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Can You Be Nice and Still Be A Success?
An interview with Russ C. Edelman, co-author of “Nice Guys Can Get the Corner Office: Eight Strategies for Winning in Business Without Being a Jerk” on how morals, compassion and sincerity can make you a winner.
Commitment: Why do nice guys and girls often get a bad rap in the workplace? Shouldn't being nice help a person get ahead?
Russ C. Edelman: “Nice” frequently gets a bad rap in the workplace as the majority of people fixate on the negative attributes associated with the term. These negative attributes or more aptly “Overly Nice” negative attributes, include being weak, unable to confront, passive, “wimpiness” and inappropriately selfless. Leo Durocher, famed baseball player, also brought substantial fame to Nice with the phrase “nice guys finish last”.
Regarding how being nice helps people to get ahead; it our belief that nice is an important attribute for achieving more success and generally, people want to work with other nice people; so long as they are effective.
Sam DiPiazza, CEO of PricewaterhouseCoopers reflected that “Business – whether we like it or not – includes competition. It is challenging, aggressive, and very demanding. And despite the perception of many, it can also be performed nicely.”
Commitment: What can a person do who prides themselves on being nice, but would like a shot at a promotion and would like to get the respect in the workplace they deserve?
Russ C. Edelman: We advocate that everyone remain true to being “nice” and to do so in an authentic capacity. Terry Stinson, former CEO of Bell Helicopter made an important distinction in this regard when he indicated that “People tend to mix up their priorities between service to the company versus service to the people.”
With regard to getting a promotion, one key variable in the equation is the demonstration of additional value and worthiness to assume more responsibility.
The other key variable for the Overly Nice Guy consists of some behavior changes. These include speaking up and confronting situations in an effective manner. Additionally, people must take bold steps to demonstrate creative and meaningful new ideas. It is also important the boundaries are clearly defined to ensure that the person does not get taken advantage of by being too generous with his/her time.
Commitment: Is being nice a form of weakness? What misconceptions about niceness often hold a person back at their job?
Russ C. Edelman: Most people don’t distinguish between “nice” and “overly nice”. We do as it is our belief that “nice” is a positive and important attribute that most organizations and people want and promote within an organization. Rarely if ever do you hear that people want to work with jerks.
On the other hand, Overly Nice” is the negative baggage that we consider a weakness and can unquestionably hold people back. People who are considered “Overly Nice” are typically those that are too focused on pleasing others to the detriment of their own contributions. Jon Luther, CEO of Dunkin Donuts shares “We talk about fair and firm around here. We're fair with people, but we're firm about what we want..”
Commitment: How would you define nice, and how can a nice person hold on to their values and still move ahead in the workplace without becoming a jerk?
Russ C. Edelman: The definition of Nice, or what we refer to as “Effectively Nice”, encompasses positive attributes associated with the term “Nice”. These include kindness, morality, fairness, common sense, compassion, empathy, ethics, selflessness, and sincerity.
It also includes other positive attributes that make a difference; high degrees of self-awareness, the ability to speak up in difficult situations, the ability to define boundaries that are good for others as well as the nice guy and the ability to win without feeling burdened by guilt. The key…is balance – stay true to the child’s; and in the workplace, their potential contributions to their organizations.
Commitment: How can a nice person deal with confrontation that can sometimes occur in the workplace?
Russ C. Edelman: Confrontations are unfortunately perceived as very negative and Overly Nice Guys avoid them like the plague. Confrontations, when introduced in a healthy capacity, can be very beneficial as they aim to resolve issues. To do so, Overly Nice Guys need to take a few important steps.
First, they must “recognize” that a problem exists and that it requires resolution.
Second, they must “humanize” the situation and in this regard, search for commonalities and concurrently recognize that respectable differences can coexist.
Third, Overly Nice Guys must have a willing and open mind for “collaborating” with others. George Naddaff, founder of Boston Market asks “How many people fail because they hate rejection?” His thinking is that “You have got to harden yourself. And the way you get hardened is getting over the word ‘no.’”
Commitment: What do you think are the five biggest mistakes often made by "nice guys" at work that can derail a potentially phenomenal career?
Russ C. Edelman: The five biggest mistakes have a common underpinning as does the resolution to address them. That underpinning is that honest and direct discussions must be held and an understood perspective must be established.
In terms of the big five, they consist of the following:
In terms of the big five, they consist of the following:
1. Boundaries are not established
2. Confrontation is avoided at all costs
3. Indecision cripples forward movement as “everyone” must get involved
4. They are unwilling to speak-up
5. They are unwilling to take bold steps to further their career
Herb Kelleher, founder of Southwest Airlines believes “An overly nice guy, is in effect, oppressing the person who works for them.”
Commitment: Why does being a nice guy impact a person's ability to make decisions and choices?
Russ C. Edelman: Overly Nice Behavior regularly overshadows decisions and choices as there is a propensity to obtain consensus from everyone before making a decision. The quicker that the Overly Nice Guy realizes that you cannot please all people all of the time, the quicker they’ll be able to achieve much more success by becoming an expedient decision makers.
Jeff positive attributes and assert yourself as necessary to make a difference. Jim Turley, CEO of Ernst & Young said it well: “It’s very much about having the courage, frankly, to have difficult conversations” and to do so without becoming a jerk.
Commitment: How can a nice person learn to speak up in the workplace? How does fear of being judged impact a nice person's ability to defend themselves and speak up when necessary?
Russ C. Edelman: We recommend that people utilize three techniques and there should never be a time when someone reverts to “jerk-like” behavior. The first step is to ensure that a nice guy “prepares” for a speak-up situation. Overly Nice Guys typically feel uncomfortable presenting difficult news and by preparing, they will feel more comfortable with the material and better prepared to defend their thinking. Next, the Overly Nice Guys must “calibrate” their styles to their audiences, both in terms of size and communication style.
Last, Overly Nice Guys must “engage” as too often, they go through the first two steps and feign away from the actual act of speaking up. Joe McGuire, former CEO of Tweeter Home Entertainment Centers comments that “If you are not being straightforward and honest, you're actually not serving the person. That is just as dishonest as telling them a lie.”
Commitment: How can a nice guy or girl set clear and effective boundaries in the workplace? What often prevents a nice person from setting the boundaries they need to protect themselves and their interests?
Russ C. Edelman: Overly Nice Guys can employ three techniques that will allow effective boundaries to be employed. First, Overly Nice Guys must proactively and at times, reactively, “sort” through any challenges. In this regard, they must look at the situation in a brutally honest fashion to decipher how he/she contributed to the issue and how the counterparty(s) contributed.
In the absence of candor, this technique will lose its value. Once sorted, Overly Nice Guys must learn how to “fortify” their boundaries. This often requires that they learn the word “No” and to pause before reacting to any requests. Silence can be a powerful tool when used in the right ways. Last, Overly Nice Guys must learn to “prioritize” requests which may impede upon their boundaries.
Too frequently, they put themselves last and this debilitative behavior leaves the Overly Nice in a bad state. We often refer to Overly Nice Guys as those who put the oxygen mask on their child on a plane before putting it on themselves. They neglect themselves and in doing so, they compromise their health as well as their
Miller founder of Monster.COM indicated “In the absence of having a candid discussion – which at times may be painful – you simply cannot obtain clarity on the expected outcome.”
Commitment: You write that because nice guys tend to be self-sacrificing, they often don't take credit for their ideas or work, and allow others to steal the credit for what they have done. How can a person balance their tendency to self-sacrifice for the good of others and still know how to get the credit and promote themselves when necessary?
Russ C. Edelman: Sacrifice for the good of others is an honorable and kind gesture so long as it is not abused. And unfortunately, Overly Nice Guys get abused as they rarely find an effective balance. With regard to the deferral of taking credit, we recommend that the focus should be on the best idea; even if this means that it comes from the Overly Nice Guy.
Otherwise, a long term disservice is being done and it may also manifest itself in the short term. Jack Bogle, founder of the Vanguard Group supports the importance of winning when he shared “everyone should participate in winning, regardless of the size of the win.”
Commitment: You also write that nice guys tend to have a hard time letting themselves win, or be successful, if it means someone else has to lose, or not get the award or promotion sought after. How can a nice gal learn to let herself win, even if it means someone else will lose or fail?
Russ C. Edelman: A fair competition, one that produces a winner based upon the merits of an approach or solution, is a vital dynamic in every organization. In the absence of fair competition, mediocrity can set in and it is cancerous. Overly Nice Guys must understand the importance of promoting the best ideas for the sake of the organization, even if they are their own.
Doug Walker, Chairman of REI Sports shares “Don’t let friendships get in the way of pursuing the best strategy for the company.” It is important that a supportive culture exists which allows people to lose and learn from those losses.
Commitment: What are your best ten tips for someone who is often considered "too nice" to be a leader in the workplace?
Russ C. Edelman:
1. Our research and the common thread across all executives is to “Have the courageous and honest discussions to let people know where they stand.”
2. Purchase a copy of “Nice Guys Can Get The Corner Office”
3. Develop Self-Awareness
4. Learn how to Speak-up
5. Learn how to Set Boundaries
6. Learn how to Confront difficult situations
7. Learn how to Choose
8. Learn how to Expect Results from yourself and others
9. Learn how to Be Bold
10. Learn how to Win!
Russ C. Edelman, Timothy R. Hiltabiddle and Charles C. Manz, are partners in the consulting firm Nice Guy Strategies LLC, based in Massachusetts. Edelman is an entrepreneur who has launched two successful technology-consulting companies. Hiltabiddle is a founder and chief creative officer in a marketing firm. Manz is a chaired professor of leadership at the University of Massachusetts.
About this Interview: Nice Guy Strategies and responses have been prepared by Russ Edelman, founder of Nice Guy Strategies and co-writer of “Nice Guys Can Get The Corner Office: Eight Strategies for Winning in Business Without Being A Jerk.”
In reviewing the responses, please note that these are taken from an individual’s perspective, something we refer to as “Nice Guy Strategies”. Complementary “Nice Company Strategies” for leading/managing Overly Nice Guys have not been reflected; however, they are included in the book and represent the last third of each chapter.
Based upon our surveys, nearly 2/3 of people believe they are too nice in the workplace. Forty six percent of our survey participants were women and in this regard they experience similar “Overly Nice” problems. However, women have additional challenges which are not elaborated upon in this book. Stay tuned!
In addition to the surveys, we have also had the opportunity to meet with 25 CEOs of global companies to discuss the notion of being Overly Nice in the workplace. These include organizations such as Southwest Airlines, Ernst & Young, Procter & Gamble, Dunkin Donuts and many others. A number of their thoughts are shared throughout the responses.
On one last note, the recommendations made in this response represent a very important note; one that is especially poignant in today’s economically challenging times. From our political and business leaders, we read and hear about the importance of “change”. For most Overly Nice Guys, it is easy to assume that these leaders will initiate and carry the day by changing that which requires repair. However, leaders embracing and driving change is only one half of the equation. The other half rests with everyone else. We, the Normal Nice Guys, MUST BE THE CHANGE AS WELL. To quote Helen Keller, “The world is moved along not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes but by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each worker”. Through the collective efforts of our leaders and all of us, we have the power to bring our global community back into alignment. The strategies developed in our book sets the stage for allowing all of us to start down that path.
To purchase Nice Guys Can Get the Corner Office, click here.
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