Do You Want To Be More Likable? Have More Friends And Positive Business Relationships? Michelle Tillis Lederman, Author of "The 11 Laws of Likability" Shares The Reasons Why Some People Are So Likable And Why Some Are Not
Michelle explains, "Creating a positive mood memory of your interaction is most easily done by utilizing the other laws of likability. Listen, be authentically curious, find similarities, bring a positive energy, and seek to give."
Michelle Tillis Lederman, author of "The 11 Laws of Likability: Relationship Networking . . . Because People Do Business with People They Like" discusses the driving forces behind likability."The truth is likability is a large part of how we define great service. Often it is the personalized touch in the transaction – being treated as an individual," she explains. "Feeling heard and understood. It is sometimes the smallest piece of a communication that creates that connection and it is that connection, that likability, that is the foundation for trust."
Commitmentnow.com: To start, why do you think some people are just likable and some aren't?
Michelle Tillis Lederman: I think there are things that are likable in everyone. Some people may seem more likable at first because they are more at ease with sharing and showing what is likable about themselves. In other words, they are open and real.
In order to tap into your likability, you must be willing to interact, engage, and simply be you.
I think interacting with others can be learned by starting from how you view yourself.
Often we must shift our own perceptions of self before we can change others’.
All of this must be done through the lens of authenticity and with the knowledge that some people will like you and others won’t.
After all, what one person finds likable and charming about you is what another person finds incredibly annoying or irritating. And that is just fine.
Commitmentnow.com: How important is being likable to being successful in business? Aren't a lot of very unlikable people successful in business despite their personalities?
Michelle: Likability is key since people do business with people they like! There are many drivers of likability and they are the same drivers we base business decisions on:
• Familiarity – we like and trust what we know
• Associations - otherwise known as references
• Personal experience - which taps into the law of mood memory
It is the overarching gut feeling of connection that is often the deciding factor between two otherwise comparable options.
Moreover, when people feel a comfort and connection when they are doing business it provides an ease to the working relationship.
Think about how many times you mentally said to yourself, “I could work with …”. So what was it that made you feel that way?
The truth is likability is a large part of how we define great service. Often it is the personalized touch in the transaction – being treated as an individual. Feeling heard and understood. It is sometimes the smallest piece of a communication that creates that connection and it is that connection, that likability, that is the foundation for trust.
And we all know in business and relationships – trust is everything.
Just as there are many drivers of likability, there are many drivers of success and of course people can be successful and not the most well liked. That success may come a bit harder, burn more bridges, feel more isolated and less satisfying, and have a lot more stress. You choose.
Commitmetnow.com: You write about the importance of being genuine and authentic when connecting with others. How can a person 'be real' and 'be authentic' in a way that shows their best self?
Michelle: If you aren’t being you – your connections aren’t real. What people complain about the most when it comes to networking is that people seem so fake.
The foundation of likability and the application of all the laws must be seen and applied through the lens of authenticity. The real you is the best you.
If you are not feeling your best self in a situation, you have options. Consider shifting your energy, changing how you approach the interaction, or simply leave so you do not create the wrong impression of yourself.
Commitmentnow.com: You wrote, "The beauty of the law of authenticity is in its simplicity: Don't try, just be." That may work for those who are naturally charming, but what advice do you have for those who are themselves and still seem to turn off people around them?
Michelle: A simple smile may be the easiest change you can make. When people are not being read they way they want it may be because they are not giving anyone any clues as to how they want to be perceived. A genuine smile eliminates the internal dialogue of your conversational partner who may be questioning how they are coming off.
Start observing what people do that gives you clear signals. At the same time, think about what you want to show about your personality. Then you can try out subtle shifts in your visual and vocal communication to enhance your connections. Remember trying something new will always feel awkward, that doesn’t mean it is inauthentic.
Commitmentnow.com: What if we have to do business with a person who we know doesn't like us and because of that, we tense up and just can't be ourselves--what then?
Michelle: Before advising down this path, I always ask people to test their assumptions. Maybe you are not reading someone right. Is there a chance you are wrong?
Perhaps they have been clear. Then you must consider what it is that you may have done to contribute to these feelings. Often, changing the way you act toward someone will garner a different reaction. To do this genuinely, you may have to also shift the way you view them. It takes consistency in your behavior for someone to trust it, so don’t give up if you don’t see a change right away.
Commitmentnow.com: Can you share with us five ways to be more likable that you feel every person should know and be aware of?
Michelle: I don’t think there are five specific things that everyone should do to be more likable. If everyone did these things, then it would not feel real from anyone. Everyone needs to consider the 11 drivers of likability and think about how each may apply to them, their specific relationships, and how they approach new people.
It is the interpretation of the concepts and how each individual incorporates the ideas into their lives that make them real and valuable.
I can tell you some of my favorite drivers of likability; authenticity, energy, curiosity, listening, and giving. I should put patience on the list – but that one is so hard for me!
Commitmentnow.com: In chapter four, you discuss the law of energy and how this can impact one's likability. What laws about energy should we understand and put into practice in order to connect more positively with those around us?
Michelle: Energy seems to be one of the harder concepts in the book. The best synonym I have come up with for energy is mood. It is the vibe you give off in a given situation. Energy encapsulates the feelings the other person is getting from you, perhaps before you even said a word.
You must be aware of your own energy because energy is contagious. Your energy during an interaction will be picked up on and influence the outcome. You feel your energy in your body, face, stance and even the way you breathe.
When you understand that energy is something you create – you can work on driving that energy rather than having it drive you.
Commitmentnow.com: "The Law of Similarity" states that people like people like themselves. So, how do impress a potential boss on a job interview? Or get the client to take us on for a project?
Michelle: You can think about the laws of similarity in conjunction with the laws of curiosity and listening. They play off each other to facilitate connection.
First, start by being curious. Ask questions you want to know the answers to. They can be about the picture on someone’s desk, or about the requirements of the job, or how a client likes to work with a vendor. Then you can share the information about yourself that relates to what you learned.
Show how you have common interests, working styles, or approaches and back it up with stories and a little self disclosure.
Commitmentnow.com: You wrote, "the way you experience a person or a situation - the feeling you get, whether negative or positive - lingers long after the actual moment of interaction has past....Creating positive mood memories of yourself for other people is an essential part of increasing your likability." Can you share with us some ways to create positive mood memories that make people want to come back for more?
Michelle: Creating a positive mood memory of your interaction is most easily done by utilizing the other laws of likability. Listen, be authentically curious, find similarities, bring a positive energy, and seek to give.
Remember, people will remember less what you said and more how you made them feel when you spoke. How you impact that feeling can be as subtle as choosing positively phrased words or as recognizable as direct and attentive eye contact and body language that shows true interest in the other person. Admire, appreciate, ask for advice – they are all ways to make someone feel good as long as you mean it.
Commitmentnow.com: 'The Law of Giving' and 'The Law of Patience' were both very inspiring chapters. Can you share with us how these laws have impacted the way you do business and conduct your life?
Michelle: Both laws have really transformed the way I think and interact with people. The idea of giving because you can without expectation of reciprocity is freeing. I don’t question whether or not to do something or why I should do it, I do it because I can and it helps someone else. It has become my second nature to think about how I can give and it actually energizes me when I figure it out.
Patience has been a harder learned law for me. I used to only pursue the relationships in which I felt the instant connection. Now I know that relationships need time and space, they need to be nurtured and cared for, and when you do those things – you will be surprised at the depth of relationships you will build.
About the Author:
Michelle Tillis Lederman, CPA, MBA, ACC, author of The 11 Laws of Likability (AMACOM), is the founder of Executive Essentials, a training company that provides communications, leadership, and team-building programs, as well as executive coaching services.
Michelle believes real relationships lead to real results and specializes in teaching people how to communicate to connect. She has delivered seminars internationally for fortune 500 companies, universities, high schools, and non profit organizations including; JPMorgan Chase, Morgan Stanley, Citibank, Deutsche Bank, Columbia Business School, Jazz at Lincoln Center, and The Museum of Modern Art. Michelle is an Adjunct Professor at NYU's Stern School of Business and serves on the faculty of the American Management Association. Michelle has appeared on Fox 5's Good Day NY, been published in Women For Hire, and quoted in the New York Times, The Star Ledger, Working Mother magazine, Real Simple magazine, US News & World Report, on MSNBC.com, and Monster.com among others.
Michelle spent ten years in finance beginning her career as a Certified Public Accountant in Arthur Andersen's audit practice, later joining Primedia as a mergers & acquisitions analyst. Her experience ranges from venture capital to hedge funds and includes positions as a financial strategist with Deloitte Consulting, a hedge fund investment adviser for HypoVereins Bank, and a director of communications at Investor Analytics, an alternative asset risk management firm.
