It All Started With A Letter Written To His Deceased Father: Bill Zimmerman's New Book, "100 Things Guys Need To Know" Has All The Advice He Wished His Dad Could Have Given Him

Bill Zimmerman's father died when he was a teenager, but despite a challenging childhood that included his parent's divorce and reading problems, he went on to be an editor at Newsday and author of 18 books. Now he offers advice for boys on growing up.

		What Advice Do You Have For Boys?
		What advice do you have for boys entering middle school? What are ten things you believe every boy should know as he enters adolescence? Name:  Email:

Bill Zimmerman, author of 100 Things Guys Need To Know,
discusses the challenges young men face and the ten things he personally believes every boy should know. He also has great advice for boys facing some of the issues he faced as a child, which included his parent's divorce, living with a stepfather, his father's early death, and learning problems at school.

Commitmentnow.com: What motivated you to write this book? Did you include advice you wish someone had given you when you were young?

Bill Zimmerman:  I lost my father when I was very young, and a few years ago,  one Sunday before Father’s Day when I missed him very much, I wrote a letter from ‘’him’’ to me in which I had him say many of the things I had wished to hear when growing up – things such as that he loved me and that he was proud of me and what I had accomplished with my life.

Writing the letter gave me some relief from the pain I felt and over the next year I continued to write letters in the voice of a father to son stating many of the things that I felt boys needed to hear and which I had learned on my own.

These originally were letters of love and nurturing and they evolved in 100 Things That Guys Need to Know.  I don’t think boys hear enough encouraging words as they grow up.

Commitmentnow.com: What are some of the challenges young men face? What common questions do you think most boys want to ask someone, but might be too embarrassed to state out loud?

Bill: I think many boys, including the boy whom I once was, worry about not being macho or manly enough, that somehow they might not have the right stuff  to handle all of life’s responsibilities.

Boys, like girls, worry, too, about losing one’s parents, about peer pressure, about now being attractive enough, whether a parent will lose his or her job. They worry about the pressures of school. 

So, the questions on their mind might be:

--What is it to be a man in today’s world?  
--How can I stand on my own two feet and not be so dependent on others? 
--How do I find my way in a culture which just seems to honor celebrity rather than the kindness innate in all human beings?
--How do I live in a world filled with terrorism and hate?
 --How can I lead a good life in a world that is in difficult shape?

Commitmentnow.com: In this book, you write about the challenges you faced as an adolescent. First, your parents divorced and then your father died when you were quite young. How were you able to emotionally survive such challenges and go on to be a very successful adult? What did you learn from those difficult experiences that you want to pass on to other young men also facing challenges?

Bill: I saw my father getting physically sicker and weaker before he divorced my mom,  and even worse after the divorce, and I saw that he would not be able to take good care of my brother and me. Instinctively, I guess, I knew I would have to live with my mother and stepfather and try to make the best of a situation which deeply wounded me – the loss of the family structure I once knew, the loss of my father to illness.

I knew it would be no good to constantly fight with my stepfather and mother or to show my resentment about the divorce and I would have to muster my courage to live as decent a life as possible.

We would just have to pull together as best as we could.  I  knew back, then, even as a teenager that some day in the future I would marry and have my own child and re-create a family structure that was healthier and happier than the one I had had, one in which I could share all the nurturing within me with my child and wife.   I wanted to build the perfect family.

I learned that you have to try to leave bitterness at the door and try your best to live decently and in harmony with others.

I learned that you must show patience with others because, deep down, we’re all the same, with all our fears, our hurts, our hopes, our dreams and we need to find a way to help one another in the rough, wonderful journey of life.

I learned to persist and endure and fight hard for the things I believed in.   I found joy in working hard and accomplishing things at school and at work which helped overcome some of the pain I felt in my teen years.

Commitmentnow.com: What are some of the negative messages about being a guy that can confuse and weaken a young man's sense of self-esteem and power?

Bill: Too much emphasis is placed on body images of muscular young men, and not enough about what makes for a mature, well-meaning young man.

We do not have to be what we wear or eat, but we do need to encourage boys to think for themselves, to accept and love themselves, and to take pride in whatever God-given talents and abilities they have.

Each of us is special in our own way.  Most images we have of young people show them constantly having a fun time in life, purchasing things or using things.  We need images showing young males helping others and helping make the world a little bit better by their unselfish actions.

Commitmentnow.com: What are some ways a boy can be successful and reach his goals despite challenges and setbacks he may face? And despite difficulties in your own youth, what enabled you to become a very successful man who was not destroyed by the pain in his youth?

Bill: The most important thing to help a boy be successful is to encourage him to believe in himself and to understand that persistence in solving problems and making progress step-by-step are the ways to go.

Nothing important and good in life happens with the snap of a finger – having hopes and wishes for the future is very important, but with that goes much hard. sweaty work day after day.  But all this work can be fulfilling in the end.

In my own life I chose stubbornness as my motto. I vowed to never give up on my goals despite what people might tell me.  I told myself that by hard work and seriousness I could accomplish much of what I wanted from life – maybe not all, but much of what I wanted—and that I must take responsibility for my own actions.

  I think my failure may have been in not asking people to help me along the way – I seemed to fell I had to do everything on my own. (But that was the reality at the time –  I didn’t know who to call upon for help.)  My failing was in lacking trust in others, and I still have that problem today.

Commitmentnow.com: What are ten things you personally think every young man should know?

Bill:

Always believe in yourself.

Be prepared to work hard for what you believe in.

Be kind to others – the world can be so cruel at times and people are in need of love and kindness.

Try to take good care of your body, to feed it well and to use it well, never to abuse it with drugs or other bad things.

Find something to love  and believe in with all your heart; find your passion.  In that way you will always have something to hang onto,  no matter how many hurts life may hand you.

Respect others – we are all in this harsh world together – and we must treat others the way we want to be treated.

Trust your feelings and don’t be afraid to express what is deepest in your heart so that people can understand who you are.

Believe in a holy spirit that is greater than yourself, whether this spirit is God or is a sense of the connectedness of all life. Life is holy. Always keep hope alive in your heart.

Work hard to make your dreams come true.

Develop your own key operating principles – that is come up with your own ideas about how a guy should think and act or the qualities you believe  it’s important to have – and stick with them.

Boys have more power than they think they do – their power is in what they decide to do for others and for themselves.

Always be yourself – don’t take on a different personality to please others.  This means that you must first know yourself.

It’s okay to make mistakes – that’s why pencils have erasers -- just do your best to learn from your mistakes or the times you stumble. You’re one of a kind. 

Everyone has something special in them – maybe it’s the sense of humor, maybe it’s being a good athlete, maybe it’s having a drawing skills.  Find out what’s special in you and hone those skills as best as you can.

Commitmentnow.com: Many teenage boys feel powerless in their lives. How can a young man access his power--and what type of power is available to a boy that he may not always be aware of?

Bill: You have the power to make the world better for others and for yourself.  Maybe this means helping your mother after she comes home from a hard day of work.  Maybe it’s helping your younger brother or sister who’s having trouble with homework.  Maybe it’s volunteering at some community group to help make other people’s lives better.  Maybe your power is doing something good for yourself, like talking with your father about something that is important to you or listening to a friend who has a problem and trying to help him if you can.

Commitmentnow.com: What advice do you have for parents who have sons who are sensitive and do not fit the stereotype of a 'macho' and 'unfeeling' kind of guy? How can parents help their son cope in a world that doesn't always reward boys for being sensitive and caring?

Bill: A parents needs to convey his or her own feelings to a son about what kind of person they hope will be become.

Most parents I know want their sons to be sensitive to others, to respect others, to be willing to open up and express feelings, to be responsible human beings.  So it is important that a parent reinforce such positive behavior when they see their sons demonstrating qualities of caringness, of nurturing, of kindness and tell their son how proud they are of him.

A boy or girl growing up always needs to hear some good words.

Commitmentnow.com: What is the 'boy code' and how can this code throw a boy into behavior that doesn't feel authentic or right to him?

Bill: Some people have talked about a boy code that says young guys should be macho all the time, or aggressive or violent, that it’s wrong to ask for help or show weakness, that boys shouldn’t do anything considered girlish, that guys need to keep feelings inside and they they need to dominate every situation.

Following such a code can force boys into behavior that they’re really not comfortable with and which turns them into people they don’t want to be.

The only boy code that a youngster needs is his own belief system that he can stay true to.  I would hope the code boils down to doing the things that make for a good, kind, caring human being.

Commitmentnow.com: What are your best five tips for boys coping with many changes in their body at this time?

Bill: In growing up, a boy as he hits adolescence will suddenly see changes in his body as he enters puberty.  It is important for a parent to convey to a child that all this is natural, that we each experience  physical and emotional changes as we mature into young adults.

A boy needs to recognize that some people his age mature faster than others, but that eventually we all catch up with each other.

It would be good if a boy could discuss some of these changes with a parent or trusted older family member.  It is important, too, that boys take good care of their bodies as they undergo puberty changes, keep it clean and healthy and well fed.

A boy needs to take pride in himself, and a parent’s love and support will nurture this feeling.

Commitmentnow.com: What advice do you have for boys and their parents coping with divorce?  What do you wish you knew back then that would have helped you get through this time in your life?

Bill: Most times it is very difficult for a boy or girl to cope with divorce because this means that the family situation will change, and that one of the parents will not be around as much as in the past. This can be a very, very painful experience to undergo. 

The only consolation is that if the parents’ marriage is so unhappy, it will only cause  additional unhappiness in the children and that sometimes parents just need to separate in order for the family members to have a better life.

In my own case,  I saw my parents continually fighting and hurting and betraying one another.  And, in time, I did see that my stepfather seemed to love my mother and took good care of her, and he also provided a safe home for my brother and me.  So I could not continue to be angry at him.

 I somehow began to understand that change is a constant in life and that I must make my own adjustments to it as others did in their lives. Nothing, as much as I want it to, ever stays the same in life.

In terms of what I wish I knew back then that would have helped me get through the tough period after a parents’ divorce, it would have been to better express to my parents that I still loved both of them deeply and that I hoped we could all get along well into the future, even if we were no longer living together.  There was no need to be angry or sullen all the time, as I sometimes felt I had to be out of loyalty to my father.

I wish now there had been a trusting adult whom I could have turned to to talk about what in my heart about the divorce and my fears back then.  I felt overwhelmed first by the divorce and then by my father’s subsequent death, and I did not know where to go for relief.

So, I say to a boy today, Look around you; see if there is someone good to whom you can turn for advice and friendship.

Commitmentnow.com: What are your best five tips for a young man who is entering middle school for the first time?

Bill: Like anything in life, the more you prepare, the easier things are.  In making the change from elementary to middle school, it would be helpful to learn all you can about your new school.  Most schools allow visits the term before or give tours or orientations on what to expect, in this new environment so try to set up a tour with your parents or your teacher.

If the school has a web site, study it to see what kinds of activities the school encourages – certainly, there must be something you’d like to join, such as being a staff member of the school newspaper or joining a sports club or team, or acting or choral group.

Remember, most of the people who will be arriving with you in the first year of the new school will also have the same hesitations, fears and concerns that you have; everyone is wondering who their new best friend or classmate will be, so people are receptive to saying hello to you and making new friends.

The school may also have a program where an upper class  member will mentor a new school member, such as yourself.  See if your school has this, too.

Commitmentnow.com: You wrote that you had a hard time learning to read, but yet went on to become a journalist, editor at Newsday and published author. How did you overcome this challenge, and what advice do you have for boys who are struggling with a subject in school?

Bill: I was able to overcome my reading problem with help from a wonderful teacher who would stay after school with me day after day for months.  She helped me build up my confidence by showing me that I could learn, even if at a slower pace then others.  I just needed to be kinder and more patient with myself – no one can know everything right away – and she showed me, step by step, as I started sounding out letters to make words, that learning will come to the person who applies himself.

With her help I became a proficient reader, someone who was forever lost in books, and the more I read, the better a student and human being I became.

In working with someone who showed extraordinary patience – and even love to me – I learned, too, the value of being patient with others who were struggling with learning problems, and, in time, I began to tutor those students who were having difficulty in school.

The key is to persist and not be embarrassed by having to ask questions of a teacher to help you understand a concept or the work being studied.

Asking questions is a student’s right.When I was in college I discovered the school newspaper and other young people like me who were interested in exploring the world through journalism.  The newspaper and its staff thus became a new kind of family for me in which I could thrive and create.

Commitmentnow.com: What are your best ten tips for a young man who wishes he was popular and had a great social life?

Bill: I think a key thing to do in wanting to find more friends and be more popular is to  find activities that you can enjoy with others, whether it’s getting active in school politics, or sports clubs, or the school newspaper, or other club where you come in contact with people who may have similar interests to yours.

 By surrounding yourself with people who are committed to goals and ideals similar to yours, you are building a circle of acquaintances with whom you have ideas in common.

Working together with such people will build friendships and create a social environment for you to function in.

Also, try to be interested in other people, to find out what their interests are, what things they enjoy, what things the worry about. 

By showing such interest in others, you build up feelings of friendship and comradery with others which will help you overcome the lonely times when you feel isolated. 

But, often, you have to take the first steps in wanting to be another person’s friend.  For some people, this may be easy to achieve, but for others it may be quite difficult. But never be afraid to put out a welcoming hand to others – you can make a real difference in someone else’s life and also a lifelong friend.

To Purchase 100 Things Guys Need To Know click here.

About the Author: Bill Zimmerman, the author of 100 Things Guys Need to Know, has written 18 books  that empower young people and help draw families closer together.   He has just completed the sequel to 100 Things called Your Life in Comics: 100 Things for Guys to Write and Draw, and another book, called Pocket Doodles for Young Artists.  He is creator, too, of MakeBeliefsComix.com, where visitors can create their own comic strips online and which was just selected for Great Web Sites for Kids by the American Library Association.