Are There Painful Events In Your Life That You Just Can't Seem To Get Over? Here's A Groundbreaking New Way to Heal From Difficult Life Experiences and Childhood Traumas
Dr. Linda Joy Myers, author of "The Power of Memoir: How to Write Your Healing Story" shares how writing her life story helped her heal from being abandoned by her mother, and she offers tips for those who want to write about painful memories.
In her book, "The Power of Memoir: How to Write Your Healing Story" author Dr. Linda Joy Myers shares her step-by-step program of using memoir writing as a therapeutic process to heal from the painful events in our lives. She wrote her own life story about being abandoned by her mother. "After I completed the final editing, I was able to see everything—all the drama, losses, missed connections, and emptiness as a story," she said. "This was our story, and now I’m in a new chapter of my life. It truly did help to put to rest the pain and confusion that I’d had for decades." In this interview, she shares tips and suggestions for those who want to use writing as a way to heal and move past traumatic life events.
Commitmentnow.com: Why is writing about our experiences, childhood memories, families and life stories such a healing and powerful experience?
Linda Joy Myers, Ph.D.: Writing scenes from the past brings us back to the places and times of our lives in a kind of creative hypnosis. Stories draw upon scenes to bring the past to life.
A scene takes place at a particular moment in time, and uses sensual details—smell, sound, texture, description, color, and taste, along with story elements such as characters, dialogue, and action to bring us deeply into the moment.
It’s interesting to consider what we do when we write a memoir: we become both the narrator and the “I” of the story—the main character. This dual point of view helps to create a witnessing experience of ourselves as we write from our current point of view about who we once were, an artful weaving of then and now, past and present.
From the now point of view, we can look back and understand who we were and the choices we made.
We see our parents and family members differently.
Remember, it’s family issues that tend to be the hardest to resolve. Everyone seems to get embroiled in certain roles that are hard to break out of. When we write about family, we can even choose to write through the eyes of other characters, family members, just to experience walking in their boots for a while.
Writing also is an act of self-witnessing. Alice Miller, a Swiss psychiatrist, says that being witnessed is a significant part of the healing process.
Writing allows us to witness all the stages of our lives, and when we read others’ memoirs, we witness and empathize with them, thus deepening our connection with humanity.
Commitmentnow.com: How has writing about your own life healed, transformed and impacted you? You wrote, "Coming from a family where three generations of mothers abandoned their daughters, it was natural for me to deeply desire that all beings become healed. I was convinced that if words could be said that had never been uttered before, words like 'I love you' or "I'm sorry," lives would be changed. I had seen words used to sever the ties of my family, but as I learned to read and discovered books, I saw another way that words could be used."
Dr. Myers: Writing a memoir is a tremendous project, and most of us at first start writing to gather the images and moments of our lives together—to appreciate them, to understand them, and to perhaps find a way to manage the complex feelings involved in some of these memories.
So I began with the need to understand my past with my mother and grandmother, and along the way I learned so much about them and myself.
I began writing first about those who saved me and loved me or mentored me. The book was a love song to those who helped me feel better about myself, as much as being the story of the three generations of my family and the patterns that seemed to tear us apart.
I worked on Don’t Call Me Mother for more than a decade as I tried to heal the loss and abandonment I’d experienced, often feeling defeated and overwhelmed by how hard it was to write when the issue I was trying to heal was still being lived out. My mother continued her abandonment of me and even her grandchildren. When she was dying I found out that none of her few friends in Chicago had any idea she had a daughter or grandchildren! So the situation of being denied and abandoned was a continuous wound.
My mother never acknowledged anything about her actions toward me though I tried to get her to see it, but she did say once, “I did the best I could” in such a wistful, soft way, that I believe that was her apology, truly the best she could manage. I envisioned my book as being able to help others with abandonment and loss issues, and I hope to show them that forgiveness is possible and frees us to move on with our lives.
After I completed the final editing, I was able to see everything—all the drama, losses, missed connections, and emptiness as a story. This was our story, and now I’m in a new chapter of my life. It truly did help to put to rest the pain and confusion that I’d had for decades. Then I went on and wrote a novel!
Commitmentnow.com: What are some reasons to write one's life story?
Dr. Myers: There are many reasons to write, from personal ones such as leaving a legacy to thinking of your stories as personal history woven into the larger forces of social history.
Knowing your reasons you want to write helps to focus the text on the proper voice and potential audience for the piece. We all know that we speak differently depending on who we are talking to, and the same kind of shaping happens with writing, especially a personal story like a memoir.
There might be the motivation to share the family legacy with the younger generation, so the tone then would reflect that goal.
Or more personal reasons might be at the forefront of writers’ minds, such as finding a new perspective through writing, to heal unresolved emotional issues with family members by testifying, giving voice to their own point of view, which might never have been acceptable to the family.
Many writers and creative people are considered “different” by other family members, and may have an outsider role in the family, so writing allows them to break through the silence.
Some writers want to honor the mentors and important people in their life, and others are still very angry, and may at first write to have the last word.
I recommend that people find some kind of emotional balance by the final draft before publishing. It makes the writer feel better and it offers a better experience for the reader when the write has come to terms with the emotional issues.
Commitmentnow.com: What if someone has so much pain inside of them and finds writing about these painful memories difficult? How can they break through their fear and emotional blocks and tell their story?
Dr. Myers: Dr. James Pennebaker, the premier researcher in the area of writing as healing, made it clear that if you don’t want to write painful stories, or aren't ready, then write something else. But when you are ready, it can help to lift the burdens of the past by telling the stories that made you who you are, writing the moments of change and emotional significance.
The brain researchers say that writing helps to integrate and offer a new perspective on emotional trauma, and literally changes the brain.
The path of emotional healing is like cleaning out an old wound: it hurts while we are cleaning it out but we feel better afterward.
To begin writing a memoir that has a lot of pain in it, first start with what I call the “lighter” stories, the ones where there is a spark of light, happiness, or joy. Perhaps compassion, hope, and plans for the future are part of these memories. Then make a list of the light stories, the ones that bring you a feeling of well being, happiness, contentment, and safety. They may include memories about love, spiritual experiences, and miracles. Write from this list first.
To protect yourself from being overwhelmed by pain, create distance from the story. Write about what happened in the third person: “she” or “he” instead of “I.” Write as if you are watching the event unfold in a movie. Write a scene about a difficult incident, but make it turn out the way you wanted it to, ending it positively. Tell what happened before and after a difficult incident. Write around it, but not about the event itself. These techniques are protective as you prepare your psyche for deeper work.
Commitmentnow.com: How do you use writing in your work as a therapist?
Dr. Myers: Most of my clients do very little writing, but when they do, they find it helpful and are often surprised at what shows up in their journal. They focus on significant scenes where they’re stuck, the turning point moments of trauma that even after years of work keep haunting them.
They sometimes write during the session, which helps them to focus, or they bring in their journal or dreams.
I ask them to read their entries to me, and we use them as a focus for discussion in the session. From that work might come another set of exercises or writing prompts that can help them to open up their story.
Sometimes a story needs to be written or told multiple times, even hundreds of times before there is a new insight or resolution.
When I can convince them to use scenes, they write with more personal focus and will discover that by being in the scene as the character they were in the past, the potential for healing is even greater. I talk about the healing power of scene writing in The Power of Memoir.
Commitmentnow.com: What are some ways to research the memoirs and stories we want to write?
Dr. Myers: There are so many ways to uncover the stories. I hesitate to use the word “research,” as if we can prove our memories are correct, which is not the task of a memoirist.
We write a memoir to construct our version of what we remember, know, feel, and share it artfully with others.
That said, there are many ways to invite the muse, memories and story details. The web allows us to use Google Maps and zoom in to the streets and houses that are the settings to our story. We can research weather and temperature ranges through the years, and conduct genealogy research to locate correct names and dates of relatives if we want to include them in the story.
Doing on-site research is very useful too, as physically being in a place that was important to us helps us to remember more, as if our bodies are alerted to release memories.
Talking about the family stories with relatives allows you to ask nosey questions. This works well gathered over the photo album, and makes your research just sound like normal curiosity. Lots of families clam up when they know you are digging for information.
Freewriting your memories from photos is a great way to enter into the past, through the doorway of memory and associations.
Writing prompts that make you go “ah-ha” are a good way to break through the walls of memory and find new stories. It can all be a lot of fun, and be prepared for revelations that you didn’t expect.
Commitmentnow.com: Writing about our lives can sometimes feel like an overwhelming and daunting task. How do we decide what to include and how to develop our stories?
Dr. Myers: To start creating stories from the many memories of your life, list the 10-20 most important things that happened to you, the significant moments that changed your life. Write each story or vignette one by one, focusing on your emotions and the meaning the story has for you. You will have a good start to a memoir or your memory book this way.
After you have several stories, you can quilt them together in whatever order that makes sense. As you write, you will learn more about yourself and where you need to focus your attention.
You will see themes develop, clusters of events and the emotional truth you want to explore will come to the fore. Freewrite these topics and be open to what comes. Writing is organic, and needs to be allowed to emerge as it will.
Commitmentnow.com: What does it mean to write about our life in a developmental way? What are some topics that can be explored that tend to be emotional triggers that bring up feelings and can bring out healing?
Dr. Myers: If you write your stories in chronological order, you may discover how one part of your life was inevitably connected to another.
You can explore the unfolding of your life through the eyes of yourself as that younger person. You may want to write in that child’s voice, stating only what that child knew at the time. This can be very healing and freeing for people, especially if they were silenced and ignored as children and even adults. Some people have learned to invalidate their experience so profoundly that they forget who they are.
Peeling away the layers by revealing the authentic voice of the child, who then becomes an adolescent, then a young adult etc. can help the adult writer have compassion for that former self, come to understand better the decisions that were made and even forgive themselves for the errors they made given the state of their life at the time.
Emotional triggers can be anything that represents powerful feelings, such as moments of love, loss, hope, joy, and despair.
The writer can look for either the chronological path, the turning point exercises or find powerful emotional triggers as ways to enter into the stories that they want to write.
Commitmentnow.com: What advice do you have for those who are afraid their family will get angry at them if they write about embarrassing family events or secrets?
Dr. Myers: My first advice is not to tell the family you are writing a memoir! Your first draft should be to sort out your feelings, to develop your own insights, and learn from the story of your life. After that, if you want to share this with the world or the family, then that is another step, after writing yet another draft.
Secrets are energy magnets. The force it takes to keep secrets hidden is energy that could be used for growth and creativity.
So often the shame and guilt associated with secrets keep feeding the darkness and the fear. Secrets maintain a great power over us, and we are diminished by them. We become co-conspirators to family dynamics that we don’t agree with and want to break away from. So we get caught in a conflict—to speak or not to speak? Do we remain closed and complicit, or open up and take the risk of losing friends and family, of being ousted from the family, or shamed once again into submission? These are choices that we need to make consciously and with care.
I tell my students to be open to writing two versions of the story: first, write for yourself, to clear out your emotional closet and sort the events that are jumbled up in your mind.
Research has shown that writing the unadorned truth is powerful and creates changes in the brain—in other words: it’s healing.
I recommend that memoirists be ethical about publishing their memoir. Let’s face it—the problematic people that you wrote about in your stories are still the same people with the same kinds of issues. Perhaps you have been transformed by writing your memoir, but most people still putter along as they always have done. Deep change is possible, when a person wants it and works on it in themselves; our words and stories could create positive change and insights in others. We can hope for this, but we need to remind ourselves that people are vulnerable, and be prepared for what might arise as a result of the writing.
When it is time, communicate with the family and friends about what you wrote. Get them to read it for informational purposes. Make sure you are clear whether you are asking for their permission to publish it, or if you are simply informing them of what is in your book.
Change names, places, and all identifying characteristics to help protect privacy. All memoirists do this, and it’s considered “fictionalizing,” it part of the current ethic.
Commitmentnow.com: Can you share with us how writing can heal emotional distress, trauma and physical ailments?
Dr. Myers: Writing stories, putting ourselves into the body and mind of who we were in the past, helps us to integrate events in a new way.
Brain research shows that negative memories are stored in different ways in the brain than normal memories. We could stay stuck in the trauma, even having flashbacks and feeling traumatized again as the memories replay in our minds.
Putting our experiences into a story—even a fictionalized story—helps us to reprocess our memories and frees us to move forward. And researchers found that the immune system is improved by writing for only 15 minutes four times a week.
As you write, it’s important to make sure you also capture the positive stories of your life, keeping a balance between dark stories and the lighter ones of happiness and joy. If you write only ten minutes a day, you can begin one of your vignettes, finding new meaning and appreciation for who you are and create new opportunities for a better future.
Be willing claim your own truths and write in your own voice. Your story is about you—told from your point of view. Your experiences belong to you and are unique to you. You have a right to claim them, even if others disagree.
Each person perceives the world through different eyes. It takes courage to write our truths, but the rewards are great.
Dr. James Pennebaker, one of the premier researchers in the field of writing and healing, says, “Story is a way of knowledge.” This is a very exciting idea—to consider that a story has a life of its own, that a story can teach us something as we write it.
Commitmentnow.com: What are your best ten tips for those who want to use writing as a tool to heal emotionally?
• Listen to the whispers of desire to write your story and capture the moments of your life that are important to you. From these beginnings, important stories will emerge.
• List the light stories, stories that bring you a feeling of well being, happiness, contentment, and safety. They may include memories about love, spiritual experiences, and miracles.
• Make a list of the dark topics or stories that you suspect are important, but you aren’t yet ready to write. List them by title or theme and see if you are ready to write one of them.
• Create a timeline that include both the dark and light stories and your 10-20 turning point stories.
• Write from the timeline stories until they are complete. Then fill in what you need to capture after that to make a whole arc of story.
• Weave back and forth between the dark and the lighter stories to create a balance and recover from the heaviness of writing the painful stories. The path of emotional healing is like cleaning out an old wound: it hurts while we are cleaning it out but we feel better afterward.
• Don’t listen to your inner critic or negative family comments about writing your memoir. In fact, don’t tell them you're thinking of writing one, and they will not get anxious!
• Draw upon family photos to help you picture events, people, clothes, houses, and weather. Writing from photos helps remind you of those times, and puts you back in the scene.
• Time your writing about traumatic events—keep it to 15 minutes, then write a positive story.
• Be sure to write in scene—putting yourself back into the time and place of who you were in the past is the best way to immerse yourself in your past life, witness it, and discover new insights and perspectives.
Commitmentnow.com: What are some questions a person can ask themselves to help them get started on writing a memoir?
Dr. Myers: I think the best way to get started is to write about a favorite memory and just dive in, bringing forward the complete picture of a particular memory that has emotional weight for you. Call upon the “sensual details” of the memory—the way you felt in your body at that time, and the feelings you had.
Sensual details include description of colors, texture, the smells, sounds, and feeling of the moment.
By placing ourselves in the moment as if we were there, we will trigger even more memories.
One of my mentors told me that “the more you write, the more you will remember.” The same is true of being in a memoir workshop—the memories of others in the group will trigger your own.
List your ten most important and strong memories. More tips—write about your house and room as a child; list the traumatic events in your life; list the best memories of your life.
Write about spiritual moments of transformation and healing. Write about the most important people in your life and why.
Once you have written all of these stories, you will have quite a large collection to shape into a book or a longer narrative. You will see what you want to fill in and understand much more about the story of your life.
Commitmentnow.com: What mistakes do you often see people make when writing their memoirs? How can these mistakes be avoided?
Dr. Myers: Too many memoirists retain an early draft habit of writing strictly in narrative summary—without scenes, dialogue, or other story elements that bring the story to life.
In The Power of Memoir one of the longer chapters is The Narrative Arc—which shows writers how to overcome that style and move into learning how published memoirs are written—using fictional techniques, scenes, and details that make the reader feel they are living in the writer’s shoes.
Some memoir writers think they can dig out their old journals and copy the journal entries into a “memoir.” A memoir is a constructed story, not a collection of journal entries.
We write our journals in the moment, without thinking of an audience or any kind of structure, but stories are written with a goal in mind, and there is a point, a lesson or theme to a story.
The best way to learn to write well is to keep writing, learn about story techniques. Attend writing workshops to practice fictional techniques, learn to give good feedback to other writers, and go to those free author events at bookstores. Join a writing group. Go to a writing conference. Be open to feedback about your work, and be willing to dedicate yourself to learning about the art and craft of memoir writing.
It takes courage to write a memoir. Be brave, and start writing your stories today.
To Purchase "The Power of Memoir: How To Write Your Healing Story" click here.
About the Author: Linda Joy Myers, Ph.D., MFT, is the President and founder of the National Association of Memoir Writers, and author of The Power of Memoir—How to Write Your Healing Story released through Jossey Bass publishers. For the last thirty years she has been a practicing therapist in Berkeley, California. The author of an award winning memoir Don’t Call Me Mother: Breaking the Chain of Mother-Daughter Abandonment, Linda received her MFA from Mills College, and has won prizes for her work in fiction, non-fiction, and poetry. Her teaching experience includes John F. Kennedy University and Argosy University, where she taught Marriage and Family Therapy.
Linda has trained therapists in using autobiography techniques with their clients for therapeutic healing. Her first book Becoming Whole: Writing Your Healing Story was used as a text by coaches, therapists, and ministers.
Through her workshops, coaching, and speaking engagements presented nationally and internationally, Linda integrates the principles of healing and creativity and inspires people to find the courage to write their stories. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit www.namw.org. www.thepowerofmemoir.com
