It Hurt Her To Live In A World That Was Hard To Be Soft In--So She Wrote A Book About How To Comfort Others

Val Walker, author of "The Art of Comforting" shares her thoughts on how to comfort others. "We may be more 'connected' virtually and electronically, but we are missing the comfort of feeling special, unique and closer to others."

		How Do You Comfort Others?
		Do you have a special way of comforting others? Or did someone once comfort you in a way that you will never forget? Tell us about it. Name:  Email:

Val Walker, author of "The Art of Comforting: What To Say and Do for People in Distress" was going through a particularly painful period in her life, when she started to notice that finding comfort was not so easy. Then, a dear friend offered her the gift of listening and offered "a little sanctuary for me to fall apart without judgment and shame was deeply liberating and reassuring." In this interview, she discusses the art of comforting in a world too busy to notice those feeling alienated and alone.


Commitmentnow.com: What in your own life happened that motivated you to write a book on how to comfort others?

Val Walker: During a particularly painful period in my life when I was dealing with multiple losses, I became sadly aware that most people were not comfortable with offering comfort to me.  At first I took this observation about our society to heart (personally)—it hurt that we lived in a world that was hard to be soft in.

But later, just after my divorce, a dear friend named Morna gave me the gift of comforting, by sitting with me and allowing me to acknowledge my pain.  She gently and kindly listened and accepted me with all of my conflicting emotions—willing to bear witness to all that I was going through. Her ability to create a little sanctuary for me to fall apart without judgment and shame was deeply liberating and reassuring.

From that core experience with a true friend, I discovered the meaning of comforting and found inspiration for writing a book about how to comfort our friends, colleagues and family loved ones.

Commitmentnow.com: Tell us about your friend Morna. What was it about the way she comforted you that touched you and helped heal you during a difficult time?
  
Val: Morna, who is Scottish, came from Scotland to visit me and spent a week with me. She allowed me to be honest and open about my painful divorce and loneliness—and I had been ashamed of my loneliness as so many people I reached out to had told me to “get over it” and move on. I felt great relief and acceptance in how she sat with me.  Later she shared her stories with me over home-cooked meals and long walks.

Commitmentnow.com: Do you think people are becoming less skilled at comforting others?

Val: I believe there are many influences in our culture that powerfully discourage us from practicing ways of being empathic, respectful, honest and patient. As I mentioned before, we live in a hard world to be soft in. We are hurried, extremely concerned about being productive, we like to fix things (and people), and we depend more on virtual communication rather than face-to-face  communication.

Our abilities to reach out to people right next to us who need our eye-contact, our touch, our smile, or little acts of caring are not being taken as seriously as “getting things done” on our to-do lists or getting lots of people to “like” us.

Many people, especially going through hardship or grief, are feeling invisible, lonely and excluded, even though they might be a “friend” to someone on Facebook or getting gazillions of e-mails.

We may be more “connected” virtually and electronically, but we are missing the comfort of feeling special, unique and closer to others.

For example, I responded to a friend on Facebook who I had not seen in 20 years, and gave her a phone call.  I was sad that she never responded to the call, but just acknowledged my call on Facebook on her “wall.” How ironic, I thought, that she is putting a “wall” up between us by not calling me back for a good, old-fashioned conversation!  

Val's Best Ten Tips on Comforting A Friend:

Here is a quick list for starters on how to be comforting:

-    Be present with that person, that is, not multitasking and distracted.

-    Greet the person. Make eye contact and welcome the person into the moment with you.  People in distress are highly sensitive to greetings and feeling welcomed, as they are afraid of being a burden or being too vulnerable.  Greetings establish the “green light” that it is okay to connect person-to-person.

-    Listen with empathy and interest.

-    Follow the lead of the person and allow them to guide the conversation or the activity.

-    Acknowledge what they are going through, by saying something such as, “It sounds like this is a terrible time.”

-    Briefly state your feelings of sadness, caring or sorrow by saying you are sorry, concerned or sad.

-    Invite them to share more with you by avoiding yes or no questions.  Rather, ask a question that allows them to tell you as much as they like. “What’s been happening with the lab tests?”

-    If someone does not feel like talking, reassure them that this is okay.  Allow them to sit in silence if they prefer, and try not to rush them or push them to talk.  Let them know that you are there for them, by just being together with them.  Even simply sitting together watching their favorite TV show or playing with their cat can be as comforting as having a big “heart-to-heart” talk.  A person who is suffering mostly wants the reassurance that you really care about them, especially if they feel they are not “good company.”

-    As you listen and attune yourself to the person in distress, avoid offering advice, unless they ask you for suggestions.

-    Offer a way to follow-up later.  Suggest a way to reconnect.  By doing this, the person in distress feels that you do actually want to connect with them again, and they know you truly mean to be there again for them.

-    Offer things that you can honestly follow through with.  We cannot be everything to everybody, and we need to be clear with our limitations when offering comfort to others.  Avoid over-promising.  People in distress can feel hurt even more when someone they are counting on is unreliable and does not come through.

Val's Best Tips For Writing A Comforting Card:

-    Let the person know you have them in your thoughts, or prayers, or in your heart.  Let them know you have been thinking about them.

-    Let them know you how you feel to hear about the loss.

-    Acknowledge the loss.

-    Ask how they are doing.

-    Express your desire to stay in touch with them. Perhaps gently offer to get together with them.

-    Stay in touch, especially during anniversaries and holidays.

Commitmentnow.com: You wrote, "Being strong with someone means creating a sanctuary for someone in pain, a respite from the busy, indifferent world around us, just sitting down, listening, and allowing the person to acknowledge his or her pain." How can we 'create a sanctuary' for someone in pain?

Val: As I mentioned earlier, just listening and allowing time for that person, even just a few minutes can make a big difference in someone’s day.

Commitmentnow.com: Often, when someone is upset, they are told to "get over it" or "see the good in the situation" which is often akin to being rushed out of their feelings. What cliches tend to make a person more upset, rather than actually provide comfort?

Val: Here are some popular platitudes that we could avoid:
“But it could be worse. Your situation is not as bad as ….”  (Avoid comparisons, people in pain appreciate being validated, not compared and measured.)

“Be positive.”  (Avoid telling people to “be” something.  You might say, instead, “I believe in you.”

“Look on the bright side.”  (Instead, acknowledge the truth of their experience, even negative feelings.)

Commitmentnow.com: And why do we try to erase and rush the feelings someone needing comfort have?

Val: I believe most of us feel uncomfortable and awkward around a vulnerable person.  First of all, we need to slow down when we connect with a person is suffering or fragile, but we are so rushed. Our society does not teach us how to use comforting language and how to be accepting and respectful of people dealing with grief and hardship.  Americans are over-individualized, and prefer to be in “fix-it” mode.  Our culture seems to prefer solutions rather than our presence, empathy and good listening.

Commitmentnow.com: How should a person feel after being comforted?

Val: People mostly feel relieved, appreciated, heard, loved, cared for, respected, hopeful.

Commitmentnow.com: What are some ways to comfort our children when they are upset?

Val: Here are some typical ways children can be comforted:

-    Keeping normal routines.
-    Physical contact, hugs, reassurance -- even snuggling with a child together sitting with a blanket wrapped around you while watching TV or reading a story.
-    One-on-one time to check in with the child every day.
-    Being honest that you as an adult feel sad too, but you are still there for that child, no matter what.
-    Doing simple hands-on activities:  crafts, coloring, watering plants, making cookies.

Commitmentnow.com: What are some sentences and phrases that can provide comfort?

Val:

-    “I believe in you.”

-    “I hope you can take the time you need to grieve.”  “I hope you can allow some time for this.”

-    “I have been thinking about you.”

-    (Offering to connect in some way—reaching out.) “Would you like to go out for lunch next Tuesday?”

Commitmentnow.com: What are some examples of things we can do with art to comfort another person?

Val: Art is healing in many ways, as most of us know.  Grieving and distressed people can be touched by music that they especially find comforting. Just putting on someone’s favorite song or band can help that person feel special. Or going to a movie to enjoy together.  Or making something special for a loved one who is going through a terrible time, such as a scrapbook, a quilt, a CD of their favorite songs, or a framed photograph of something they find inspirational.

Commitmentnow.com: What can animals and nature teach us about comforting another?

Val: Animals remind us of the other-than-human world that is comforting too. Humans might disappoint us at times, but we have the companionship of a whole wide world from animals and nature. Sometimes, just listening to birdsong, or noticing the antics of our pet helps to pull us out of our human drama du jour.

Our beloved pets certainly teach us how to be comforting when we engage with them and join in with their joy and love.

To Purchase "The Art of Comforting" click here.

About the Author: Val Walker has a master's of science degree in Rehabilitation Counseling from Virginia Commonwealth University. Formerly a bereavement coordinator at a hospice in Maine, Walker teaches and speaks widely at hospitals, schools, community centers, and businesses on the art of comforting. She lives in Maine.