The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples
Relationship expert Paul Coleman and author of "The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples" has advice for newleyweds on how to enjoy a great marriage!
Commitment: To start, what motivated you to write this book? Is there a lot of new information available today on how to have a happy marriage that isn't known to many?
Paul Coleman: When I wrote the first edition of this book, the research findings on couples were based on studying unhappy couples and we learned what they did "wrong". I was more interested in research on couples who were already happy and satisfied. What were they doing right? Research in the 1990's forward has been unique and groundbreaking. Basically, couples would be measured on a variety of qualities and followed for many years.
At some point, some of those couples would break up, others would be happy, others unhappy but together. Then the researchers analyzed their data to see which variables they measured in the beginning would predict togetherness years later.
Commitment: What are the greatest myths regarding happy marriages? What misconceptions do many people have about what it takes to have a happy marriage?
Paul: It used to be that "conflict-avoiders" were considered to have high-risk marriages. That is, people who tried to avoid conflict at all costs were presumed to be "stuffing their feelings" and increasing the odds of future unhappiness. Actually, if each person in a couple is a conflict-avider they can have a wonderful, lasting marriage--as long as the ratio of positive to negative interactions is at least 5:1. However, if a conflict-avoider is married to someone volatile, they will have their work cut out for them.
People assume they must have similar personalities to be compatible. Actually, differences between partners do not make much of a difference. But how those differences are managed can make or break a relationship.
Commitment: Secret #1 states that small talk, or chit chat that is reasonably pleasant, warm and cooperative, can have a very positive impact on a marriage. You write, "couples who have regular, pleasant conversations about ordinary, uncontroversial issues are less likely to turn a small disagreement later on into a big fight." What mistakes do some couples make when it comes to the everyday chit chat?
Paul: Small talk is like taking a vitamin every day. It keeps you healthier and may ward off some illnesses. Many arguments are really about a lack of connectedness and a lack of a felt sense of being cared for. Couples who enjoy chit-chat convey a sense of "I like you!". If chit-chat is too formal, couples will feel self-conscious. Better to have small talk when you can engage in some other pleasant couple activity such as giving a back rub, sitting on the proch, or going for a stroll.
Commitment: Why is giving one's partner the benefit of the doubt so helpful and conducive to marital happiness?
Paul: When you give the benefit of the doubt you look for good intentions. You look for the positive in your partner. It creates and sustains goodwill. Conversely, not giving the benefit of the doubt reveals a lack of trust or a degree of ill-will. Even if your partner does something you don't like, judging them harshly won't win you any prizes. Better to wonder "What's bothering him? (or her)" and inquire. Maybe his bad mood has to do with outside factors that have nothing to do with you.
Commitment: In your opinion, what are the greatest destroyers of marital happiness?
Paul: Lack of attention is huge. About seventy percent of divorces happen because of emotional drift--not from alcoholism, abuse, or affairs. People need to feel cared about, respected, and desired. Any one of those qualities alone does not make a marriage work.
Selfishness is a big factor, too. I define that as the inability to notice or care about the impact your behaviors have on your spouse. If all you notice is how you are being affected, but fail to see the impact you have on others, the marriage will be rocky. Marriage requires sacrifice. There is no way to always compromise. Sometimes you have to give something up for the sake of the other. If a relationship is not sacrificial it is superficial.
Commitment: Secret #3 is magical attentiveness, which could also be known as caring gestures. What is magical attentiveness and what are five ways a couple can enhance this particular aspect of their marriage?
Paul: You need to notice the little things as well as the big things. What is something thoughtful you could do for a spouse that would make their day go easier or make them feel more special? Sometimes a partner makes a small bid for attention. Those small bids can be easily ignored--don't do that. Has your spouse ever come behind you while you were on the computer and put an arm around you--and you responded by ignoring her?
Has a spouse started a routine dialogue about minor things ("How was your day? Want anything special for dinner?") and you responded with indifference? Not good. Beef up your batting average by paying attention to the small bids for attention. Let him or her know that they matter to you.
Has a spouse started a routine dialogue about minor things ("How was your day? Want anything special for dinner?") and you responded with indifference? Not good. Beef up your batting average by paying attention to the small bids for attention. Let him or her know that they matter to you.
Commitment: You write, "a funny thing happens on the way to your fifth wedding anniversary: Actions once viewed as considerate and special by an appreciative spouse (filling the gas tank, sewing on a button) are now expected." Why is it dangerous to take one's mate and their caring gestures for granted?
Paul: You don't want the specialness to fade. Besides, we all need pats on the back and shows of appreciation, some kind of recognition. Your mate is subconsciously (o consciously) asking the question: How does he (she) really feel about me? If you take a spouse for granted, gratitude starts to vanish. Without gratitude, you start to feel entitled to things being a certain way. A sense of entitlement never helps a relationship. Entitlement is always about you, not about the other.
Commitment: Secret #5 recommends "yield often to your partner's wishes." You write, "you must value getting along more than you value getting your way." Can you explain how this helps a marriage? What if a person finds it hard to give the other person their way and feels quite intensely about getting their own needs and wishes met?
Paul: This advice is especially important for men to heed. On average, women are more willing to yield to a partner. If it becomes too one sided, unhappiness by the woman will result. Certainly there are times when you do feel strongly about something and taking a no-compromise approach may be necessary. But that will be easier for a spouse to bear if you have been flexible in the past and willing to yield when you could.
Rigidity, having to get your way most of the time brings resentment and a sense of unfairness. If a spouse thinks the relationship is unfair, the scales will get balanced somehow--usually subtly.
For example, if one spouse controls the money, the other may end up controlling the sexual relationship. If you think matters are unfair, you may start to act cold or indifferent at other times, creating more conflict or dissatisfaction for each. A downward spiral can develop.
Rigidity, having to get your way most of the time brings resentment and a sense of unfairness. If a spouse thinks the relationship is unfair, the scales will get balanced somehow--usually subtly.
For example, if one spouse controls the money, the other may end up controlling the sexual relationship. If you think matters are unfair, you may start to act cold or indifferent at other times, creating more conflict or dissatisfaction for each. A downward spiral can develop.
Commitment: You write about finding the "dream within the conflict" or getting to the story behind an opinion or stance that can't be budged, "The purpose is to help each of you realize that part of the reason you're being stubborn or uncompromising is because you have an underlying dream or wish that isn't being realized." Why is understanding the dreams or wishes of our mate, that may come from painful early life events, going to help a couple get along better?
Paul: Your partner isn't one dimensional. Opinions and attitudes can sometimes stem from deep experiences. For example, imagine a couple argues about how tidy the house should be. "Logical" debates about what constitutes a reasonable degree of cleanliness will likely not get them anywhere for long.
But imagine if the tidy partner says "When I was a kid my mother always made sure the house was fairly clean and tidy and it left me with warm feelings. The house was cozy, it was a comfortable place to be." Imagine the less-tidy spouse saying "I have so much on my mind that when I come home the idea of cleaning up things makes me more stressed. I need to be less stressed in order to tidy things up." Now such reasons don't make either spouse more entitled to get their way. but it makes the position they take more understandable and easier to find compromises. You care about the person--and their experiences.
But imagine if the tidy partner says "When I was a kid my mother always made sure the house was fairly clean and tidy and it left me with warm feelings. The house was cozy, it was a comfortable place to be." Imagine the less-tidy spouse saying "I have so much on my mind that when I come home the idea of cleaning up things makes me more stressed. I need to be less stressed in order to tidy things up." Now such reasons don't make either spouse more entitled to get their way. but it makes the position they take more understandable and easier to find compromises. You care about the person--and their experiences.
Caring about a "rule" isn't about the relationship or understanding the person. It's about law enforcement. Trouble is, you each follow different laws. Without understanding and caring, the laws won't help the relationship thrive.
Commitment: What are your three best tips for couples who want to improve their sex life?
Paul: I tell men who wish their wives were more sexual: Dramatically increase the amount of non-sexual affection you show. Non-sexual affection tells her that she is special and beloved. Women need that in order to want to make love.
Set a date. Plan for it. If you are busy with kids and work, it's too eay to get sidetracked. Besides, planning on making love can make you anticipate the moment hours or days before.
Have moments here or there of "hot intimacy."
Hot intimacy need not be about sex at all. It means taking something more routine or mundane (holding hands in the mall) and for a few seconds turning it into something hot (kissing her hard in teh appliances aisle when no one is watching). Hot intimacy inspires sex, it doesn't have to involve sex. It is a quick burst of passion that creates a desire for more later on.
Hot intimacy need not be about sex at all. It means taking something more routine or mundane (holding hands in the mall) and for a few seconds turning it into something hot (kissing her hard in teh appliances aisle when no one is watching). Hot intimacy inspires sex, it doesn't have to involve sex. It is a quick burst of passion that creates a desire for more later on.
Commitment: How does being positive and optimistic play a role in happy marriages?
Paul: Optimists are better problem solvers, happier, more creative, more sensitive--all of which helps marriages survive and thrive. In contrast, pessimists find ways to make a nice day unpleasant. They tend to be more critical and judgmental.
Commitment: How can couples with young children find time for intimacy? What advice do you have for these couples who may feel completely exhausted and wiped out by the end of the day, with virtually nothing leftover for each other?
Paul: Aim for at least fifteen minutes a day of "couple time". If you're each tired, spend the fifteen minutes giving a back rub or foot massage. Pay attention to small, quick opportunities for a greater connection: a kiss or hug as you pass one another in the kitchen; a nice compliment; a short love note on the windshield or the computer screen. Create a certain ritual just for the two of you such as snuggling in bed for a few minutes every morning; watching a favorite TV show; enjoying a cup of coffee or glass of wine together once in a while. Plan dates in advance.
Schedule a babysitter for future date nights ahead of time so you always have something to look forward to. Order season tickets to a local playhouse so you have an automatic date night.
Schedule a babysitter for future date nights ahead of time so you always have something to look forward to. Order season tickets to a local playhouse so you have an automatic date night.
Commitment: You suggest that a couple find the sacred purpose to their marriage. Why is this important and how can a couple do that?
Paul: You can view your marriage as a contract or you can view it as a sacred contract. A contract can be broken. A sacred contract comes with the realization that your union may serve a spiritual purpose to your life. It can lead you to become a better person, more enlightened, more loving. So when you are hurt in a marriage you can learn forgiveness. If you are hurtful, you can learn humility. If angry, you can learn patience and tolerance. If resentful, you can learn gratitude. When you view life as sacred you realize that there are lessons to be learned which sometimes necessitate us experiencing pain or loss or setbacks.
Commitment: What is the most important thing a couple who is existing together in a barely surviving marriage do to improve how they feel about one another?
Paul: First, find out from one another what they wish they had gotten from their childhood but didn't get. What deep wish or desire or yearning went unfulfilled or partially filled as a child. Even if the childhood was "perfect" keep looking for something, anything, that wasn't quite ideal. Odds are that same things has been missing or become a problem in one's current life.
For example, an over-responsible child may have wished for more nurturance and less burden. Now as an adult, that person still feels burdened and has an attitude "When is it my turn?" Now you each understand something that is at your partner's core and has probably been neglected somewhat in the marriage. Endeavor to help meet that need for your partner in some ways over the next several weeks and see what happens.
For example, an over-responsible child may have wished for more nurturance and less burden. Now as an adult, that person still feels burdened and has an attitude "When is it my turn?" Now you each understand something that is at your partner's core and has probably been neglected somewhat in the marriage. Endeavor to help meet that need for your partner in some ways over the next several weeks and see what happens.
Commitment: What does criticism do to a marriage, and since most of us know that criticism can destroy relationships, why do so many couples continue to judge and be critical of one another? How do we stop these knee-jerk responses?
Paul: Criticism usually results in a defensive response. Then each partner stop strying to understand one another and instead tries to convince the other how wrong they are. Criticism breeds more criticism. A complaint is less personal. A complaint does not attack the person. Saying "You didn't do the dishes" is a complaint. Saying "You're lazy" is a criticism.
Commitment: What are five conversation killers that can hurt communication in a marriage?
Paul: Hasty reassurances such as "I'm sure everything will work out" or "Don't worry about it" may not feel reassuring but instead may make the partner feel dismissed.
Minimizing the other's feelings by saying "You shouldn't be so upset" or "You shouldn't feel that way" can be misconstrued as not caring or being critical or judging. Better to ask "Why do you feel that way?" They do have their reasons.
Speaking in cliches. "That's life...It happens to everybody.." can make the person feel not listened to but preached to.
Parental comments. Anything that conveys an "I know best" attitude can be a turn-off.
Making "Hurry up!" comments or gestures. Anything that tells the other person "Get on with it!" can make them feel like they are being a bother and that you truly don't wish to understand..
About the Author: Paul Coleman, Psy.D., is a psychologist and relationship therapist who has appeared on shows such as Oprah and Today. He is the author of ten books, including How to Say it to Your Kids! Visit Dr. Coleman at his website, www.paul-coleman.com.
To order The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples, click here.
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