Diane Peters Mayer, M.S.W.: School anxiety is a complex condition with many facets. For example, some children become anxious when they have to separate from their parents and leave the safety of their home. Other children develop test anxiety or have an anxiety disorder such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder and find that trying to cope in school is very difficult for them.

The homework load has increased and can create tension and anxiety for children. Some children have learning challenges and are falling behind in class work. School problems such as peer pressure, bullying, or not getting along with a teacher are common reasons for school anxiety too.

 

Many children who develop school anxiety are more sensitive and anxious to begin with or are trying to cope with difficult life experiences. These include:
 

1.                    Heredity—our emotional structure, degree of sensitivity to internal and external events are linked to genetics, and anxiety and related disorders seem to run in families.

2.                    Anxious children appear to share many personality traits and characteristics that include: high degree of sensitivity, creativity and imagination; difficulty in expressing feelings, fear of losing control of emotions; excessive need for acceptance and approval; rigid thinking, and are inflexible and perfectionists.

3.                    Learning, Physical, and Emotional Disabilities such as dyslexia, ADHD, Asperger’s and cerebral palsy make fitting in difficult.

4.                    Conflict at home leaves children feeling vulnerable, unstable, and anxious.

5.                    Significant life events such as divorce, death of a parent, parent leaving for military duty, and child abuse leave these children at a high risk for school anxiety.

 

 

Diane: The first thing a parent can do to help their school anxious child is to learn how to calm down using breathing and other relaxation techniques. Though I know this is hard to do while your child is crying, begging you to let him stay home day after day, or freaking out with panic, when you remain calm, cool, and collected  you take control of the situation which will help your child feel safe and in most cases calm him down.
 

Here are other tips:

 

 

If your child is not adjusting you can create a Systematic Desensitization Program, or ask the school for accommodations, such as having your child be able to leave the classroom quietly and go to a safe place in school if he gets panicky in class, or to take tests in the guidance office. Get professional help if school anxiety persists.

 

 

Diane: Set up a meeting with your child’s teacher, guidance counselor and other relevant school personnel if your child does not adjust to school within two to three weeks. Think of the meeting as setting up a team to help your child. Prepare for the meeting by writing down the details of your child’s behavior at home and when it began. Include the techniques you have used to get your child to go to school.
 

Educate yourself about anxiety in children and treatment options. Let the school know if there are household stressors that your child may be reacting to, for example, a new baby in the house.

 

Be open to suggestions and find out what accommodations the school makes for children with anxiety issues, such as test taking in the guidance office, allowing your child to leave the classroom quietly until she can calm down, being walked to class in the morning by you or a staff member from the school, partnering with the school to set up a desensitization plan for your child. Advocate for your child’s needs. Become an active school parent, for example, sit in on your child’s classes occasionally, volunteer in the library, become a member of the PTA.

 

 

Diane: The first thing a parent has to do is take a long hard look at themselves and the levels of tension and anxiety in the household. I’m are not talking about a self blame game, but it is important to assess the reality of home life so that positive changes can be made. Here are some questions that can help:

 

If you answered yes to even a few of the questions, it will be important for your child’s mental health and yours to make some changes in family dynamics. First, learn how to handle stress in healthy ways then teach these techniques to the whole family to de-stress the household in general. A child who knows how to calm himself in anxious situations becomes confident that he can take control of anxiety instead of letting it control him.
 

      Make school mornings pleasant by doing the following the night before: lay out clothes, pack book bags and lunches, sign necessary forms. Have your child do homework early and get to bed on time so he’s rested in the morning. Spend special time with your child before he goes to bed.
 

      In the morning wake your child early so he can eat breakfast and get ready for school without rushing. Keep the morning as cheery as possible by allowing playtime before he has to catch the bus. Do not feed into your child’s tension about going to school, be loving but assertive—he has to go, but assure him that you will be here when he returns. When family problems need to be discussed, please do so after school.

 

 

Diane: The fear of leaving the safety of home to go to school is a common cause of school anxiety. Look at it from the child’s point: home is safe, parents, a comfort zone. But in school a child is faced with having to handle new situations alone.

Kids worry about things like: What if the kids in class don’t like me? What if my teacher is mean? What if the work is too hard? Children have to learn new rules, and handle the expectations of teachers. They are also being evaluated, graded and judged in comparison to peers—which can be intimidating. It’s no wonder that children are anxious about going to school.

 

Most children adjust to school after a few weeks, but some don’t and may develop Separation Anxiety Disorder. The symptoms of separation anxiety are powerful and disturbing, leaving children feeling sick and frightened. They include: dizziness, shaking and trembling, rapid heartbeat, sweating, numbness in limbs, headaches, stomachaches, vomiting, diarrhea, and panic attacks.
 

Emotional symptoms pack a wallop too and include: chronic worrying that a disaster or death of a parent will occur when the child is at school, the inability to concentrate, feeling helpless and hopeless, feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Being home is generally the only place where these children can calm down and feel safe for a little while.

 

Children with Separation Anxiety Disorder are affected physically and emotionally and will have a difficult time developing socially and intellectually. Getting professional help for your child by an expert in childhood anxiety disorders is crucial.

 

 

Diane: 

1.     Honor your child’s feelings. Say things like, “I know you are worried that something will happen to me when you are at school.” Comfort her too, “Nothing will happen to me while you are away.”

 

 

Diane:  It’s hard to remember that a school anxious child is suffering and not being defiant when day after day, week after week, he carries on about going to school.  When this occurs, parents often feel overwhelmed and embarrassed that they’ve lost control of their child’s behavior, leaving them feeling helpless and angry.

Parents who feel this way may resort to negative parenting and the communication they use could include: nagging, yelling, name calling, shaming and punishing.
 

When these types of parent/child interactions are frequent, a child’s anxiety will only get worse. Remaining calm and using positive parenting skills and techniques, though tough at times, will help your child calm down and get on that school bus.

 

Another pitfalls for parents is the pain of watching their child suffer, and feeling worn out by the child’s demands, so they give in and allow their child to stay home. As soon as the child is allowed to stay home, symptoms decrease and she feels better. Giving in to your child’s pleas will lead to avoidance, making it harder to go to school the next day, and setting your child up to use avoidance as a life coping skill. Though an anxious child is really suffering, it is important for them to get to school every day.

 

 

Diane:  If your child is showing signs of anxiety around homework, the first thing to do is find out what the problem is. Children with anxiety disorders have difficulty concentrating and often feel overwhelmed about doing homework. Some children have learning disorders or attention problems and become anxious when they have to sit down and do homework.

Others are perfectionists and spend too much time double and triple checking their work. Family conflict or life changes, such as attending a new school may make kids stressed, anxious, and unable to start or complete homework. Many schools give too much homework for the child’s grade, overwhelming children.
 

School issues such as bullying, not fitting in, or having a troubling relationship with a teacher are other causes of homework anxiety.

 

After you have talked to your child and determined what his fears are, these other guidelines may help:

 

 

Commitment: What are some of the misconceptions about school anxiety that can hinder a child receiving the treatment and intervention they need?           

 

Diane:  One of the most common misconceptions about school anxiety is mistaking it for defiance, or a child being manipulative. School anxiety is real suffering with physical and emotional symptoms that are so distressing that some children will do almost anything to stay home. Most anxious children go to school without a daily fuss, but suffer in silence, get low grades, and are often unable to interact normally with classmates.
 

These kids wind up feeling badly about themselves. School anxious children need care and patience and have to be given tools they can use to take control of their anxiety in stressful situation. In my 18 years of working with school anxious children I’ve never met one child who didn’t wish he or she could go to school like other students.

 

Another misconception is that a school anxious child who refuses to go to school is a truant. That is incorrect. School anxiety is an emotional condition, and these children generally suffer from guilt and worry about the fuss they make at home, their difficulty in doing well in class and on tests, low grades, and if it’s an issue, their trouble socializing.

 

 

Diane: 

       1. Contact the school to work together as a team to help your child become comfortable in the classroom.

 

Being a parent of a school anxious child can be worrisome, frustrating and draining. And though school anxiety will be tough for your child to overcome, with your patience, changes in your household, utilizing proven exercises and techniques for reducing anxiety and daily practice and time, it can be done. And, finally, it is your deep belief in your child’s ability to overcome anxiety that will help him heal so he can become a successful and happy student.

 

About the Author: Diane Peters Mayer, M.S.W., licensed social worker, has a BA in psychology and graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with a master’s degree in clinical social work. She has been in private practice as a psychotherapist in Doylestown, PA for 18 years. Ms. Mayer specializes in school anxiety, Panic Disorders, phobias, performance anxiety, and other anxiety disorders, such as Social Anxiety Disorder. She runs an “Overcoming School Anxiety Program” for children from grades 2 to 12. Ms. Mayer is the author of Conquering Ring Nerves, Wiley/Howell, 2004, the Everything Health Guide to Controlling Anxiety, Adams Media, 2005, and Overcoming School Anxiety, AMACOM, 2008. Ms. Mayer also has a niche practice, “Conquering Ring Nerves” that features a program for competitive dog handlers who have performance anxiety.  Ms. Mayer has presented ring nerve seminars in dog clubs across the U.S. since 2000.

 

Visit Diane Mayer at www.dianepetersmayer.com. 

To purchase Diane's latest book, Overcoming School Anxiety:  How to Help Your Child Deal with Seperation, Tests, Homework, Bullies, Math Phobia, and Other Worries, click here.