Get the Love You Want and Deserve: Trina Dolenz, The Resident Therapist of VH1's Hit Show "Tool Academy" Has Advice On How To Turn Your Relationship Around!
In her new book, "Retool Your Relationship: Fix the One You're With" she explains how family dynamics play a huge role in the type of relationshiph a woman will have later in life.
Trina Dolenz, the resident therapist of VH1's hit show Tool Academy and author of Retool Your Relationship: Fix the One You're With has advice on how women can turn their relationships around and get the love they want and deserve!
On what a woman can do who feels her guy is not really 'into' her--meaning he never really makes her feel adored and cherished:
Trina Dolenz: One of the first questions I always ask of a couple
during their first session is: “What was it that first attracted you to
each other?” It is quite painful to watch, as some women have to wait
and wait, while her guy has to think up an answer to the question, and
in the end comes up with nothing!
The fact is that that if wasn’t “into” you at the beginning his
interest won’t pop up later. What you have at the beginning of the
relationship is what you have to work with, and it will probably
diminish as time goes on.
So if you have only been together a short time, my advice is to get out
of the relationship. The romantic relationship can’t be created out of
thin air if there wasn’t a spark to begin with.
But without understanding why you would pick the kind of man who
responds to you in a half-hearted way, you are likely to make the same
bad choices in boyfriends over and over again.
There are many more fish in the sea who will be ready to be ‘into you’
after you have worked out your past patterns, and changed your dance
steps!
Some women crave to re-experience the first stage of their relationship
when the sex was hot and you couldn’t bear to be apart from each other.
But sustaining that kind of relationship is not only unrealistic it
would also be doomed because it doesn’t allow for true, sustainable
intimacy or personal growth.
Discovering how to relate positively in a healthy relationship can be
fun, enjoyable and exciting, but the reality won’t resemble the media
fairytale that the dreamy in love stage can last forever if only we are
with the right guy.
On how to know if you are repeating the past in a relationship:
Trina: As a therapist, I know how difficult it is for a woman to
recognize her pattern of poor choices and self-destructive behavior in
a relationship.
After all, the underlying motivations are deeply embedded in her
personality and have been steering her feelings and decisions for a
lifetime.
A first step, however, is to sharpen your awareness level by observing yourself when in a state of heightened emotion.
For example, when you get furious at your partner for something he has
done – forgot his keys, short on cash, kept you waiting at the
restaurant -- stop and step outside of yourself for a moment to observe
what is causing you to get whipped up into such a rage. Yes, he has
acted absent-mindedly or selfishly or inconsiderately – but by stepping
outside yourself for a moment, you will recognize that your reaction
might be disproportionate to its cause. That’s a clue.
Something about what he’s done is pushing your buttons! You need to get
a bit of distance to see that, for example, your reaction to his being
late showing up at the restaurant is not only about his always being
chronically late, but is emotionally reminiscent of a similar type of
event or feeling in your past, of being ignored.
Making these types of connections is tricky business and usually can’t
be done without the help of a therapist or the use of the techniques I
describe in my book.
Noticing when you encounter a sudden emotional shift – whether it is
flying into a rage or being suddenly overwhelmed with sadness – is your
signal that family themes are probably playing themselves out in your
current relationship. With recognition come awareness, then action and
choice.
Dealing with family themes with arsenal of an adult is very different
from acting out as a child coping with what is being dealt you. Being
able to rationally understand why you are so upset about something and
being able to discuss it with your partner in an adult and
non-accusatory way makes all the difference.
He may still be an absent-minded, inconsiderate, selfish person, but at
least you are dealing with him and the situation at-hand, not the
emotional baggage of your past.
Trina's Best Advice Regarding Sex:
In a committed relationship ….MAKE SURE YOU ARE HAVING IT!
Sex should be at the top of you relationship “to do” list; instead it
usually gets shuffled to the bottom. Men need sex in order to be
intimate with their partner, and you can use that knowledge to your
advantage.
But the Catch 22 is that most women withhold giving sex because they
need to feel intimate with their partner first. But guys interpret
their partner’s overtures for more intimacy as a threat and feel
overwhelmed and pull away.
So the pursuer/distancer dance begins with sex getting eliminated from
the menu. If I could just wave a magic wand so that women give their
men a blow job three times a week…relationships everywhere would be a
lot better off!
If you are dating….MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT!
Sex is women’s currency of power, much in the way money is a man’s. She
should save it until she is sure she has a committed arrangement with
her guy. Having an “open all hours” policy does not send the right
messages to the right guy.
Women need to withhold sex at first when the relationship is tentative,
and put out when the relationship moves on a more committed footing;
but unfortunately it often happens the other way around.
On when it is time to end the relationship and say goodbye:
Trina: I believe it is possible for women to take control of
their lives and their men to achieve astonishing improvements in their
relationship. The only constant is patience and persistence. But there
are instances in which a relationship has deteriorated to such an
extent that any attempt to revive it is futile.
If the relationship becomes abusive, either verbally or physically,
then you must put an end to it. Domestic violence in any of its many
manifestations is illegal and will have a long-lasting harmful impact
on you psychologically. It is non-negotiable. Pack your bags and leave.
I also encounter in my practice many women having a relationship with
themselves. By that I mean that their guy may be physically present
living in the same apartment as she is, but from an emotional
point-of-view, he is absent, not “in” the relationship, at all.
He won’t be able to change because he’s just not “there.” In this
scenario, women need to find the confidence either with a therapist or
on her own, to choose to leave.
The Four Relationship Busters:
Otherwise, there are four relationship busters that spell doom for any relationship. Ask yourself these questions:
· Criticism: Does your man rebuke you with a steady and
relentless barrage of disapproval and censure? Does he let you know
that you are hopelessly inadequate and constantly falling short of his
expectations? Is he constantly scolding you and aiming verbal punches
below the belt where he knows it will do the most harm?
· Contempt: Do you notice him showing you his distain and
disapproval, even hatred? Is every attempt at giving pleasure or
satisfaction met with derision and scorn? Do you feel persecuted, even
afraid of him?
· Defensiveness: Does he fly off the handle at even the
slightest complaint or grievance directed towards him? Is he always
wearing his armor, never letting you get close? Does he refuse to
listen to you when you tell him you are unhappy or dissatisfied with
him or the relationship? Does he deny responsibility for any
deficiencies in the relationship or dissatisfaction you might be
feeling?
· Stonewalling: Every time you try to have any discussion
involving the relationship or your feelings, are you met with his
deliberate and obstinate refusal to talk about it? Do you encounter
his open hostility and aggressiveness aimed at sabotaging any effort to
talk about your difficulties as a couple? There are elements of
criticism, contempt, and defensiveness in stonewalling behavior, but it
is extreme and inflexible.
If you see any or all of these behaviors, you can be pretty certain the relationship is at an end.
If your guy is still displaying these behaviors, you may have reached
an impasse. If he refuses to even acknowledge that the relationship is
in trouble and you are in pain, then it may not make sense to consider
committing to the relationship.
On how understanding your family past puzzles can help in choosing the right guy:
Trina: Most women believe that choosing a guy is about chemistry
and type, but it is mostly an unconscious choice based on your past
experiences in a relationship. How many times have you noticed a friend
or family member select a mate who was just like their father or their
mother?
Or, was exactly opposite to their father or mother, as if the
individual went out of their way to pick someone unlike their parent in
every possible way? It’s easier to see how this dynamic plays itself
out in other people than in yourself.
So it is important to explore that buried, core attraction that
connects you with your guy and ask yourself “is this the best choice
for me? Am I really getting what I desire in a partner or simply
replaying an old scenario that will end with disappointment and tears?”
Past family patterns are often repeated in disguised ways in adult
relationships, to be rehashed over and over again, in the hopes for a
different and resolved outcome.
Once you understand what your particular family ‘stuff’ is all about --
such as “Men always leave” or ‘Women are the breadwinners and the men
are losers” or “sex is dirty,” -- your issues can be brought into the
sunlight of your everyday awareness.
Many such ‘aha’ moments occur in therapy, as well as by performing the
exercises in my book. The knowledge that comes from this awareness
will influence your ability to attract men who will not force you to
reenact your family pattern yet again. It is something that actually
just happens, as if the hard drive of your brain were altered.
On how artwork can be used to help untangle family puzzles:
Trina: I encourage the reader to follow the artwork exercise
exactly as I describe it in the book because actually going through the
‘doing’ of it will bring about extraordinary results.
We know about our families through verbal stories handed down from generation to generation, and by talking with our loved ones.
The artwork exercise gives a VISUAL picture of the family dynamics.
This powerful and impacting sculpture of relationships brings into your
sphere of awareness fresh insights, and strong emotions not really
experienced before. Patterns emerge, connections are made and emotions
freely flow.
The artwork sculpture reveals long buried secrets about your psyche
that has controlled much of your decision-making in relationships. Now
you have brought them out into the open and you have a clear picture of
them, you are ready to be unshackled from their influence.
On women who were never made to feel special by their father, and now experience the same treatment from their husband
:
Trina: I would like to say that you are loveable. It was not
your fault how you were treated as a child; but now you are an adult,
you have choice to help yourself experience a higher level of love,
intimacy, and security in a relationship.
You can break patterns and choose your destiny rather than be trapped in a replay loop of a dysfunctional relationship.
You have the opportunity to take charge of the situation, something you couldn’t do when you were a dependent young child.
You can communicate your needs to your partner in ways that will get him to respond and give you the attention you want.
You can act in ways that will encourage him to be a more responsive lover.
You can conduct yourself so that he’ll start pursuing you, rather than you chasing him constantly.
In short, don’t settle! Observe, Understand, and Act!
On the reason why some women have such a hard time finding love:
Trina: I think they would be better off not looking for love, but let love find them.
Unattached women have long check-lists of what they are looking for
before they allow any relationship with a man to get off the ground. It
would be better for them to chill out, have fun, spend loads more time
being selfish, creating her own fulfilling life, instead of expecting a
guy to complete them.
On Tool Academy I was always fascinated by how serious the young
couples were! In England we are more casual and carefree in our early
relationships, willing to learn from them, instead of being so intent
of forcing them to work out.
Remember, until a women understands herself and her true needs and
desires, until she feels secure and stable in herself, she will not be
able to ‘give’ what is required in a mature, sustainable, and
continuously enriching relationship.
On what being the therapist on Tool Academy taught her about relationships that she wish she knew when she was 16?
:
Trina: Being the therapist on Tool Academy really brought home to me how important the role of the family is in determining the type of relationship a woman will have later in life.
I was fortunate to have a secure family background and probably should have been more grateful when I was sixteen!
On the television series, the parents of the tools and their girlfriends joined the therapy sessions at the end of each season. It was painful to see how issues in the parental relationships were echoed in the relationships of their children.
I think I could have been more effective as a therapist had I seen the parents at the beginning of the sessions. All the clues to issues the couples were facing were right there staring me in the face.
One of the cornerstones of my therapy is teaching women to recognize how significant relationships with family members have shaped the dynamics of their current relationship.
It never fails to take my clients by complete surprise when they discover the extent their current decisions and choices have been influenced by their early family relationships.
The old adage is quite true: Those who aren’t aware of the past are condemned to repeat it.
The good news is that recognizing patterns in choosing partners and behaviors toward them, is the first step to breaking free and entering into a truly intimate and satisfying relationship.
On some of the most common relationship 'types' that end up in trouble:
Trina: If you are not in a struggle, you are not in a relationship.
Individuals in relationships are constantly struggling with their partners to strike the right balance between intimacy and independence, feeling smothered or trying to bring him closer.
One of the ways couples try to resolve this struggle is to have a threesome. By that I mean letting children, parents, or friends into your twosome as a way to divert attention away from the relationship’s problems.
Some couples use their job as a way to opt out of the relationship. Some have affairs! We were born to do threesomes! Your mom, your dad and you the baby were your first threesome.
People nowadays have great difficulty resolving issues of intimacy in a twosome, trying to figure out how to be close but not feel invaded. It’s a juggling act for a couple to keep connected to each other in a way that doesn’t suffocate or scare the other away.
Below are some brief descriptions of relationship types that involve this sort of balancing act. All relationships have aspects of each type, but trouble starts when a couple gets stuck in one category.
1. Cat and Dog: This couple is obvious, they fight like mad. This is the couple who never stop screaming at each other. It’s their way of feeling connected. They don’t really change too much except to continually break up when the pressure gets too much and get back together when they cool off, only to repeat this pattern over and over. You probably have friends like this, always fighting, always breaking up.
2. The Idol and Fan: In this type of relationship, the Fan is an admirer, someone who is happy to bask under the halo of the Idol. Eventually the Idol falls off his or her pedestal leaving his or her partner feeling disillusioned and disappointed. This is the type of scenario often played out in celebrity relationships.
3. The Master and Slave: Here one partner is really rather mean and nasty, often abusing or dominating the other. It’s all about control and being controlled.
4. The Babes in the Woods: This couple acts as if it is ‘us against the world.’ They see themselves as perfect and it’s everyone else around them who have the problem. You know the type, the couple that can’t keep their hands off each other, always very demonstrative in public! (But they often end up in the counseling room with me because of sexual problems.)
5. The Distancer/Pursuer: This is the most common relationship dynamic. Even the healthiest, balanced relationship exhibits this type to some degree. The easiest way to characterize the Distancer/Pursuer relationship is to visualize a couple in which the woman is constantly nagging at her partner, while he withdraws and becomes increasingly unresponsive. One member of the couple is always trying to get the other to be more appreciative, more romantic, more receptive, only driving the partner further and further away.
On what makes Trina so good at helping women find the satisfaction they once were missing from their relationships:
Trina: One quality that contributes to my success as a
couples therapist is to be able to quickly gain the trust of the women
I work with.
Trust is essential because it creates a secure environment for a woman
to safely explore all facets of her relationship and make the changes
she believes are necessary.
By helping a woman feel emotionally secure,
I help guide her to greater self-confidence, self-control and
self-esteem, so there are now two whole people in her relationship, not
two havles trying to become one.
Another aspect of my therapeutic approach is to target the
relationship, not the partner. For example, I know of no other style of
therapy that successfully improves the communication between both
partners once one partner improves her style of communication.
Think of a relationship as a dance. Once a woman understands the
routine she performs with her partner, she is then able to take the
lead, change the pattern and sequence of her and her partner’s steps
and invent an entirely new and much more satifying framework on which
to base the relationship.
To Purchase "Retool Your Relationship" click here.
About the Author: Trina Dolenz is the couples therapist on the hit VH1 series Tool Academy. Originally from England, she now lives in Los Angeles.
