Are You Ready For A Great New Romance?

Feeling like every guy you meet is a jerk? Not so, says sex expert Amber Madison, author of "Are All Guys Assholes?" who interviewed 1,000 guys in 10 cities and discovered that men are not the commitment-phobic sex fiends they are often portrayed to be.

Why do guys stop calling after a few dates? How can you tell if a guy actually likes you? How often should you text a guy? Why do men seem to runaway from needy women? Sex and dating expert Amber Madison, author of "Are All Guys Assholes?: More than 1,000 Guys in 10 Cities Reveal Why They're Not, Why They Sometimes Act Like They Are, and How Understanding Their Real Feelings Will Solve You Guy Drama Once and For All" interviewed 1,000 men in 10 cities to better understand how men feel about love, sex and relationships. In this interview, she reveals what her research taught her about finding a great guy--and why a guy might ask for your phone number but never call.

Commitmentnow.com: How did you get the idea to travel to 10 cities interviewing 1,000 guys about their feelings on relationships? Tell us about how you set out to be an 'assologist'

Amber Madison: I wanted to talk to a diverse group of men, and see what they actually thought about love, sex, commitment, dating, etc. So I traveled to 10 US Cities: New York, Boston, Seattle, San Fransisco, LA, Chicago, Denver, Atlanta, Houston and Washington D.C.

I wanted to know if guys were really as bad as we thought. If they were genuinely commitment-dodging sex fiends...or if there was actually a bigger picture.

Using a written survey and also simply interviewing guys I asked about men's romantic priorities, what they thought when they slept with a girl right away, why they'll sometimes act sketchy, what they're looking for in a girlfriend, what makes them question their relationships and and whether or not they want to get married some day.

Commitmentnow.com: What did your research reveal? Are all guys as big a jerks as we think they are?

Amber: Guys are so much better than we think! 99% would want to be in a relationship if the right girl came along, and only 8% were primarily interested in women as people to have sex with.

On the whole, guys are motivated by their emotions, not just their sex drives. I also found that many guys feel pressure to put on this jerky act. They don't feel comfortable talking about their emotions, so often initially talk about relationships like all they care about is sex.

So that's where it can get a bit tricky. Guys might act like jerks on the outside, but what's going on on the inside is actually much deeper.

Commitmentnow.com: You wrote, "So to put an end to this distrust - not just for me, but for women everywhere - I set out on a journey around the country to ask more than 1000 men what they really think about sex, love and dating.' So...do you trust men more or less after doing this research?

Amber: I absolutely trust men more now. Sort of. Men as a group, yes, I have much more faith. But on a personal level, it's really difficult to get all those old stereotypes out of my head.

It really is amazing how guys are so different than we assume, and also how many places just make these blanket assumptions that men are only after sex and are not driven my emotional intimacy.

Articles on CNN, in the New York Times, even entire books are based on this assumption but the assumption itself is a stereotype.

When you actually speak with men about their motivations in relationships they aren't that different from women's.

Commitmentnow.com: You wrote that what you discovered is that "that pretty much everything you've been told about men your entire life is a lie." So tell us--what about men are women being told is a lie and what did you discover that few women know? Are men assholes or big giant babies?

Amber: This whole "men are from mars" bit is the lie that's prevalent everywhere...in our culture, in the media, in literature, and even in science! But it's so untrue. Men and women are VERY similar when it comes to their relationship needs. Guys aren't assholes! Guys are just like girls. (Though I wouldn't call either of us "babies" for having emotional needs.)

Commitmentnow.com: Did you find out why a guy will ask for a girl's phone number and then never call?

Amber: Many times guys will be really excited in the moment, and then when it comes to the reality of having to plan a date, make a call, or put forth a good amount of effort for a girl they hardly know...they just drop the ball.

If you meet a guy that you'd be heartbroken to never speak with again, get his number!

Commitmentnow.com: What advice do you have for women who keep getting dumped and have no idea why? Is there some pattern to the behaviors and qualities that seem to make men want to run the other way?

Amber: The answer to this question varies a lot depending on the guy. But it's safe to say that guys are turned off my girls who seem to have a bad attitude, who don't seem intelligent, who seem rude, materialistic, or don't seem to have a sense of humor.

If you've ever gotten the advice to "dumb it down" for a guy, throw that out the window. Guys want a girl who's smart. (But one who is also sweet and funny).

Commitmentnow.com: Why do men hate needy girls so much? What should a woman avoid doing so as not to be labelled 'needy' by a guy she wants to keep around?

Amber: I actually didn't hear too much about guys complaining about girls being needy. I think this might be more of a fear we have than a reality.

On the whole though, guys want to feel like the girls they date value them, have their own lives, and recognize that a relationship takes time to develop.

You shouldn't treat a guy that you've been out with a few times like a guy you've been dating for 6 months. Intimacy develops over time and so does the dependence you have on each other.

Commitmentnow.com: Is sex all guys care about? Will they lie and do anything for sex?

Amber: Sex is certainly not all guys care about. That being said, a good number of guys will act more interested than they are in order to have sex. I think this is mostly true in bar situations. Be wary of a guy you've met drunk at a bar. But I wouldn't worry that a guy who has taken you out a few times, and who is showing genuine interest is actually just trying to have sex.

Realistically, in this day and age, it's not THAT hard for a guy to get laid. If all he really wanted was sex he wouldn't be wasting time and energy acting like he wanted to date you.

Commitmentnow.com: Do you think all men are destined to cheat? Or can they love as much as women do?

Amber: Guys are definitely not destined to cheat! And when they do, it's almost always the product of a bad relationship, not just because some hot girl came on to them. And of course guys can love as much as women do.

In my experience, it's actually men who have a much harder time getting over a failed relationship.

Commitmentnow.com: Should a girl text her guy inbetween dates? How much is too much?

Amber: If you want to talk to a guy you're dating, definitely reach out! I wouldn't text a guy repeatedly before he has texted you back, or always be the one initiating...but certainly don't hesitate to be the first one to contact a guy after a date.

Commitmentnow.com: What makes a guy feel a girl is 'the one'?

Amber: Guys want to feel loved and accepted and they want to be with a girl they trust and adore. For many guys, getting married is something they want to do only after they have certain personal goals in place (usually related to their jobs and finances).

Many guys said they knew a girl was "the one" when the work they had to do in relationships felt really natural. It was naturally their priority rather than a struggle to be one.

Commitmentnow.com: In this book, you write about going through your own breakup during this project. How did interviewing all these men impact your own relationships and feelings toward men?

Amber: The side effect of spending so much time thinking about relationships is that you ultimately spend a lot of time analyzing your own. In the process I think I lost some fear about being single, and that forced me to really take a hard and honest look at my current relationship and whether or not I felt it could go the distance.

Commitmentnow.com: What are some signs that a guy is a true icehole? How can a girl know when she dating a true icehole, and not just an imitation?

Amber: It's not to uncommon to be dating a guy who initially does a little bit of game playing. But the over all trend of his actions should be that he's actively making an effort to see you...not actively blowing you off.

Any guy who's not giving you the kind of commitment you want or who isn't making you feel good is not a guy who you should be dating.

Commitmentnow.com: You end your book on a beautifully positive note. What made you decide to end the book talking about your Dad? What conclusions about men did you come to after talking to so many men that led to you thinking about your father?

Amber: In a romantic context, we're so quick to assume the worst about guys and think all of these horrible things about them. But many of us know men in other contexts who we think are wonderful. I think it's important to remember some of the positive male role models we've had, not just the crappy ones.

And all in all, I think we should raise our faith in men, expect more from them, and know that on the whole guys are much better than we often assume.

To buy Are All Guys Assholes? click here.

About the Author: Amber Madison graduated from Tufts University in 2005 where she wrote a popular sex column and studied human sexuality through a double major in Community Health and American Studies.

Shortly after graduating she published, "Hooking Up: A Girl's All-Out Guide to Sex and Sexuality," a book for high school and college aged young women about sexual health, sexuality, and relationships. Since then, she's traveled around the country speaking with teens and adults about sex and relationships.

She's spoken everywhere from Harvard University to the University of California at Irvine to The Fieldston School. In 2008 she won the sexual health communication award from Choice USA. Adams Media recently published her second book: "Talking Sex With Your Kids: Keeping Them Safe, and You Sane--By Knowing What They're Really Thinking."

Amber is frequently quoted in national publications such as: Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, Newsweek, US News and World Report, and USA Today, and has appeared on The Today Show, MTV News, NPR, and dozens of local TV and radio broadcasts. She has written about sex for Glamour Magazine, and is the sex expert for BettyConfidential.com.

Her sex education efforts have been written about by Cosmopolitan, US News and World Report, the Boston Globe, USA Today and more. She lives in Manhattan. Visit her online at: www.AmberMadisonOnline.com