If it seems you are always getting hurt in relationships, maybe it is time to change your deepest thoughts on whether or not you are worthy of love. Debra Berndt, CHT, author of Let Love In: Open Your Heart & Mind To Attract Your Ideal Partner explains that your internal beliefs about your lovability need to be changed so they reflect a healthy sense of being worthy of love. She wrote, "Once you get into the habit of being adored, you will feel like the old you has gone away and the real loveable you is emerging. Remember that you can’t wait for someone to make you feel lovable. You have to feel it yourself first."
Deb Berndt's Ten Truths About Finding Love That She Hopes Women Reading Her Book Will Walk Away With:
1. You are not broken.
2. Being in a relationship doesn’t make you better than anyone else and being single doesn’t make you less than anyone who is a couple.
3. You have the power to change your dating destiny.
4. You must be willing to face the parts of you that you have been avoiding to have complete success in love.
5. When you put a man on a pedestal, you will always feel powerless. Know that you are the prize!
6. You can settle for the lowest hanging fruit, or you can choose to make the changes to attract the greatest love of your life.
7. Your actions talk to your subconscious and demonstrate how you see your worth.
8. You cannot look for a man to save you. Find a higher power or spiritual connection to give you support.
9. The amount of love you feel for yourself will mirror the romantic love you attract. You need to feel it inside first before you can see it out there.
10. You won’t see your true love coming so you need to have faith that he is out there looking for you.
On Why Some Women Have A Hard Time Finding True Love:
Deb Berndt, CHT: I believe true love is rare. Many people settle in relationships by default based on the dysfunctional patterns of relating they learned during childhood.
On the subconscious level, most people do not believe they are lovable and attract relationships that mirror their limiting self-belief. They can only accept someone in their life as much as they accept themselves. This is something they cannot rationalize, but need to shift deep on the subconscious level to see any change in their love life.
Many women wait for someone to save them or approve of them in order to feel lovable. This is a powerless way to be, dependent on someone else for a stamp of approval. The only way to attract true love is to give it to yourself first.
On The Changes Within Her That Allowed Her To Finally Find True Love.
Deb wrote, "Using the tools in this book, I reinvented myself from the inside out, turning a frail, insecure, lonely girl into a dynamic, confident lovable woman."
Deb: I was single until I was 41 years old. I never had a relationship last more than a few months because I was always needy and felt insecure with a man. I did tons of self-help work but nothing changed because all those ideas just sat on the surface of my mind and I wasn’t addressing it on the subconscious level.
When I was trained in hypnotherapy, I learned that hypnosis is an incredible way to change my self-beliefs because the trance state goes beneath the surface to the subconscious. Trace allows new ideas into the deeper part of the mind, 1,000 times more powerful than affirmations.
After two months of listening to self-hypnosis audios and releasing blocks to love, I was feeling more naturally confident. It was like learning something new and it “clicks in” and becomes a part of you very similar to learning to ride a bike.
Once the foundation was set and I believed I was lovable, I had to also take actions that would lead me to meet my ideal partner.
When I acted in alignment with what I wanted and let go of the desperation to find a man, I met my life partner.
I don’t even recognize the woman I used to be any more. If I can do this, anyone can find love.
On Why Some Women Feel Unlovable and Why Others Can Get Almost Any Guy:
Deb: If you don’t feel lovable, you will allow men/women to mistreat you, feel the need to prove that you are worth it all the time, always expect the person to leave, repel the opposite sex after a few dates and feel like your worth is tied into another person liking you.
Some women easily attract men but don’t be fooled by them. Are they attracting true love or just surface romances? We are creatures of habit. If a person is used to being in a relationship, they will find it effortlessly because they identify themselves as a couple. For the single woman who is always alone, it is more difficult to attract a partner because they are used to being single. The real issue is not if they are in a relationship or not, but the quality of relationship they attract.
Some women go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship but that doesn’t mean they feel more lovable than someone who is alone.
On How A Woman Can Start To Feel Lovable--Even If She Has Felt Unlovable Her Entire Life:
Deb: She can always change the belief on the subconscious level. Believing she is unlovable is just a bad habit that can be broken. It takes time, but typically within 30-90 days of daily self-hypnosis can make a huge shift. Some of my customers see a difference within the first week of listening to my audios. This is the easiest, most effective way to build confidence that I ever used on myself and my clients.
On The Core Beliefs That Can Stop Us From Finding True Love:
Deb: There are so many core beliefs that I couldn’t possibly mention them all. Everyone has unique beliefs based on their childhood experience and early dating life during puberty. A person can find out what those beliefs are by asking themselves “When I think of having a healthy, lasting relationship I think…” and then write down everything that comes to their mind.
At first they may be very excited, “I’ll be so happy!” After a while, the true beliefs will surface like “it won’t last,” “it will never happen,” “I never had one so I wouldn’t know,” “relationship are painful,” etc.
We learn what is possible in romantic love by watching our parents and the adults around us when we are young. Then, during puberty, we add in our personal experiences with the opposite sex. Many times, the ugly duckling has turned into the swan but still thinks of herself as the ugly duckling as an adult.
She still feels unattractive. Some people were unplanned pregnancies and could have the belief, “I am a mistake” or adopted children could have the belief, “I am unwanted.”
Even an innocent act by a parent can be misinterpreted through the mind of a child and that person will carry a belief even after they logically know better. That is the trick here, the subconscious beliefs we hold are mostly illogical and that is why our logical mind has such a tough time discovering them and letting them go.
On Changing Our Core Beliefs About How Lovable We Are:
Deb: You can’t reason negative beliefs away; you have to change it on the subconscious level. By using the trance state, you suspend disbelief and allow new information to flow into the subconscious. Just like updating a file on your computer, you can change the quality by opening it up and putting a new thought in there.
In my book, I also talk about changing the way you act to be in alignment with your new beliefs. If you try to change the belief that you are lovable but still date jerks, you are cancelling out the new program. You must be willing to change your actions to mirror self-love in order to make the shift faster and long-lasting.
On The Core Beliefs Deb Wishes Every Woman Had About Herself That Would Enable Her To Experience True Love:
Deb: I am lovable. Every woman is lovable. Just believing that you deserve love not only changes your love life, but increases your success in your career, creates the desire to care for your body and gives you the courage to say goodbye to toxic relationships and only allow loving people (including friends and family) in your space.
On Women Who Seem To Always Be Getting Their Hearts Broken:
Deb: First, recognize the pattern and acknowledge that you are creating the pattern. Once you take responsibility for your love life, you have the ability to change it. It isn’t that she is unlovable, but the choices she made with the type of men she was attracted to that created the heartache.
By making changes in her mindset, she will be automatically drawn to men that match her new mindset and transform the heartache into lasting love.
Affirmations For Women Looking For Love:
Deb: I have hundreds of suggestions in my book to be used in a trance state. Just saying affirmations do not affect your subconscious. It takes 1,000 affirmations to equal one suggestion in hypnosis.
Some ideas are:
I am loveable
I am worthy
I only attract men who treat me with love and respect
Men love me
I am adored and appreciated
I am beautiful
I have great gifts to offer in a relationship
My ideal partner is searching for someone just like me.
Deb's Advice For Parents Who Want Their Daughters To Grow Up Feeling Lovable--Despite Negativity and Rejection They Encounter:
Deb: No matter how much a parent tries to bring a child up in a positive environment, the child will always pick up something because of the nature of our society. However, the best advice I would give is that they can teach their child to stop looking for approval from anyone else but themselves.
Also, if they show compassion for the child even when they make mistakes, the child will feel loved regardless of their actions and not be dependent upon getting that approval.
On How To Stop Recreating The Same Relationships Over and Over Again:
Deb: In my book, I discuss a detailed process how to do that. Basically, you must look at your parents, yourself and past relationship and uncover your current relationship blueprint.
This blueprint is subconscious and won’t change until you access the subconscious to alter it. Then, design your new blueprint and start to use hypnosis and commit to changing your dating habits to amend the relationship blueprint into what you want.
The important aspect of this is changing your ways. Stop sleeping around, putting up with poor behavior, keeping your personal boundaries and taking care of yourself. As you start being responsible for you, you will see that others will come in to support the idea that you are worthy and deserving of good things.
Once you get into the habit of being adored, you will feel like the old you has gone away and the real loveable you is emerging. Remember that you can’t wait for someone to make you feel lovable. You have to feel it yourself first.
To purchase Let Love In click here.
Debra Berndt, CHT, is the world's leading Love Hypnotist and an internationally recognized relationship expert who has been featured extensively on television and radio, including ABC News, WB2 News, Playboy Radio, and Life Coach TV, and has been interviewed as a relationship expert for Match.com, MSN, Lavalife, and ExpertVillage. Debra offers private sessions, seminars, a weekly radio show, and over a hundred self-hypnosis programs at AttractRealLove.com. She has a private practice in New York City, where she lives with the love of her life.