Are you stuck in a Vanilla Marriage? Is your marriage lacking sexual excitement and emotional connection?

Richard Woods, author of Unlearn Vanilla Marriage: A Different Approach to a Failing Institution, offers help for those stuck in Vanilla Marriages, and explains why the self-help industry harms the way men and women relate.

CommitmentNow.com:  What is a Vanilla Marriage?

Richard Woods:  It's not what most people think. The most obvious example of a Vanilla Marriage is one that not just is sexually repressed and emotionally disconnected.. but one that passes judgment on people who employ a more libertine approach to their relationships. When I use the term "Vanillas", I am referring to those people who hold their own moral standards at a higher level than everyone else. Certainly there are people who are in traditional, monogamous relationships, that aren't judgmental towards other people's lifestyle choices. So when I use the term "Vanilla" I'm not referring to such folks. I'm talking about sex-o-phobic people who need to project their misery on others.

CommitmentNow.com:   Does every marriage become ‘vanilla” over time?

Rich:  No... but far too many do. Marriage fantasy is far different from marriage reality. Marriage has become a punch line on TV, and it's really sad when one considers how "romance" is sold to the public. We grow up watching Disney movies that end with "Happily Ever After" ...when the reality is that people wake up the day after "Happily Ever After" --the day after their weddings-- and face a lifetime with one set of shared genitalia. The truth is that it is not in most people's (men and women's) basic nature... I mean, we've all seen it a thousand times.... a couple in love gets married, has kids, acquires bills, and after not too much time they're gaining weight, finding ways to spend time apart and not having sex... at least not with each other. We know that the traditional marriage archetype fails more than 50% of the time yet we keep doing the same thing. We're like lemmings lining up to be willing participants in our own demise. It's nuts.

CommitmentNow.com:  What are some ways that couples express intimacy?

Rich:  Oh man... there are lots of ways.... and we have to remember that sex is just a part of intimacy. Most acts of intimacy occur in a couple's normal interactions... but as far as sexuality goes, it can be anything from fun, monogamous sex, swinging, exhibitionism, BDSM, to foot fetishists to dirty talk.. As long as it's done honestly, between consenting adults... As long as no one is being manipulated into doing something they'd normally be uncomfortable with... It's all good. My book explains how millions of people in this country successfully negotiate non-monogamy... but it's not a "how to" book. UVM was written as a way to take the dynamics of those successful relationships and apply them to whatever lifestyle best fits your sensual personality... whether it be traditional monogamy, or not. UVM is a tool, not a doctrine.

CommitmentNow.com:   Among other things you blame the self-help business and so-called experts for marital infidelity. How does the self-help industry impact the way men and women relate?

Rich:   Wow, yeah...this is the crux of my book, and I'm not sure where to begin (laughs). I'll start by saying that men are not really from Mars, nor are women from Venus. The current culture of combative marriage is in the self-help industries best financial interest. Of course this doesn't apply to everything or everyone in the genre. There are people whose intention it is to provide insights that might help people, and to deny that would be dishonest. Hell, technically UVM is a "self-help" book...Yeesch. But as an industry, self-help sucks.... I liken them to the Pharmaceutical industry, in that they make money from keeping people addicted to their product so you keep have to run back to them for more. For instance they'll tell you how important communication is, and then they'll admonish honest sexual expression if it doesn't coincide with their myopic business models.... so couples are either required to suppress their libidos (which never works), or they're encouraged to be dishonest about their physical and emotional needs for fear of receiving a self-help inspired reprisal from their spouse. Eventually this will manifest itself somehow --weight gain, the internet, watching too much sports, AshleyMadison.com ... whatever-- and then these feckless self-help experts provide solutions to the problems they helped create in the first place. It's Maddening...in fact, it's even predatory because most of these so-called "relationship experts" take advantage of the sexual and emotional vulnerabilities.

CommitmentNow.com:  You, yourself, had one vanilla marriage, and are now involved in an exciting, positive marriage! What made each marriage so different?

Rich:  This one's easy (laughs again) The difference between the two marriages is the premise from which they operate. My first marriage was based on the traditional archetype...married young, children and as such, we were constantly lying to one another. I don't want to speak negatively about my first marriage, so I'll leave it there. But I think everyone gets the picture... The truth is I hate lying...and I'm terrible at it. So when my ex and I split up I vowed to never lie to anyone I was in a relationship with again. That simple concept doesn't actually occur to a lot of people... and I know this is going to come across really douchey, but I've been with my brilliant, breathtaking wife for the best 14 years of my life ...and I have never lied to her once... other than where I'm hiding Xmas presents. We are lovers, consorts and best friends. But most important, we never make each other ashamed for how we feel. It's really liberating to have a life partner who doesn't use your emotions as a weapon against you. We are truly nauseating (laughs).

CommitmentNow.com:  What should a person do once she realizes hers is a vanilla marriage?

Rich:   First, she has to decide whether or not she wants it to change. Some people settle in a comfortable, albeit combative cohabitation and they wouldn't know where to put themselves if it were any different. Then she has to be honest with her spouse about what her sexual desires are. One of the most important aspects of this conversation is that she should allow her spouse the same courtesy. So it's really their call.

CommitmentNow.com:   How can a couple avoid having their marriage turn vanilla?

Rich:  I'll say this: "Start by being honest about how you feel, both emotionally, and about your sexual needs.... But you must also accord your other half the same privilege... .
allowing intimacy to be the battleground for the stupid Mars/Venus war. ...and if they do want to avoid Vanilla marriage, I have a really good book that I can recommend"(laughs).

Richard Woods is a Published Author, Public Speaker, and Syndicated Columnist. His recently released book is Unlearn Vanilla Marriage - A Different Approach to a Failing Institution.   To get more information you can visit his website www@unlearnnow.com, or watch his weekly Socio/Political Satire “Unlearn with Rich & Tony” @ http://www.unlearn.tv/ . Catch it Live every Tuesday @ 7pm EST.