27 Couples and A Book That Proves You Don't Have To Have A Perfect Childhood To Have A Fulfilling Marriage
Tired of hearing that no one has a good marriage anymore? In Linda and Charlie Bloom's new book, "Secrets of Great Marriages" they profile couples who have great marriages despite infidelity, financial ruin, sickness, and deep, painful emotional wounds.
Linda and Charlie Bloom, psychotherapists and authors of "Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love" wanted to write a book that challenged the belief that there "are no good available men/women out there anymore." The book features the stories of 27 couples who have been able to create great marriages despite intense challenges. "We chose these stories to inspire the readers to raise up their standards for their relationships and "'go for the gold'." In this interview, the Blooms also share the ten lessons they took away about great marriages after writing this book.
Commitment: Tell us how the idea for this book came about. How many couples did you interview? Why did you choose to share these beautiful stories about marriage?
Linda and Charlie Bloom: We wrote the book to challenge the beliefs that many people hold that there "are no good available men/women out there anymore," that no one has a great marriage anyway, or you need to have had a perfect childhood to have a fulfilling one.
We also wrote the book because we wanted to find out what the common threads were that ran through the relationships of happily married couples.
We interviewed over 50 couples, 27 of them made it into the book. We chose these stories to inspire the readers to raise up their standards for their relationships and "go for the gold."
Commitment: What lessons do you think these couples have for readers who are looking to improve their marriage?
Linda and Charlie: The lessons are too many to list here, but common threads include the importance of commitment in any long-term relationship. The willingness to take responsibility for working out differences, the importance of trust and respect in all relationships, the willingness to make our relationship a high priority, keeping care of self and care of others in balance, practicing enlightened self interest (a recognition that whatever one person does to support the other benefits both).
What we learned personally is how many different ways couples create a good marriage. It is a creative game that these couples tailored to fit their individual needs.
Relationships don't necessarily peak at a certain point in life; they can continue to deepen and grow throughout life.
Commitment: The Chapter with Pete and Deanna Smith is titled, "It's Never Too Late To Heal Old Wounds." Can you share with us what this couple taught you abut healing old wounds?
Linda and Charlie: Pete and Deanna's story demonstrates that the power of love can be more transformative than the best medical care or the best psychotherapy. It reminds the reader that when we combine a trust in our experience with the support of a loved one, that even the deepest and most painful wounds can be healed and we can become even stronger at the broken places.
Commitment: Sara Nelson and Danny Sheehan told their story of being financially devastated. How did things falling apart enable them to come together as a family? What role did teamwork, imagination and creativity play in their journey?
Linda and Charlie: In the Sara Nelson and Danny Sheehan story, the financial devastation brought them to their knees, and because the blow was intense, they were forced to re-evaluate their beliefs and ways of being in the world and make significant changes in their lives. They had to be willing to step into the unknown to leave behind a life that they had always been identified with. This required great courage, creativity, imagination and a willingness to risk.
Commitment: Rachel and Nehemia Cohen have 12 children and he is a Rabbi. What lessons can this couple offer for parents who feel they have little time for themselves or their relationship? How do they handle the pressure of having 12 children – and yet still feel energized?
Linda and Charlie: Rachel and Nehemia Cohen are able to take time for their relationship in the face of raising 12 children because they have a beautiful network of support composed of family and friends who live all over the world as well as locally.
They are energized by the work they do and they are living a life of contribution. Their story also illuminates the fact that it's not the number of children or the amount of responsibility that you have that determines what you give to your marriage, but rather it's the importance that you assign to it on your list of priorities.
Commitment: The honeymoon of Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski brought up a lot of old emotional baggage they both were carrying. What do you feel their honeymoon experience can teach us about dealing with the raw and old wounds we all carry from childhood?
Linda and Charlie: Even wounds that we think are gone can emerge unexpectedly years after the fact. The person who triggered our pain can also be the one to help heal it. Rather than something to be dreaded, we can view emotional episodes as opportunities to identify the places where we are in need of love, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion.
Commitment: Shirley and Drew Coleman were a couple that faced dealing with infidelity. Why do you think this couple was able to survive infidelity?
Linda and Charlie: Surviving infidelity requires willingness for both partners to take responsibility for contributing to the erosion of the conditions that contributed to the breakdown. Unless this happens, they will continue to be identified with the role of either victim or perpetrator and such identification will prevent the possibility of the deeper understanding that the healing of the relationship requires.
Commitment: How do Rich and Antra Borofsky bring a feeling of joy and playfulness into their marriage?
Linda and Charlie: Rich and Antra dance, they ice skate, they play, they don't take themselves too seriously, they laugh a lot, and they prioritize enjoyment and fun in life.
Commitment: Mariah and Ron Gladis are dealing with the fact that Mariah has ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. Why do you think they have so successfully coped with her illness?
Linda and Charlie: When we asked Mariah this question, she choked up and pointed to Ron saying," It's him." She told us that what she meant by that was that he loves her and deeply believes in her ability to heal and actually extend her life through the power of love. He sees a powerful potential within her that she did not recognize in herself, we call this phenomenon "believing eyes."
Commitment: The love story of Hope and Laurence Juber seemed like something out of a fairy-tale. What did you find special about this couple – and what lessons about love does their marriage hold for those who feel like love is something very, very difficult that involves a lot of pain?
Linda and Charlie: Hope and Laurence are rare birds, but they show that for some couples marriage does not have to be hard work. They have enjoyed ease, harmony, compatibility and good will throughout their marriage.
Commitment: After interviewing and writing about these couples, what are the ten lessons you both took away from them that you feel are among the "secrets" to a great marriage?
Linda and Charlie: Some Secrets of Great Marriages
• High priority – These couples all hold their relationship as a very high priority in their lives.
• Quality of attention – They spend a significant amount of time giving each other their undivided attention.
• Enlightened self-interest – Simply put, enlightened self-interest refers to the understanding and trust that what a person does to enhance another's quality of life enhances one's own quality of life to a similar degree.
• Balancing personal needs with relationship needs – One of the greatest challenges of marriage has to do with maintaining the ever-shifting balance between attending to one's personal needs without neglecting the needs of the relationship, and vice-versa.
• Resilience – These couples demonstrated through their stories, their exceptional ability to learn from and grow through life's challenges.
• How may I best love you? – This is an important guiding question in which their relationship is grounded.
• Skillful management of differences – It's not that they don't have arguments. They have differences like all couples do, but their differences don't deteriorate into destructive arguments.
• Higher purpose/Commitment to something bigger than the relationship – While there was a wide range of occupations represented among our couples, what they shared in common practically without exception was a love of their work.
• Overall openness to life – There is a willingness to embrace life fully, including the difficult aspects of life.
To purchase Secrets from Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love click here.
About the Authors: Linda and Charlie Bloom are authors, psychotherapists and seminar leaders. They have been facilitating relationship workshops for over thirty-five years and have worked with thousands of individuals and couples across the country and internationally.
The Blooms have spoken at conferences throughout the world and appeared on over 100 radio and TV shows. They have been married for thirty-six years and have two grown children and one grandchild.
Their book, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last, was
published in 2004 and has sold over 80,000 copies. Their organization, Bloomwork, can be viewed at www.bloomwork.com.
