Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Your Teenager
Dr. Peter Benson, author of “Sparks: How Parents Can Help Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Teenagers” explains how to find and tap into the internal strengths of your teenager.
Commitment: Why did you name your book Sparks and what does this term mean in relation to raising teenagers?
Dr. Peter Benson: Sparks is the term I use to refer to the internal strengths that are inside each of us. A spark is that light that animates our life, giving it purpose and direction.
Each of us brings something that is good and beautiful to the world. It can be making music, creating things with our hands, running like the wind, preserving nature, having empathy with children, or loving science.
The spark gives our lives joy and energy. The major task of raising teenagers is to help them find their spark and to support them in exploring it.
Commitment: Why is it important for a teenager to have a SPARK?
Dr. Benson: A spark gives an anchor to a person’s life. It grounds a teenager and helps him or her discover why they matter. Without a spark, it is far too easy for young people to travel through adolescence in boredom or in taking dangerous risks.
A spark also connects youth to spark champions — adults who can mentor, guide, and support a young person in their exploration of the spark. That kind of connection to adults is magic.And here’s the most important thing.
Spark is the key element in leading a thriving life — a life with passion and purpose, a life that contributes to the world. Thriving requires a clear spark and several spark champions who see and nurture it.
Commitment: What can parents do to encourage and discover the SPARK that lies within their own teenager?
Dr. Benson: First, it is important to know, based on national research with 3500 teenagers, that 100% of America’s teens get the concept of spark in a heartbeat. They know what it looks like and feels like. About two-thirds of all 12-18 year olds can name their spark.
The best way to name the spark is to have a conversation with a child in a quiet, comfortable, non-stressful place. The Sparks book gives you these conversation starters about the definition of a spark and how to gently probe for it. With the aid of these questions, nearly all teens will name their spark. And some will name 2 or 3. Incidentally, there are also questions in the book that help adults name their spark.
One of my favorite sections of the book helps adults delve into their spark biography.The only thing that prevents a teen from finding their spark is having no adults in their life who believe that she or he has one.
Commitment: What are some of the SPARKS teenagers can become involved in? Can you share with us some examples of teenagers who found their SPARK, and how this changed their life?
Dr. Benson: There are 32 categories of sparks described in the book. They range from music to being engaged in solving social problems like homelessness and poverty.
Here are the top 10 sparks, by frequency, among U.S. teenagers:
1. creative arts (e.g., art, music, writing, drama, dance)
2. athletics
3. learning (e.g., languages, science, history)
4. reading
5. helping, serving
6. spirituality, religion
7. nature, ecology, environment
8. living a quality life (e.g., joy, tolerance, caring)
9. animal welfare
10. lending
Here’s an important discovery: 54% of all U.S. teens name the creative arts as their spark, more than twice the percent for athletics. Given this, our communities need to look at their priorities.
Here’s a story about a teenager whose name is Adanna. It’s a story of how a Spark can change one’s life:
"When I was younger, I wasn’t sure what was good and special about me.Then one day, a music teacher pointed out that there was something I really loved: singing. I sang in the choir at church and in the chorus at school, and even when I was just walking down the hallway. When I was thirteen I realized I had another spark: writing songs. I listened to all kinds of music, all kinds of songwriters, and that taught me how to write songs.
For me, writing songs and playing my guitar was a way to really express myself and who I am and what I can imagine. When I was a junior in high school, a tiny cafe called the Nook caught my eye. It held open microphone nights once a month. It was right near my school, so I’d pass it on the bus. Since this cafe was in my own neighborhood, I was curious. So I went in to the Nook one day after school. I was sort of nervous, but something inside of me became brave, and I asked about the open mic. A guy told me to call during the day to reserve a place on the list.When the day came, I called. There was a place for me.
When I got to the Nook, I sat down. I didn’t know anybody, and I began to wonder what I was doing here. The room was small, but the place was packed. As the night went on, I found myself feeling more relaxed. The songs people sang were really good. Some were funny. Some were sad. Some were short, some were long, in all different styles. But even with the long ones, I didn’t want to leave. I was anticipating my turn. The crowd was pretty supportive. Then they called my name.Talk about having butterflies! But I picked up my guitar, walked away from the corner I’d been hiding in all night, and stood in front of the mic. I began to play and sing what I thought was my best song so far. When I finished, everyone applauded. I was so happy. People came up to thank me. I felt good. I decided right then to write more and to be brave and do more performances.A lot of people don't step out of the hidden corners of their lives. They stay in the dark because they feel they aren't good enough. Standing up in front of an audience isn’t easy. Every time I do it, I get butterflies and wonder if I’m brave enough. But afterward, I know it was worth it."
This is a story of possibility and potential. It’s also a story of how spark changes a life. What we see in Adanna’s story is a motivation to grow and develop. And it comes from inside her, compelling her to take responsible risks, even if this means embarrassment or falling on her face. How lucky she was (and we are) that her community provided the Nook, a place hospitable to her budding talent. Does America have enough Nooks or other settings for young people to stretch their wings? Not really.
In this case, however, it was exactly this venue that enabled Adanna to step out of the shadows and let her spark shine.
Commitment: How can a parent help a child stay involved with a SPARK if they tend to have a pattern of quitting and not sticking with anything?
Dr. Benson: Discipline is crucial to keeping your teenager’s spark alive. Following one’s spark is not only about joy; it also requires dedication and work.The teenagers who understand this can go far with their spark. They make personal sacrifices in its pursuit. Maybe they practice shooting baskets from all angles. Or they play an instrument on most days (and for a lot longer than five minutes).
Developing discipline takes time, and it’s not easy in this culture that emphasizes immediate gratification and instant results.At the core of self-discipline is the concept of perseverance. It means to keep trying when things are difficult and to bring one’s best efforts to each task. And many of a parent’s opportunities to teach about perseverance arise in relation to a child’s spark.
When your teenager is inspired to try a musical instrument or a new sport, you can help him set goals for learning and staying focused. Imagine together how far he might be able to go with this spark if he practices each day and strives always to do his best.
As a parent, you can watch for opportunities to model and teach about these useful concepts:
• Not giving up when things are difficult
• Striving for excellence, not perfection
• Getting perspective by thinking of the long term or the big picture
• Learning from our mistakes or failures
• Taking actions, even small ones, rather than procrastinating.
You can watch for opportunities during the common, daily events of life as well, from making the bed each morning to doing homework each evening. Parents often feel alarmed when their young teenager stops playing the violin or trumpet after three to five years. Or the child may quit playing basketball or soccer after years of playing on a team. Some parents watch their young teenagers drop everything and then replace these worthwhile childhood activities with chasing the opposite sex, going to the mall, or playing paintball in the backyard or at a nearby park.
If your teenager is in the “dropping out of everything” mode, place some boundaries on what he’s doing. For example, one parent was not happy when her son Micah decided to quit the viola after five years of private lessons. He had excelled at the instrument and had even earned a spot on a regional youth symphony. Micah, however, was insistent. The viola no longer excited him. He refused to practice. His private teacher said she would no longer teach him, and Micah happily agreed.
The parents, however, didn’t agree with Micah — or his private music teacher. Micah’s mother said, “If you want to quit the viola, that’s your choice, but you have to choose another instrument. You need to take private lessons and practice.” At first, Micah resisted, but his parents were insistent. Micah wasn’t allowed to run with his friends until he had chosen an instrument that “he was excited about.” At first, Micah complained to his friends. How could his parents do this to him? It wasn’t fair to force this on him! As it turned out, most of Micah’s friends were in a similar situation. They, too, no longer liked the musical instruments they had chosen as nine- and ten-year-olds. They wanted to quit, but their parents were asking, “What instead?”
So the boys began talking about the music and the instruments that excited them. One switched from classical piano to jazz piano played on an electric keyboard. Another switched from the flute to the electric guitar. Another went to the electric bass. And Micah? Percussion. He wanted a drum set. Again, Micah’s parents were firm. They would buy him a drum set only after he had taken six months of lessons on a practice pad.
They weren’t going to invest a lot in something that could possibly change within a few months. They had seen other teenagers go through phases where they were excited about one thing for three to six months and then switched to something completely different.
Six months later, percussion lessons were going well. Micah got a drum set, and the boys began forming a band.
Commitment: What can parents do to make sure their child doesn't lose their SPARK once they find it?
Dr. Benson: Your teenager prepares and prepares for a piano recital or to try out for the tennis team, and an admired adult is downright mean: “You won’t make it. You’re not good enough.” Or even worse, an adult or a peer shames your child: “Why are you even here? Why do you think you can play the piano?” These harsh reactions can crush your teenager’s spirit and squelch her spark (or send it deep into hiding).
Many individuals who have followed their spark over a course of several years will often talk about one (or more) individuals who tried to talk them out of their spark — or worse, made fun of their spark or wounded them emotionally.
Ask your teenager questions such as these:
• Why do you think this person had such a strong reaction to your spark?
• Do you agree with this person’s assessment? Why or why not?
• What if the person was having a bad day and took it out on you?
• How can you recover from this blow?
• How can you become more comfortable with your spark — no matter how others criticize it?
• How can you move forward?
Commitment: How can a parent encourage a SPARK if perhaps they have been laid off and money is tight, so that paying for lessons or other extracurricular activities may be difficult on the family?
Dr. Benson: There are lots of ways to encourage a spark even when money is tight. Imagine how a budding artist or musician can use her skills on a volunteer basis, teaching younger children or performing for neighbors and extended family. And keep your eye out for community volunteers who are ready to step up and mentor teenagers’ sparks.
Commitment: What are the three major pathways that teenagers travel through the adolescent years?
Dr. Benson: There are three major ways that youth travel through the adolescent years.
1. For some, the theme is one of being forgotten or left behind. For far too many youth, growing up in poverty, abusive families or a culture of crime places them in survival mode. They are vulnerable to risks and too often lack the support and opportunity needed to move forward productively.
2. Another pathway is one of boredom, of sliding by. Well-known social scientist Reed Larson has examined how youth are faring in America and comes to this conclusion: “A surprising number of youth appear to be bored, unmotivated, and unexcited about their lives. They communicate the ennui of being trapped in the present, waiting for someone to prove that life is worth living.
Many youth do their schoolwork, comply with their parents, hang out with their friends, and get through the day, but are not invested in paths into the future that excite them or feel like they originate from within.”
3. A third common pathway is one in which youth are purposeful about their future and take advantage of the challenges and opportunities that life presents. They are motivated and are on the road to a hopeful future. We could do far better in increasing the number of youth who take the third way, the journey of intention and purposefulness.
To do so depends less on “fixing” teenagers and more on “fixing” the environments in which we raise our young.As a nation, we have to do better at eliminating deep poverty and forms of discrimination that keep too many of our young people on the outside looking in.
We need to re-create the places where our teens spend time so that challenge and opportunity and support far outweigh the things that cause boredom and disconnection and disengagement. Making the third path more common starts with seeing our teens in a new and more positive way — as individuals with possibility, an inner light, a gift that our communities need.
The idea is that we would do far better if we focused less on managing and controlling teenagers and more on seeing, nurturing, and unleashing their strengths.
Commitment: How can parents create a home environment that will encourage and foster the discovery of a SPARK?
Dr. Benson: Even if your teenager doesn’t seem to have a spark, you can create a home environment that will encourage and foster the discovery of spark. For some families, that means having a lot of balls (or other types of sporting equipment) around so that kids can easily grab something and start to play.
For other families, it means having a stash of art supplies or a library card or a place to putter and dream. Some families have a weekly (or monthly) family time, and they’re intentional about creating a variety of meaningful activities to do together, such as volunteering together, playing soccer, doing 3D puzzles, going on hikes in local nature reserves, or going to concerts.
Because many teenagers balk at spending time with their families, encourage each of your children to invite a friend to your family activities. This often gets your teenager to connect with your family (even if it seems a bit peripheral), and you also get to know your teenager’s friends more.
Some families go bowling, go out for dinner, go mini golfing, check out a teen band that’s performing, or attend a school play together. These activities can be free, and they can be extra fun when you widen your family to include one or two of your teenager’s friends.
One of the best ways is to model your own spark. Let your child know what your spark is and describe whenever you can how your spark makes you feel.
This modeling will be contagious.
Commitment: How can a parent be a teenager's SPARK champion?
Dr. Benson: I devote an entire chapter to the parent’s role as a spark champion.
Spark champions:
• Affirm the spark
• Encourage its expression
• Model the spark
• Provide opportunities to express it
• Run interference and help eliminate obstacles
• Teach and mentor
• Show up (at recitals, games, performances, play, reading, contests) The major influence of spark champions during the adolescent years is something deeply transformative, even spiritual.
Spark champions give the message – a key life lesson – that there is something within a person that is good, beautiful, and useful to the world.
It is a process of revelation at exactly the time that the child’s self-identity is being formed.
Dr. Peter Benson is a leading authority on the development of children and teenagers. He is President of Search Institute, the nation’s foremost center on positive youth development. Sparks is his fifteenth book. At www.ignitesparks.org, the official Sparks: How Parents Can Help Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Teenagers Web site, you will find a list of more than 200 sparks that will enrich your teenager's life, research behind Sparks, a video of Peter Benson, an excerpt from the book, and more!
To purchase Sparks click here.
