A Mom Gets Advice On How To Help Her 14-Year Old Daughter Who Is Not Popular At School
Dr. Sylvia Rimm, author of "See Jane Win" shares tips on how to help girls feel good about themselves even if they are not popular at school.
Families Can Help Popularity Pressures
Dr. Sylvia Rimm, author of "See Jane Win: A Smart Girl's Guide to Success" shares her research on why some girls cope well with not being popular at school and manage to maintain their confidence, while others sink into feelings of low self-esteem and depression. She also outlines the difference between not being popular and experiencing genuine loneliness and lack of social skills.
Dear Dr. Sylvia:
I have a beautiful 14-year old daughter who is simply not very popular at school. Because of this, she does not think well of herself. What can I do to help her?
Signed: A Concerned Mom
Dr. Rimm: The pressures on children to feel popular begin early and continue through high school. The pressures are probably at their worst during the middle school years.
My survey of over 5,000 middle grade students showed that by third grade 15% worried a lot about being popular. That percentage increased yearly and by eighth grade, your daughter's age, more than a third of the students worried a lot about not being popular enough.
While popularity is truly not important for your daughter’s potential happiness or success, friendship is important forever. It's crucial to determine whether her worry is about popularity or loneliness.
It's clear from your question that you believe that she doesn't think well of herself and while many adolescents struggle with self esteem, assisting her in developing reasonable self confidence is very important.
If your daughter has some good friends and isn't lonely, you only have to convince her that popularity isn't an important goal. You can do that by pointing out that many of the popular kids you went to school with didn't accomplish much in their lives, while many of the kids who were good students with a few friends, grew to have very successful and happy lives.
You can explain to your daughter the importance of finding interests and friends who share those interests with her.
My research found that girls who were involved in plenty of extracurricular activities were less worried about popularity. Girls Scouts, sports, drama, music, debate, school newspaper, and religious groups are a few of the activities your daughter can select from to develop interests, build confidence, and bond with friends.
Girls who are engaged in altruistic volunteer activities make real contributions to others and develop self esteem. Becoming a "Big Sister," tutoring a younger child, babysitting, or coaching sports for younger children are all ways that help girls become confident and resilient.
Also, my research found that girls that had above average family relationships were less worried about popularity. When your family plans interesting activities or trips, your daughter may want to bring a friend along. Sleepovers and fun evenings with friends on weekends can also help your daughter build social confidence.
Sometimes your own very caring concern about your daughter’s social status can backfire and cause her to worry more. If you're very anxious about her popularity, she'll assume it's more important. If you're more relaxed about it and assure your daughter she'll be fine with her small friendship group, she'll feel better about herself.
Finally, I can't ignore the possibility that your daughter may actually be lonely and have poor social skills. If that's the case, she'd no doubt benefit from counseling with someone who teaches social skills.
In addition, there are many books for girls that teach social skills. My book See Jane Win For Girls (2003, Free Spirit) addresses the issues of friendship, popularity, and self esteem, and it contains questions that you and your daughter can discuss that will surely help her. Also, you'll find tips for guiding her in my book Growing Up Too Fast.
For free newsletters on Raising Girls for Optimism and Resilience, Growing Up Too Fast or Social Skills, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094.
Read Dr. Rimm’s Articles for Parents and Teachers and submit family questions online at www.sylviarimm.com or at www.seejanewin.com. All questions are answered.
To purchase "See Jane Win: A Smart Girl's Guide to Success" click here.
About the Author: Dr. Sylvia Rimm is the author of many books including See Jane Win, a New York Times and Wall Street Journal best-seller.
She is director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, and a clinical professor at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine.
Dr. Rimm is well-known for her syndicated column On Raising Kids, her longtime national public radio show Family Talk with Sylvia Rimm, and her frequent appearances on NBC's Today show. She is also a mother of four and a grandmother of nine.
