Best-selling Author Susan Piver's New Book, "The Wisdom of A Broken Heart" Speaks To Those Trying To Get Over A Failed Relationship
Her best advice: "The secret, guaranteed healing method is to, as much as possible, turn your attention away from how much you need to be loved and towards how much you need to give love."
Best-selling author Susan Piver experienced something millions of people experience in their lifetime:
"The person I loved started going out with someone else--something that happens every day. But even though the circumstances were pretty ordinary, I couldn't get over it. My life pretty much fell apart. The most difficult aspect was having any faith whatsoever that I would ever get over it," she writes.
In her new book, The Wisdom of A Broken Heart: An Uncommon Guide to Healing, Insight and Love she shares her experience of getting over a broken heart and finding light and joy amidst the pain. "Light and joy are always present," she explains. "There is no need to try to seek or create them. You see this whenever you are able to relax with things as they are: Life is good because it is full of sensation, perception, and tenderness. Emotions are signs of life. Love is always available. People are made of goodness, even when they suffer."
Commitmentnow.com: Can you share with us your own story of experiencing a very painful break-up?
Susan Piver: The details of my breakup weren't particularly awful. The person I loved started going out with someone else--something that happens every day. But even though the circumstances were pretty ordinary, I couldn't get over it. My life pretty much fell apart. The most difficult aspect was having any faith whatsoever that I would ever get over it.
Commitmentnow.com: What ultimately did you learn from this break-up?
Susan: After one particularly difficult day, I had a sort of an epiphany. I was sitting around completely torn up and overwhelmed by upsetting thoughts, like I'll never get over this, I wish hadn't said this or that, I be they're laughing at me right now, and on an on. Suddenly, I heard a voice that said, "But there is nothing happening right now." I looked around and it was true. Absolutely nothing was happening. I realized in that moment that it wasn't the circumstances of my life that were upsetting me, it was my thoughts--and that if I could learn to work with my thoughts, I could heal my heart. This turned out to be true.
I also learned that it was useless to try to distract myself from my difficult emotions and in order to move through them, I had to FEEL them--and on their timetable, not mine.
Commitmentnow.com: What are five ways to help deal with a break-up that comes as a complete surprise?
Susan: I don't have any big surprises, but the things that helped the most were Buddhist mindfulness meditation, loving kindness meditation, friends, and time.
The secret, guaranteed healing method is to, as much as possible, turn your attention away from how much you need to be loved and towards how much you need to give love. Then start giving love in little (or big) ways throughout the day. The more love you give to others, the more quickly your own heartache will pacify.
Commitmentnow.com: What words of advice and comfort do you have for those who feel completely worthless and rejected without their romantic partner?
Susan: You WILL get over it. You will not always feel this way. That is a promise.
Commitmentnow.com: What can a person do who longs for the touch of the one who broke their heart?
Susan: Basically all you can do is be sad and cry. Cry and cry. Let the sorrow touch you, but--and this is the most important advice ever: let go of the story you're telling yourself about why it hurts. Just let it hurt. Feel the feeling, but let go of the story. It's counter intuitive, but this is the key to everything.
Commitmentnow.com: How can a person cope with the loss of their partner, when everywhere they go they are assaulted by reminders of their happy times together? Is there a way to stop the pain of remembering all the good times?
Susan: No. There is no way to stop the pain. Trying to stop it is what prolongs it. Without seeking it out or collapsing in a self-indulgent way, be honest about the pain you feel.
When it strikes out of nowhere, instead of running, turn toward it and say, "Oh hello. It's you again. You want to talk with me again? OK, let's hang out together for a little while." Something like this--more a gesture of friendship toward your sorrow, rather than fear or aggression toward it.
Commitmentnow.com: Do you believe anyone really gets over a heartbreak? How can a person find the light and joy once again in their life, if they feel that without that beloved person, the light and joy is gone?
Susan: Nothing is ever black and white. Sure, you get can get over a heartbreak. For 5 minutes or 6 months or 30 years. Even when you're in the midst of it, if you pay attention, there are moments throughout the day when you are over it. Then it comes back. Then it goes away.
Light and joy are always present. There is no need to try to seek or create them. You see this whenever you are able to relax with things as they are: Life is good because it is full of sensation, perception, and tenderness. Emotions are signs of life. Love is always available. People are made of goodness, even when they suffer.
Commitmentnow.com: Why is being betrayed so difficult to accept and can even make us crazy with grief?
Susan: There is some value in contemplating the idea of never "healing." I don't mean to minimize betrayal in anyway. To me, it is the most difficult thing that can ever happen. I don't know why.
Nonetheless, when your heart is broken and you are struck down by betrayal, there are some other interesting things going on besides intense grief and rage. Your heart is completely open. You can feel everything. You know beyond doubt that the only thing that matters is love. You also know that everything is impermanent and can evaporate at any moment. In Buddhist thought, these things (absolute openness; love as the highest value; and acknowledgement of impermanence) are the pre-conditions for indestructible joy.
Thus, the idea is not to close your broken heart back up, but to leave it open and to stabilize it in the open state. There are many practices and insights that can help you do this.
Commitmentnow.com: What are the best ten pieces of advice you can give to those who feel they will never get over the person who just broke up with them?
Susan: Well, how about two?
1. Feel the feelings. Let go of the storyline behind the feelings.
2. Learn to practice meditation and cultivate the skill of returning attention over and over to the present moment, not the past or the future. There is a link to instruction here (on my site). It's called The Practice of Tranquility.
To purchase The Wisdom of A Broken Heart: An Uncommon Guide to Healing, Insight and Love click here.
About the Author: Susan Piver is the New York Times bestselling author of six books, including The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" and the award-winning How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life, chosen as best spiritual book of 2007 by Books for a Better Life.
Piver teaches internationally on love, creativity, meditation, and spirituality for actual humans with relationships, jobs, deep yearnings, depressions, triumphs, bad hair days, and a multitude of ridiculously petty grievances. She teaches from personal experience.
Piver has been a practicing Buddhist since 1995 and graduated from a Buddhist seminary in 2004.
Her new book is The Wisdom of a Broken Heart: An Uncommon Guide to Healing, Insight, and Love, published by Simon and Schuster in January 2010.
Piver has written for Body and Soul, SELF, Oprah magazine, Buddhadharma, and the Shambhala Sun and is regularly featured in the media, including appearances on Oprah, Today, The Tyra Banks show, CNN, and in USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, Time, Money, and others.
For more information, visit susanpiver.com.
