The Secret to Better Understanding Your Husband
An interview with author Christopher Blazina. Ph.D., author of “The Secret Lives of Men: What Men Want You To Know About Love, Sex and Relationships” who explains how to help your guy share his tender, vulnerable side, without losing his self-respect.
Commitment: As a licensed psychologist, why did you feel it was important to write a book on The Secret Lives of Men? Do you feel most men have many "secrets" they wish the women in their lives understood?
Christopher Blazina. Ph.D: When I was writing this book I got some interesting comments; my favorite was. “So you’re writing a book explaining the psychology of men, will that be some type of pop-up book?”
I think the biggest secret about men is that they are far more complicated than we often give them credit for, which in turn, cam limit our expectations for what they can potentially accomplish in the areas of work and love.
Commitment: What societal messages make it difficult for men to relate to the woman they love?
Dr. Blazina: I refer to these as the “Ten commandments of growing up male.” These are rules most males are aware of, and have directly affected them, or someone they know. By the way, these are commandments I encourage men to challenge and rethink, not ones to keep. I think two of the most powerful commandments are, “There is only one way to be a man.” and “Fear the feminine.”
The first speaks to the idea that there is a one-size-fits-all notion of how to be a man to which all men should adhere. Boys learn from early on that there is a single, right way to be a man. It is usually some variation of an old John Wayne, or more recently, Jason Bourne character: tough, stoic, and self-sufficient.
This version of manhood stresses the importance of being powerful and protecting your flanks at all costs. Taken together, all of these characteristics add up to stereotypical masculinity, the singular definition for how all men feel compelled to be.
Historians who study gender issues have noted that ideal masculinity has it fads and trends just like clothing.
Sometimes the ideal man is the tough warrior or cowboy, other times the peace-loving and refined statesman, and still other times, the hard-driving capitalist or the man who goes from rags to riches.
For instance, chivalrous knights during the Middle Ages curled their hair and wore tight tunics, pointy shoes, and other eye-catching adornments. Sounds a little like today’s metrosexual men, doesn’t it? This version of an overstylized man seems to come back into vogue every once in a while throughout the centuries.
Gender historians have also shown that at various points in time there have been multiple, competing notions of what an ideal man looks like. While there may be a singular most popular version of masculinity, there are still multiple definitions of how to be a man present in society.
In fact, scholars claim that there are at least six distinct forms of ideal masculinity operating right now in the United States. Even within these broad categories of masculinity, there are still more subfactions, multiplying the number of potential masculinities even further.
So the idea that there is only one way to be a man is really off the mark. Boys may be aware of the most popular version of masculinity and conclude, just like their parents, that there is only one way to be. They then may feel pressured by society or family to conform to that version, as if pushed through a giant cookie cutter.
They feel the demands to do the accepted thing whether it genuinely reflects who they are or not. The consequence of conforming is that men cut away authentic parts of themselves that they determine are not acceptable according to the popular version of manhood. In the long run, this has an impact on their ability to be successful at work and love.
Commitment: Why do so many men fear "being a girl" or acting in any way that resembles the feminine? Why is it important that women understand this?
Dr. Blazina: This has a lot to do with the “Fear the feminine” commandment. Part of the blueprint for man-making for more than a one hundred years includes encouraging boys to begin moving away from anything labeled as belonging to the “women’s world” at a very young age; some say as young as two years old.
One of the big problems with this approach is some things labeled as belonging exclusively to the world of women, really are a part of a shared psychological birthright and heritage. That is, some characteristics are not a woman-thing or a man-thing, but rather a human-thing; case in point would be aspects like having a broad range of emotions, the desire to find fulfillment in work and love, ability to connect with loved ones, and nurture and protect those placed in your charge.
According to the old blueprint, if we give any of these aspects the label of being “feminine” then they are off-limits to males because they are seen as a potentially corrupting force to masculinity. Subsequently, we ask males to leave parts of themselves behind as they grow up only to potentially discover later in adulthood that these important aspects are essential.
Commitment: How can a woman allow a man to show his tender and vulnerable side, yet allow him to maintain his self-respect in the process?
Dr. Blazina: This is where the challenge of rethinking “manly” stereotypes are presented to both men and women. Part of the process is a man being clear it is okay to claim his psychological birthright in healthy, authentic ways.
It also includes women confronting and seeing beyond the old myths regarding what they have been told regarding what it means to be a man. The key aspects has to do with safety, and the right balance of support and challenge within the relationship for a man to develop or reclaim that part(s) of him that is innately his.
Commitment: How can a mother who has a son who is perhaps short or not physically strong or adept at sports help her son deal with a culture of men that stresses the outward appearance of strength and power? Can a man who looks physically smaller or weaker still have a sense of power?
Dr. Blazina: I think this gets back to the idea that “There is only one way to be a man” as it applies to issues of power and competency. It may feel for some that this becomes a Darwinian survival of the fittest. Boys need to feel a sense of competency in their life and that can take many forms from athletic to intellectual to artistic prowess.
Having that sense of “I am good at this (fill in the blank)” gives them a foundation upon which to build self-esteem. Ultimately, that sense of being valued by a caregiver for who you are can be taken to a deep place inside. It becomes a reservoir of strength and power that never goes away.
Commitment: Why do so many men lose touch with their authentic selves, and is there a way to reach a man who seems emotionally blank and absent and completely out of touch with his emotions?
Dr. Blazina: It is important to know we are all hard-wired to form connections with the people we love. It is one of those aspects that transcends gender, being driven toward connection with others. We will sometimes go to great lengths to preserve that connection even taking on a false persona or loosing touch with the authentic sense of self.
For instance, from a little boy’s perspective if he feels something is off with his connection with mom or dad, he will do what he perceives will right it.
The problem is he views this situation from the incomplete perspective of a little boy that can lead to incomplete explanations like it is all his fault or responsibility, not knowing that other factors are involved. That is, his parents may have their own issues or stressors that affect their ability to connect. However, the end result is he looses his internal compass that points in the true-north direction guiding his authentic self.
Commitment: Can you explain what the "secret shoe box" is and how a woman can get a man to trust her enough to reveal what is inside his shoe box?
Dr. Blazina: The secret shoebox is the metaphoric place inside where a man keeps his inner most thoughts, feelings, and recollections. Sometimes it includes the good, bad, and sometimes the ugly. He would like to open the lid of the box and share the contents but male socialization teaches him otherwise. He fears he will misunderstood ( e.g., “men don’t feel that way!”) or the contents may be used against him. The book tries to explain what leads to the lid being on so tight and what can be done to make it safe to open up and share more of who he is.
Commitment: What is the difference between a "sensitive" man and a "leaky" man? Does this explain why sensitive men get a bad rap?
Dr. Blazina: A sensitive man has a sense of competency about his feelings; that is he can listen and be in-tune with his own internal world and those around him. These are important skills to have at work and in various love relationships.
A leaky man for various reasons has not achieved that sense of competency. He is often somewhat clumsy with the timing, intensity, and boundaries of emotions. He is not clear about knowing that every emotion felt does not have to be expressed or acted upon; neither are others responsible for taking care of him in a very one-sided way.
Commitment: What can a man do to tune into his sensitive side while fixing the leak inside him? Is there a way for a man to heal the leak within him?
Dr. Blazina: Sometimes this is a matter of practice. There is a learning curve with emotions like any other type of skill. Other times, the leaky part reflects hurt places inside that need tending; or when a man is in the middle of painful life crisis like a divorce. In these cases, the leaky part calls a man to pay attention issues that need resolution.
Commitment: Can you explain how a man is impacted when his father does not show him approval, or as you write, 'bless him as being good man'?
Dr. Blazina: Once I gave a talk at a retirement home to male residents whose average age was well into the mid-eighties. My hope was that the talk on masculinity would encourage them to fill out some questionnaires for a project I was working on. After the talk, a tall, elderly man approached and asked rather sheepishly if he could speak with me privately. This man looked like the prototypical Texan, right down to his cowboy boots and leather vest. He told me in nearly a whisper that he would like to fill out the questionnaire, but that there was a problem.
He went on to say that he grew up without a father and was afraid that he would ruin my research project if he filled out the survey.
I think this story reflects what can be the unresolved legacy of never receiving the psychological blessing of your father either through physical or emotional absence.
Commitment: What is a shadow parent? Can a man who has been hurt by his mother or father ever really heal from the shadow parent?
Dr. Blazina: “Shadow parents” can be the core cause for many of the troubles that affect man.
A shadow parent is an exaggerated or skewed notion of an actual caregiver that a child creates in his formative years. Because shadow parents are formed from a child’s perspective, without the benefit of maturity and experience, they are often distorted images of moms and dads.
This doesn’t mean that the child’s notion of his shadow parents is totally untruthful; only that his limited experience in the world does not give the depth of insight into his parents that he will gain as he becomes an adult. The shadow parent image is created from fragmented pictures of caregivers that represent disappointing experiences from the past. Some of these are the results of the “normal difficulties” we all face in growing up. Other images reflect particularly harsh circumstances that left substantial damage.
Even as adults, shadow parent images are carried around in our psyches and hearts. Sometimes they lie dormant, while other times they spring to life. When they make their presence known, these images elicit strong primal emotions that can be overwhelming.
Activating shadow parent images may also include attracting others who resemble shadow parents to revive the role of the original cast member in the well-worn drama.
These shadow parent stand-ins can be friends, romantic partners, bosses—any who can fill the part. People can also unwittingly bait others into acting like a shadow parent. For instance, if you have unresolved authority issues related to a parent, chances are those old tapes will begin playing again when similar themes arise, like when someone tries to “boss you around.”
The connection may not be made that, “Hey, this is exactly how I used to relate to my mom or dad”; however, the same emotional reaction will still surface, setting up old self-destructive patterns.
When trying to come to an in-depth understanding of a real parent’s limitations in terms of the caregiver-child relationship, it is often crucial to gain a fuller perspective, or the shadowy image of that parent remains the person’s sole preoccupation. These frozen images of the shadow parents need to be integrated into a fuller, more honest picture of the true parent if peace is to be found.
This tough work involves coming to know Mom and Dad as people in their own right, which includes knowing more of the underlying causes of disappointments and limitations. Only then can the painful past be properly sorted out in the light of compassion and understanding. If the proper work is not done, shadow parents linger as emotionally laden images created from difficult experiences while growing up.
Commitment: Can you explain what the personalization-pursuit cycle is, that comes as a result of not getting what was needed from a parent during childhood?
Dr. Blazina: When a man personalizes the disappointments he experienced with his caregivers and then fixates on either shadow parent, like “Mom was supposed to do this” or “Dad was supposed to do that,” this can send a male (boy or man) on a never-ending quest to wrestle from the parent, shadow parent, or shadow parent stand-in the emotional treasure that he felt he missed out on. This is called “personalization-pursuit cycle.”
Some men get hooked on chasing these images in whatever form they appear. It activates an old and very deep longing to capture what they never had. This cause some men to have fits of rage, sadness, and despair. They know at some level there is something very important at stake, but they are not sure how to put it into words.
Commitment: What advice do you have for mothers who want to raise sons who are emotionally healthy?
Dr. Blazina: First, that there is hope; this is especially true if you are a single-mom. The old blueprint that mom’s are a potentially corrupting force for boy’s sense of masculinity is outdated. He can learn some of the universal human aspects from you like strength and connection, that he can in turn incorporate into his own version of masculinity.
The other is it is important to be attuned to who he is, not who you want him to be. It is okay to have hopes and wishes for the way you want him to turn out, just don’t let those get in the way of him embracing his own signature way of being a person.
Commitment: Can a woman help the man she loves heal from painful childhood experiences of not getting the love or approval they needed from a parent?
Dr. Blazina: She can certainly help with this process by being a person who loves, values, supports, and challenges him in appropriate ways. I think the temptation though is sometimes to do the work for him. Ultimately making peace with his legacy is his work that he must be invest in.
Commitment: Chapter 11 is titled, "Why Every Man Needs A Guardian and How To Become One for the One You Love." What is a guardian's role? How can a woman be a guardian for the man she loves?
Dr. Blazina: A guardian is someone (male or female) who acts in a male’s best interest, promoting an authentic, healthy sense of self. In essence, they help a male discover his healthily signature version of being a man. Being a guardian for a boy versus a man differs on important dimensions like the balance of power in the relationship, the degree to which one person assumes responsibility for another, and even the degree to which certain emotional needs are supplied.
Being a guardian for men can be thought of more along the lines of being an ally for them, emphasizing a more adult type of relationship. Being a guardian means that you are in a male’s corner and have their back as they sort through the important issues we have been discussing.
Christopher Blazina, Ph.D. (Nashville, TN) is a licensed psychologist who has over twenty-five scholarly publications about the psychology of men and masculinity and is the author of the academic text The Cultural Myth of Masculinity. He holds a doctorate degree in Counseling Psychology from the University of North Texas. He has been a faculty member at the University of Houston and Tennessee State University, training graduate students to become counselors and psychologists.
Dr. Blazina’s first book is titled The Cultural Myth of Masculinity. It has received praise from noted experts in the field, including, among others, Ron Levant Ed.D., a former President of the American Psychological Association.
Dr. Blazina’s second book is entitled The Secret Lives of Men: What Men Want you to Know about Love, Sex, and Relationships. This is a commercial work aimed at bring the clinical complexities of men to a general audience. It is intended to be used as a self-help book or as an adjunct to therapy. The book is written for both men and women, explaining the socializing forces males sometimes face that impact their ability to function well in work and love.
Visit www.thesecretlivesofmen.com for additional information.
To purchase The Secret Lives of Men click here.
