Is Your Man Telling You the Truth?

Dan Crum, trained CIA polygrah examiner and investigator and author of Is He Lying to You? explains how you can tell if the man in your life is deceiving you.

CommitmentNow.com:  Is He Lying To You? is a book to help women figure out if the men in their lives are deceiving them.  What lead to your writing this book?

Dan Crum:  As a trained CIA polygraph examiner and investigator, it’s second nature to me to tell when someone is lying. As I spoke with the women in my life – friends, colleagues, neighbors, in-laws, sister, etc. – I realized that not everybody has these skills but that women, in particular, need them in this day and age. Particularly with modern dating techniques where a lot of it is done online or on blind dates where couples quickly size each other up, I felt women needed these tools to help them avoid deception.

CommitmentNow.com:  You are a former CIA polygraph examiner and investigator.  What skills from those careers do you use to help women figure out if they are being lied to?

Dan:  When you are trained to be a CIA polygraph examiner and investigator, you are taught to actively look for deception. It’s not that you see it everywhere, but you do know when you’re seeing it – and how to pursue it. Most women get no such training, nor do they assume men will lie to them. I was able to tailor the specific tools taught to me by the CIA for women who are dating – or even married or in committed relationships – to actively look for deception when it is suspected.

CommitmentNow.com:  Why do you advise women, “Don’t Just Date, Investigate!”

Dan:  Dating is something fun and casual we do to meet other people, but if you’ve been hurt by liars in the past, deceived by men who told you they were single when they weren’t, it’s not really dating anymore; it’s setting yourself up to be deceived. So while I’m not suggesting women stop having fun and enjoying themselves on dates, I am suggesting that where there’s smoke, there’s fire. IF they suspect something, if there are red flags, if you think something just not right, it probably isn’t; that’s when I tell women, “Don’t Just Date, Investigate!”

CommitmentNow.com:  Are all lies the same?

Dan:  There are actually two types of lies outlined in my book: deletion and fallacy. When a man deletes, he just leaves out essential details. So let’s say you ask him if he has any bad habits and he says something cheesy like, “Is seeing you too often a bad habit?” Well, really, he smokes but… hey, you didn’t ask so he believes he’s not really lying, he’s just deleting. When a man tells a fallacy, he is going out of his way to deceive you. So if you ask him, point blank, “Do you smoke?” and he says no, well, he’s not deleting the fact that he’s smoking; he’s lying.

CommitmentNow.com:  Why do men lie to women?

Dan:  Men lie to women for lots of different reasons. Sometimes guys lie to make their lives easier. I mean, why should he say he’s going golfing with the guys and start an argument when he can just say he’s got to work on Saturday and end the discussion there? Other times he’s lying to impress you, telling you he drives a Porsche when really he’s got an old pickup truck. These are fairly “harmless” lies, but then there are more “significant” ones, like telling you he’s single when he’s married, or that he’s not dating anyone else when he’s got three more dates lined up this week!

CommitmentNow.com:  You state that most women are predisposed to believe what men say and to look for truthful behavior.  Why is that a bad thing?

Dan:  In a word, sincerity is easy to fake. The deceptive male knows what you want to hear, and he tells you that. Since you’re not a liar, you have no reason to NOT believe what he tells you, so now he has the advantage. When you stop looking for truthful behavior, you take that advantage back from him because now you’re actively looking for deception and it’s not so easy for him to get one over on you.

CommitmentNow.com:  What are dating blinders and why should a woman take hers off?

Dan:  Dating blinders are the preconceived notions we have about people before they even open their mouths. Guys who dress like bikers are “bad boys” while those who dress like accountants are “good guys.” Well, if I’m a bad guy who wants to lie to you and I know you trust everyone in an argyle sweater and khaki slacks, all I have to do to put you off your guard is dress accordingly. You have to get to know the guy for who he is, not just who you think he is. It works both ways; if you’re avoiding a certain type of guy just because of your “dating blinders,” then you could be missing out on Mr. Right!

CommitmentNow.com:  What does it mean to “Get REELL”?

Dan:  The “Get REELL” method stands for Reset your Eyes and Ears and Look and Listen from a new perspective. When you Get REELL you enter a place and assume a “mindset” where you’re not judging, only observing; it’s called a mindset because you’re working actively to disengage from your bias and see what’s beyond your preconceived notion about this man for whatever reason.

CommitmentNow.com:  What are some indications that a man is lying?

Dan:  They’re not always what you think. You can’t tell a man is lying just because he’s fidgeting or sweating profusely; some guys just fidget and sweat! One of the leading indicators that a man is lying is that he’s suddenly doing something he doesn’t normally do. In Is He Lying to You? I list more than 101 signs he’s lying to you, from suddenly finding religion (Oh my God, how could you ask me that?) to not answering the question (Hey, look at that waiter over there, he looks like that guy from Law & Order) to blaming you with what I call a Guilt Twist (How dare you accuse me of such a thing?) The bottom line is, you have to know how a man acts when he’s not lying to determine if he’s acting differently when he’s lying.

Visit Dan at www.dancrum.com.

To purchase Is He Lying to You?, click here.