too Young For That! is helping kids recognize and appreciate their unique combination of skills and characteristics.
Commitmentnow.com: What do you think a young person needs to successfully make it through this developmental stage?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: To thrive during the middle school years, young people need to be supported by adults and peers who care about them and have their best interests at heart.
Middle-schoolers also need opportunities to be successful, whether those experiences are at school, in a social group, or related to exploring a special talent or hobby. Encourage your child to set realistic goals and take steps to reach them.
Commitmentnow.com: What are some things parents can do to help their child get through this stage with the least amount of heartbreak and despair as possible?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: Parents need to really listen to their children and support them even when they hear or learn about things that are disappointing or surprising. Support doesn’t mean approving anything kids do, but rather should take the form of helping them recognize the consequences of their actions and guiding them to make positive decisions in the future.
Much as they might want to, parents can not shield their children from serious problems.
Instead, parents might focus on helping their children become more capable of handling personal, academic, and social difficulties so they can deal with those issues in the future.
Commitmentnow.com: What are your five best suggestions for parents whose child is going through a lot of social problems in middle school?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: Some kids are naturally adept in all kinds of social situations. Others need help, whether it’s because they’re shy, not particular sensitive to what their peers are thinking or feeling, or aggressive when they don’t get their way.
Once parents have determined what kind of social issue their child is dealing with, they can provide the following forms of support:
• Brainstorm with your child instead of coming up with the solution yourself.
• Encourage your child to practice ways of behaving in specific situations, such as making introductions or apologizing.
• Be a role model—observe what you’re doing and saying in social situations since your child is watching and learning from you.
• “Catch” your child behaving appropriately in social settings and give positive feedback, which will encourage your child to act in similar ways in the future.
• Listen as your child vents about social issues, but don’t become overly dramatic about a situation. While some attention and empathy are fine, too much gives the message that the problem is dire and may be close to impossible to resolve.
Commitmentnow.com: Middle school is often a time of heavy self-hatred and low self-esteem for some students. What can parents do to help their child avoid this self-hating identity and low self-esteem that springs up during this time?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: Self-esteem often slides during the middle-school years as kids get used to their changing body, deal with school pressures, and work hard to fit in—not always successfully. But most adolescents do not suffer from extreme self-hatred or very poor self-esteem.
However, if your child seems to be having an extreme reaction to the challenges of the middle-school years, you may want to consider seeking professional help for him/her, starting with the school’s guidance counselor, social worker, or psychologist.
If your child is simply dealing with the more typical issues of adolescence, make sure you provide lots of opportunities for developing competence and reducing stress. Our book is filled with ideas on those topics.
Commitmentnow.com: What are some of the friendship problems middle school students often face?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: Elementary schools most often draw students from the surrounding neighborhood, so friendships are easy for kids to form. In middle school, friendships take a more prominent place in kids’ lives, and friendships shift and rearrange. They may be in classes with kids they don’t know. Their best buddies may join different activities and sports. And, the pressure to be popular, at almost any cost, including ditching old friends for the popular group, is enormous.
Commitmentnow.com: What advice do you have for a parent whose child has had their best friend turn against them? How does a parent help their child cope with this kind of loss and rejection?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: A parent can make sure to be available to listen and then be sure to be supportive. Even if your child is partially at fault for the break-up, now would not be the time to point that out. You can ask your child to come up with a plan for school and activities that would help. Who else can he sit with at lunch? Who else would be available to hang out with over the weekend?
You could read our chapter on friendship together and talk about it. Now may also be a good opportunity to mention the topic of bullying. You could ask if anyone at school ever gets bullied and talk about that –there’s lots about that in our book – just in case the former friend is targeting your child.
Commitmentnow.com: What are some helpful ways children can learn to deal better with their emotions? What can parents do if their child has a lot of negative emotions and they seem unable to handle them?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: Middle school is often stressful and many kids have a hard time handling stress. Also, with schoolwork becoming harder, your child’s grades may drop or friendships may change, and your child may feel unpopular. Again, making sure your child knows that you are available to listen is very important.
Encouraging exercise, healthy eating and enough sleep are also important as all help your child handle stress better.
If your child, however, seems to be increasingly depressed, anxious, or angry, you should check in with the school guidance counselor or one of your child’s favorite teachers to see if either has noticed any change and seek professional help.
Commitmentnow.com: This is the time when suddenly children are sassing and being fresh to parents. What can parents do to maintain an amicable and loving relationship with their sometimes rebellious and sullen middle-schooler?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: Rolling eyes and heavy sighs test the patience of the most loving parent. Overnight, your happy, loving child has gotten a perpetual bad attitude. The family has to talk about what is acceptable and what isn’t.
Some stuff you just need to let go as your child is asserting her independence but some stuff has consequences. Decide on your line in the sand and make sure everyone in the family is aware of what the consequences are when that line is crossed.
Car rides and bed times are good times to reconnect and talk. Watching a favorite TV show together can also make your child remember that being around her parents is not all that bad.
Commitmentnow.com: What are some of your best tips for middle schoolers who feel lonely and want to find a best friend, or maybe just some more friends?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: The school day goes by in a rush so becoming involved in after school activities, sports, community groups, and youth groups can provide more opportunities to make friendships based on common interests.
If your house is a welcoming (but also a safe and monitored) place to hang out, your child will have an easier time when kids want to be at her house. Falling into the popularity trap is too easy. Your child changes based on her perception of what she needs to do to be “popular” and then feels uncomfortable and stressed by being something she’s not. Instead, she can look out for the kids who seem most like her and invite them over.
Hanging out with one or two good friends who look out for each other is better for kids than trying to be popular with a large group of kids who won’t be there when needed.
Commitmentnow.com: What can a parent do if their child hates middle school? What are some ways to help them enjoy more success and happiness in school?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: Some kids love school one day and hate school the next. They may have gotten a bad grade, were reprimanded by a coach, had an argument with a friend. A few days go by and your child is happy at school once again. Ups and downs are normal.
However, if your child really hates school, you need to find out why. Is he being bullied? Has he been placed in classes that are too hard? Or too easy? Does he have a mismatch with a teacher or a coach?
If your child isn’t communicative, you need to visit the school and make a plan for success with the school administration, teachers and guidance counselor and know you will most probably need to be persistent.
Also, speak with your child about what he thinks are his greatest strengths, talents and interests and help him set realistic goals on how he can use those to make his school time more successful. We have a section on goal setting in the book that would be helpful.
Commitmentnow.com: You include a chapter titled "Take Charge of Your Life." What are some ways middle school students can better take charge of their lives?
Dr. Mosatche and Ms. Unger: Kids this age do love to be given greater responsibility—even if at times they seem not able to handle some of the simplest things like making a bed or remembering their homework!
Give your child more responsibility and if she handles it well, more freedom and more choices.
Knowing that she has earned your trust enables her to trust herself which is incredibly important for those times when you are not around but she needs to make decisions, sometimes very hard ones.
Look for moments when you can talk with her about making good choices—for example a TV news item about under-age drinking can prompt a conversation. A favorite actress who behaves badly can prompt another one.
Encourage your child to take positive risks—joining a new sport league or trying out for the school play—which give her a sense of accomplishment and a boost to her self-esteem.
To Purchase "Too Old For This! Too Young For That!: Your Survival Guide for the Middle School Years" click here.
About the Authors: Harriet S. Mosatche, PhD, is an author, consultant (MosatcheGroup.com) and advice columnist (AskDrM.org).
Karen Unger, M.A. is a writer and editor of books for young people.
