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How to Deal With Impulsive, Out-of-Control Children
Is your child difficult to manage? George M. Kapalka, Ph.D., author of “Parenting Your Out-of-Control Child: An Effective, Easy-to-Use Program for Teaching Self-Control” has tips on how to deal effectively with your out-of-control child.
Commitment: What are some of the reasons children exhibit out-of-control behaviors?
George M. Kapalka, Ph.D: The most common reasons are impulsivity and poor self-control. When children with these characteristics become frustrated (because something they sought did not happen or parents did not allow something the children desired), they experience an impulse to protest, accompanied by a rush of negative emotions, and they express these by acting out verbally, and often physically.
Commitment: How can a parent remain calm when their child is out-of-control, or having some type of temper tantrum?
Dr. Kapalka: Parents need to keep in mind that the reason children act out is because they lose control, not because they willingly seek to anger parents. In addition, when parents' anger escalates, the children will mirror the same emotions, and the loss of control will occur much faster.
Commitment: Why are some children so difficult to manage?
Dr. Kapalka: The ability to modulate impulses and control reactions varies from one child to another, and generally improves with age. However, some children continue to be very impulsive, mostly because their frontal lobes are less mature than those of other children, and those kids tend to have much more difficulties with self-control.
Commitment: How can a parent help their child keep the positive aspects of being strong-willed, without letting the child control the household?
Dr. Kapalka: Children who are impulsive may grow up to become adults who are spontaneous and fun to be around. However, as with most things in life, moderation is the key.
When children exhibit impulsive tendencies, the best thing parents can do is to help them develop better judgment. The difference between uncontrolled impulsivity and defiance (exhibiting those in most situations) and desirable spontaneity and determination (being able to turn these qualities on and off, as adaptable) lies in the ability to learn to anticipate the consequences of own behaviors. Those children who can not do so exhibit significant difficulties. Those who can have learned better self-control.
Commitment: How can a parent teach their child self-control? For example, how can a parent help their child not to interrupt them on the telephone?
Dr. Kapalka: Use of frequent consequences, along with cues, is the most effective approach.
As an example, as described in the book, a behavioral technique can help the children suppress the impulse to interrupt in many situations, including telephone conversations. Parents need to establish appropriate consequences for interrupting or not interrupting, cue the children that a situation will occur when they need to exercise self-control (by not interrupting), and practice often (dispensing appropriate consequences each time).
While this may seem cumbersome at first, it is a teaching method, and with time parents can gradually fade the use of tangible consequences and self-control will continue to improve.
Commitment: What is the best way for a parent to react and respond when their child is having a melt-down or exhibiting out-of-control behavior? What is the worst reaction a parent could give that only makes the situation worse?
Dr. Kapalka: The worst reaction occurs when a parent gets as upset as the child and loses control over his or her own reactions. This only escalates the conflict further and does NOT teach better self-control. Conversely, remaining calm is necessary, and it is usually best to remove the child from the situation into any form of time-out that is available. Within the home, this can be done by utilizing a time-out spot, or the child's room.
Outside of the home, parents need to think creatively about how such removal spots can be implemented - for example, by using the car, a bathroom stall (in a restaurant or a store), a spare room (when visiting family), etc. It helps to think ahead about what spots may be available at the destination the parent and child is heading into.
Commitment: Can you explain how to give a command that will be effective, such as "Please clean up your room"?
Dr. Kapalka: The best commands are prefaced by attention getters - cues that the parent is about to say something that must be attended to. This should be followed by a simple and clear command requesting a single action, stated in the imperative.
If the child refuses, parents should not immediately get into an argument, but should remain in the child's vicinity and communicate to the child that they will not accept no for an answer. Ways of doing so are outlined in the book.
Commitment: What is an 'noncompliant interaction'? How can a parent accidentally say and do things that actually make their child less likely to obey?
Dr. Kapalka: A non-compliant interaction is one in which parents continue to repeat a command and the child continues to refuse or ignore, and therefore compliance is not forthcoming. These often escalates through a cycle of threats, which usually are ineffective and do not produce compliance.
Parents need to break this cycle, and the book outlines ways to do so.
Commitment: Why is it important that consequences of out-of-control behavior are immediate?
Dr. Kapalka: Children who are impulsive have difficulties learning from consequences. When these consequences are not immediate, it becomes even harder to learn from them, since making the behavior-consequence connection is more difficult.
Parents need to develop ways of administering immediate consequences, both positive and negative, and behavioral contracts (as discussed in the book) provide opportunities to frequently give such feedback.
Commitment: What are your five best tips for handling a temper tantrum?
Dr. Kapalka:
- Anticipate what situations are most likely to produce one.
- Clearly establish rules associated with the given situation (the fewer, and more specific, the better).
- Clearly establish positive consequences (for listening) and negative ones (for tantruming).
- When the situation takes place, monitor the child's behavior, and try to catch any situation where a tantrum may develop by briefly reminding the child of the rules and consequences.
- If a tantrum occurs, remove the child to any time-out spot that may be
available, keep him there until calm, and afterwards administer the proper
consequence for tantruming.
Commitment: Do you have any advice for parents who had a hard time getting their children to do their homework?
Dr. Kapalka: Parents need to consider many factors, including the time of day the home work is attempted, whether there is any privilege connected with home work completion, what is the home work setting, and what kind of assistance the child may need (and how to give it). All of these are described in the book.
Commitment: Can you explain what 'first-try compliance' means and how this can teach a child to be more compliant?
Dr. Kapalka: This technique teaches the child, through the use of cues and consequences, to suppress the impulse to resist. Gradually, with repeated and frequent practice, children become able to generalize this increased self-control onto other similar situations.
George M. Kapalka, Ph.D., ABPP, is a board-certified clinical psychologist. He is director of the Center for Behavior Modification in Brick, NJ, and associate professor of psychological counseling at Monmouth University in West Long Branch, NJ. He has authored nearly 100 research studies, publications, and professional presentations, and currently he is editor of the New Jersey Journal of Professional Counseling. He is school-certified in New Jersey, heads a state-approved independent child study team, and is a member of medical staff at Meridian Health Systems’ Brick Hospital.
To purchase Parenting Your Out of Control Child, click here.
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