The Biggest Mistakes Divorcing Parents Make—And How Not To Make Them
Dr. Lisa Rene Reynolds, author of “Still A Family: A Guide to Good Parenting Through Divorce” offers down-to-earth advice on how to comfortably guide your children through the difficulties of divorce.
Commitment: What are the five biggest mistakes divorcing parents often make? How can a parent avoid making these mistakes?
Dr. Lisa Rene Reynolds:
• ENDING THE MARRIAGE TOO QUICKLY
Are you really sure it's over? Did the decision to divorce come from a moment of emotional exhaustion? Many parents decide to divorce because they don't know what else to do. Perhaps they feel that they've tried to make things better and it's just not working so the logical next step is to file
for divorce.
Many marriages can be saved with early intervention and the
right resources/therapist. If there is any doubt whether you really want the divorce, look into seeing a therapist together or reading self-help material to be sure you've exhausted all the avenues.
• CRITICIZING THE OTHER PARENT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN This also includes saying bad things about your ex-spouse to people who may repeat them back to your children, leaving nasty phone messages that your child may overhear, or engaging in malicious Internet blogging.
Many times, this criticizing prompts a child to defend the parent being put down or turning anger on the parent who is doing the criticizing.
In any case, a child either hurts for the parent who is being put down or becomes parentified and feels the need to protect or defend the parent instead of just being a child.
Keep your negative thoughts to yourself or vent them to
a trusted family member or friend. Practice cooling off techniques that will help you not criticize when you are frustrated with your ex-spouse. And remember- in due time, your child will recognize each parent's faults. You need not rush the process. Let your child figure out who Mom and Dad are in his or her own time.
• USING THE WRONG WORDS
Sometimes parents say things that are particularly hurtful to children during divorce. They may not realize that things like, "You're acting just like your Father," or "Knock it off or you can go live with your Mom" can take on new meaning during a divorce.
Being compared to a parent may not be a compliment when it is evident that one parent does not like the other. Be careful with your words!
• FORCING A CHILD TO CHOOSE SIDES
A child should never be forced to "choose sides" during a divorce. A child should know and be told that he or she has TWO parents that love him or her.
Additionally, a child should be encouraged to engage positively with both parents with no risk of hurting one or the other parent's feelings by doing so.
Remember that a divorce is a big enough change to have to adjust to for a child. You mustn't complicate it further by putting a child in a place where she or he feels forced to be an ally with either parent against the other.
• NOT TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
A divorce can be stressful and emotionally draining for everyone involved.
Many parents are not careful to take the time and effort to care for themselves during this difficult time. Therefore, many divorcing parents end up being depressed, impatient or emotionally unavailable to their children at a time where they need them most.
A healthy parent--emotionally, spiritually, physically--makes for a happier, more involved parent. Take care of yourself now; your kids will see the difference.
Commitment: What are some of the reasons divorce is often very difficult and traumatic for children?
Dr. Reynolds: In short, divorce is a change and therefore requires adjustment on the part of all parties involved. There is also the element of loss for children.
Research suggests that children experience a divorce much like they do a person dying. The stages of grief can be quite similar.
Indeed, the breakup of a marriage results in the loss of a family unit the way the children once knew it.
Several factors can make the divorce experience more difficult and traumatic for children. Excessive fighting between parents, financial strain, being forced to choose sides or to pick up responsibilities for the parent who has moved out can be huge stressors for a child.
I recommend BOTH parents read some sort of a divorce parenting guide or take a divorce parenting class as early as possible to help them understand the children's experience and needs during this difficult time.
Commitment: What are some of the emotional needs children have that their parent's divorce threatens? How can divorcing parents meet their children's basic emotional needs despite the end of their marriage?
Dr. Reynolds: Children have different emotional needs at any given developmental stage they may be at. Healthy emotional growth for a child requires that he or she have regular interaction and nurturance from at least one primary caregiving
figure or parent.
Ideally, a child will continue to have regular time spent
with each parent during the divorce and post-divorce. Any abuse--verbal, physical, emotional, or psychological--towards the child should be avoided AT ALL COSTS.
These types of negative interaction can be hugely scarring and
have long-term effects on the child throughout his or her life.
Even though parents are divorcing, they are both responsible for continuing to parent effectively. Each parent needs to not lose focus on his or her own parenting practices and make it a goal to continue to meet all the children's emotional needs during this time of change and adjustment.
Commitment: What are ten ways parents can reduce the pain their children experience due to their divorce?
Dr. Reynolds:
• Be physically and emotionally available
• Don't fight in front of the children
• Don't disparage the other parent in front of the children
• Acknowledge your own poor judgment or behaviors towards your ex-spouse if you "lose it" in front of the children and explain not only how you take
ownership, but also how you will make amends and try not to do it again
• Allow the child to miss one parent when he or she is with the other one
• Follow through with whatever promises you make to children during this
time
• Show emotion; allow for and validate a variety of different emotional reactions from children
• Look into support groups or therapy for any child who seems to be having a particularly difficult time with the divorce
• Be kind and respectful to one another as parents
Commitment: What are some ways to prevent a child from feeling abandoned if one of the parents move out of the house?
Dr. Reynolds: It is so important for BOTH parents to tell children that the parent moving out is not doing so to abandom the children but rather, that he or she is leaving to reduce stress between the two parents.
Involve children in the move if they want to be. Allow them to be involved in any decisions you can--What room would he or she like in the new apartment? What color would he or she like to paint the walls in the room? Where should new furniture be placed? Also, allow children to bring whatever personal items they'd like to the one parent's new place to make it feel more like home.
Commitment: What can a parent do if their ex fights in front of the children and creates many difficult scenes where the children are caught in the middle? Is there a way for a parent to protect their child if their ex doesn't cooperate and is not that concerned with the children's pain?
Dr. Reynolds: The sooner a parent realizes he or she is not in control of the other parent's words and behaviors, the sooner the parent will be free too expend 100% of his or her energy on self.
Although a parent cannot change the other, he or she should focus entirely on making sure there is nothing he or
she is adding to the mix that might trigger or escalate the argument.
Walk away, practice non-confrontive communication, journal, communicate via e-mail, talk to friends and family, work on anger management skills.
Although you may not be able to completely protect your children from the verbal aggression of your ex-spouse, you are entirely able to make at least one good example for the children of how to manage difficult people and situations.
Commitment: Why does it help to talk about the good qualities of the ex-spouse to the child? How does negative and critical talk about a parent impact a child?
Dr. Reynolds: I wrote about the detriment to children if one parent talks negatively about the other in question number 1. A great point here is that speaking of the good qualities of a parent sends a simple message to the children that it is
okay to like both parents.
It shows respect, honesty and focus on the positive--all great things for any child to learn.
Commitment: What is the best way to tell a child about the divorce?
Dr. Reynolds: In my book, I discuss very detailed guidelines for how, where, when to tell children about divorce.
Some of the worst mistakes parents make are blaming one parent for the divorce, making up lies about one parent to pit the child against that parent, telling the children at a "bad time" (e.g., right before bedtime, when friends are over, when small children are hungry or irritable), or telling children inappropriate details about one parent's choices or actions.
Commitment: What can be done when a child is visiting one parent, but missing the other parent?
Dr. Reynolds: Great question! Parents can (and should) encourage a child to write a letter or draw a picture for the parent he or she is missing and put in a box that he or she will take to the other parent's house.
E-mails, phone calls, and IM's are other great ways to stay in touch.
Keep favorite photos of the other parent handy for the child to look at and allow the child to bring reminders of the other parent or special keepsakes from him or her at your home. Most importantly, NEVER get upset or angry at a child for missing the
other parent. It is normal and not a reflection that the child loves or likes you any less.
Commitment: Do you have advice for parents on how they can make visits easier on the children?
Dr. Reynolds: It's all about transition for younger children. Prepare children ahead of time for the upcoming changeover by using calenders and rituals like packing up a bag of clothes and favorite toys or items.
Remind children frequently that Mom or Dad is coming soon as the time draws nearer. Encourage the parent to stay for a minute or two to engage with the child in one setting before heading off abruptly to the new one. My book offers many more suggestions for what to do if a child is resistent or upset about leaving one parent, refuses to go, or has anxiety issues or seperation difficulty.
For older kids and teens, try to allow these children to be involve din the planning/timing process as much as possible so that they are aware of when the changes will occur. Be sensitive to the fact that, at times, changeover may be a little difficult for any child. Just keep positive, support the child (BOTH parents) and be open about feelings regarding visits and what
might make it easier for the child.
Commitment: What are five ways to reduce the trauma divorce can cause in a child's life?
Dr. Reynolds:
• Educate the child on normal reactions and responses when a divorce happens so he or she understands what he or she might be feeling
• BOTH parents should keep the children's feelings and best interests at the
forefront at all times during the divorce process
• Ask for help or read a self-help guide if you are struggling with how to support your child during the divorce
• Follow through on any agreements with the other parent regarding the children (e.g., paying child support in a timely fashion, picking up and dropping off on time)
• Engage regularly with the children and conatct the school if necessary to check on a child's behavior and performance there.
Dr. Lisa Rene Reynolds is a therapist specializing in marriage counseling and therapy with families going through divorce. She has master’s and Ph.D. degrees in marital and family therapy, and she teaches a court-mandated divorce-parenting class for the State of Connecticut.
To purchase Still A Family click here.
